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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DH huge row with DSD - what now?

15 replies

advicewelcomed · 03/12/2009 17:20

Am a regular but have namechanged so not searchable.

Dh has had a huge row with dsd who is nearly 17.

He confronted her about not going to college and quitting her saturday job, and she retaliated by telling him not to bother visiting her. He asked her if she really meant it, she said yes, so he called her bluff and didn't go to see her. She then had a huge row with her mum, swore and shouted and her, and decided she was leaving home ofr a few days.

The following week he visited as usual, she had left him a note demanding her pocket money. He knocked on her bedroom dr and explained that he said he wouldn't do this unless she apologised ot her mum and stopped swearing at her, and her brother (dss) and dh, amongst others. Dsd laughed, turned up her music, and turned her back.
Dh repeated this, then left her room.
At which point she lunged ta him, tried to push him over, then began thumping him.
He walked away and told her not to do it!
She ran out of the house and tried ot key his car, then started swearing and shouting at him.

Dh eventually left as dss was v v upset and his mum (dh's ex)felt it best he go.

To cut a long story short, dh has told dsd that she has ot apologise.
She refuses and says he has to apologise.
She ha s also said she won't have anyhting else to do with him unless he gives her £250 (which she "won" for her GCSE results). Dh says he won't, but that he will pay for her driving lessons in bulk.

What on earth happens now?

Dh is stubborn and says that this behavioour has gone on for too long. His mum and dad agree. His ex also agrees.
Dsd is adamant that she wants nothing more to do with him unless he gives her the money.

Help!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

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advicewelcomed · 03/12/2009 18:14

Anyone?

OP posts:

Buda · 03/12/2009 18:17

Well no advice really except to say she sounds very angry or very spoilt. It is good that DH and his Ex seem to be on the same page.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 03/12/2009 18:23

Would it be possible for her parents to sit down with her and talk through acceptable boundaries?

Demanding an apology isn't getting anywhere, so maybe a mature discussion is the way to go.

Sorry, not much in the way of suggestions. It sounds very difficult for everyone involved. Make sure exW and your DH stay united in whatever they decide.

Ewe · 03/12/2009 18:26

I imagine this has nothing to do with any of the actual things that are the issue, money etc. How long ago did her parents split up? Have you recently become pregnant/had a new baby? Sounds like she might be craving attention and in a typical teenage fashion going completely the wrong way about it!

advicewelcomed · 03/12/2009 18:28

Thank you for your replies.

It is tricky as her mum is th eone who has ot live with her and dh is aware that sometimes it is easier to just let dsd to as she likes to keep the peace.

Dh has offered to sit down and chat but not with ex there as some of it is to do with her, and could be awkward. dsd has said that she'd do that if he takes her out for lunch

Dh is so angry and disappointed by her attitude I am worried he'll refuse to speak ot her unless she apologises. She has sent him a rather rude email suggesting that he apologise and deposit the money in her bank account and that she is unwilling to do anything until then.

I don't want dh to regret this in 10 years time.

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YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 03/12/2009 18:32

Could your dh discuss the issue with his ex? Any "secrets" kept from her (about her parenting I mean) will be another wedge that dsd can use to divide and rule. It sounds like her mum and dad need to discuss the issue between themselves first.

BitOfFun · 03/12/2009 18:32

He won't be being much of a dad if he just caves in and coughs up though- how is that teaching her how to treat people in the real world?

The lunch might be a good idea tough- but make it somewhere neutral where he won't be too embarrassed if she kicks off. Spoilt little madam, IMO.

BitOfFun · 03/12/2009 18:32

though, not tough

advicewelcomed · 03/12/2009 18:41

boF, that's what dh says.

Crunch, when dsd kicked off, dh said it was like when he was married ot her mum and she'd get v wound up and fly at him and shout and scream. he htinks that some of dsd's attitude comes from her mum, and is not that keen on discussing that bit!!
dsd also accused dh of abandoning her (and dss) when he left them (dsd was 5) and that he should have followed them when they moved away. Dh is loathe to get into much of it as he says that at the time, his ex wasn't v discreet about bad mouthing him in fornt of dsd, and so much of what she says comes from that time.

Do you think I should contact dsd?

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BitOfFun · 03/12/2009 18:46

I'd give her her a wide berth for now- see if she mellows as she starts missing her money-tree.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 03/12/2009 18:47

IMO (and this is only my opinion) your dh must not cave in on the money. He must keep lines of communication open. He must not ever suggest to dsd that she is "behaving just like her mother" because he left her mother, and that might raise insecurities.

Beyond that I'm not sure what to suggest.

But I would keep out of it if I were you, this is between him and his daughter. Just be supportive.

advicewelcomed · 03/12/2009 18:51

Thank you all

I did actually think that dh would be seen to be unfair as he is the adult so am feeling better now!

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Blu · 03/12/2009 18:59

Was the £250 offered for GCSE results, and 'earned' and he has now withdrawn? If so, IMO, the GCSE money is a self-contained issue and shouldnot have the clock turned back on it.

It sounds as if he has got as entrenched as her, and that talking (maybe over lunch) may not be a bad idea, and may in any case end in an apology.

She isn't behaving well, but it isn't easy being a 16 yo girl. And she may well still fel angry at having nee 'abandoned' - her own growing older may be making her realise a new aspect or level of loss.

advicewelcomed · 03/12/2009 19:09

Yes, it was earned fr GCSE results, but it was always earmarked for driving lessons.

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YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 04/12/2009 10:37

That does change things a bit. If it was earned for GCSE results to be used for lessons, then I think the only fair thing for your dh to do is buy the lessons in advance for her and give her the voucher. If the money was promised to her and she kept her end of the deal (i.e. got the results) then he must keep his side of it.

Learning the lesson that if you work for a reward and earn it then you might still not get it, is not a good lesson to learn.

Go with your DH's earlier suggestion, buy the lessons now, meet her for lunch and give her the voucher/receipt and try to talk things through.

Good luck!

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