DS (12) being an utter Bar Steward

[Lemonylemon]

Blimey - where to start? The rudeness towards me is unbearable. He has anger issues. I can't REALLY come down on him like a ton of bricks as he has cut his wrists once before....

I've tried to get in touch with a school counsellor, who still hasn't phoned me back. I've put us down for a woodwork course which is on for a few Saturdays....

I have simply lost the will to deal with him anymore....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

[sponkle]

Hmmmmn...I can totally understand where you are coming from...I have a 13 yr ds and he is unbelievable at times...we had a terrible time of it last year and got referred to CAMH they were utterly brilliant! have you been to your GP? they can refer you but you may have to wait. My ds has an inclusion worker at school too which helps...can you chase this up at all? talk to his head of year or form tutor about your concerns.
I think that hormones are incredibly difficult for them to handle and they get all this anger and don't know how to channel it. My ds has started boxing..only the training, I don't want him to actually fight, and he loves it! It keeps him fit and helps get rid of some of that agression. He is still awful to me at times but I try to be calm now and repeatedly tell him I will not stand ofr being spoken to like that, and if it's really bad he gets things confiscated usually his phone hurts the most iyswim. He normally comes round eventually in a grunty teenager sort of way. I think my ds is a little afraid of growing up and all these feelings/emotions/anger etc phase him sometimes but he doesn't want to let on so as not to lose face. not that he would be he doesn't see it like that. Generally the worse he is behaving th emore he needs nme to be consistent and tell him I love him dearly (through gritted teeth) but that absolutely nobody speaks to me or treats me like that! I have also found that even the nicest meekiest boys are bar stewards when their voices break...does this help at all? sorry for rambling I just know how desperate I felt last year and want you to know you are so not on your own!

[Lemonylemon]

Thank you very much for your reply. It's nice to know I'm not alone! Yes, I've been in touch with the GP and were referred to CAHMS when he slashed his wrist.

I've tried to organise to speak to the school counsellor and am waiting for her to reply.

I've been on the parentsline website and to be honest, it's bloody depressing.

I think I'll try to sort out the boxing training, although with his anger, I'm afraid that he'll use it against me...

[sponkle]

Oh My Gosh, you poor thing! You must be so frazzled and worried. Do you know that Relate deal with family issues like this, it's not all about married couples, they help with teenagers and their families too, I never knew until my Mum told me last week.

wrt boxing, it works for my ds - might not be right for yours...anything physical that will get him some exercise and a bit more confidence would be good, running, swimming, skateboarding, footy, anything and get him out of your hair for a while to give you a breather too.

Good luck with it, and remember you are so not at all alone.

fwiw my son scarred his had badly last year digging at it with is nails to bits because he felt so angry he didn't know what to do...12 months later on we are in a different place totally...as long as he knows you love him unconditionally - you can love him but not his behaviour- you will both come out of this the other side again, and maybe closer for it too. I do hope so.

[mumblechum]

I agree with the physical exercise thing. DS does 15 hours per week plus PE in school and I really notice his behaviour changing when he doesn't do the training.

Wear the bugger out is my advice.

[mimsum]

I'd definitely try to get him involved with something time-consuming and physically active outside the family - ds (12) goes swimmming 6 days a week, plus running and PE/rugby at school and is STILL manically hyper - I shudder to think what he'd be like without all that exercise

However, it can be tricky to start something like sport at that kind of level at your ds' age unless he's already been doing it before, but maybe something like the army or sea cadets would be a way of channeling his agression and giving him structure/self-discipline

[Lemonylemon]

Thanks all. I think I'll definitely have to get him back into his swimming lessons again. He has asked to join army cadets, but I think he has to wait until he's 13.

And he's still being a pain....

[desertmum]

if he wants to join cadets get him in as soon as he is 13. It has been great for my 13 year old - he is now learning that life has rules, not just his mum and school! He is also learning that at times in life you may think someone is a complete nob but you still have to do what they tell you. It is a great organisation and teaches them some useful life lessons.

And remember that this will pass and one day your lovely boy will be back again.