Clubbing for the under 18's. is it safe, how do you let them go the first time..HELP!!

[psychomum5]

DD1 has thrown me and DH a little. There is a rave in the local night club, for the under 18's, she has shown us the link, we know it is real.

she has asked to go, but with three girls we don;t know so well, one of which we do know, and the last time she was at our house did stuff we were not happy with (ie, was DD1's 14th b/day, we allowed a sleep-over for 6 of her friends, and this one girl had invited boys over via bebo and the first we knew was me going down as I heard the door open, and there were boys in the lounge........at midnight).

hence, we have little trust for this one girl we know, and as much as we trust out own DD, this is very very hard. We want her to grow up, (she is 15 in april BTW), we want her to do stuff that we used to do, but at the same time, we (me especially thru bad experiences), know what it can be like out there, especially if you are with girls who like to push the boundries a lot little.

now, as it stands at this moment in time, we have said yes, but we drop her there, pick her up, I have given her basic safety advice, and she will have her mobile.

she is ranting tho about how unfair it all is, how we don;t trust her, how her friends claims she is being treated like a baby etc etc etc.

we are trying so hard to do things in our way, so WE feel safe knowing that she is as safe as poss, but at the same time knowing we have to let her do this stuff cos soon enough she is going to be leaving school and getting on with her own life!

argh...................I want my toddlers back, I hate having teenagers!!!!

are we doing this right??

are we being too hard??

how do we tread with her??

and what curfew is normal for this age.............at the moment she has to be home before dark or at least ring us at 5.30pm to let us know exactly where she is, but she is wanting later. I have said it will get later as it gets lighter and as she does things right now so I trust her more and more so allow more and more (IYGWIM).

HELP

please

[atowncalledalice]

I think you should let her go, sticking to the arrangements you've made to drop her off an pick her up. DS1 (he's 17 now and goes to the Carling Academy every week ) went to a few of these sorts of things. They usually finish at 10.30 - I presume it's at the weekend?

If it's going to turn into a regular thing, perhaps you could arrange to pick her up at ten the first time: that way you hopefully avoid the cattle-market of snogging that happens at the very end of the evening. If everything goes fine, you could always extend the curfew if she goes again. HTH

[psychomum5]

thankyou for the reply.

it is actually being held next monday (half term), which thinking about it is a good thing as the usual saturday night crowds won't be out and therefore it should be fairly quiet and just the teens out.

I think I will do the earlier pick-up. maybe by 15mins and say it is because of getting stuck behind/with lots of other parents doing the same thing. hoping she will allow it without a tantrum.

it is so hard isnt; it, letting them go!

[Pimmpom]

Think you are doing all the right things These u18 clubs have a strict no alcohol policy so at least you know where she is. As long as she is being dropped off and picked up, she should be fine. The way I look at it is, these places are better than trying to get in to over 18's and if you let her go she may find them hot, crowded and boring like my dd . If you say no, they will seem very appealing

[psychomum5]

pimmpom, good point re-letting her go and her maybe finding it boring.

never thought of that

[GrinnyPig]

My neighbours DDs used to go to those under 18s club nights and from what she has said you will be trampled in the rush of parents arriving to pick them up. Fortunately DD1(15) has no interest in them at all, so for the moment I don't have to worry (I suspect DD2 might be more challenging).

[psychomum5]

well, at least she won;t be the only one being collected then, unlike what she tried to imply (ie, that she will look like a baby!!).

still hating the thought of it, but feeling better for posting here

[Pimmpom]

DD said the best part was when the parents stopped off at KFC on the way home

[mdrooney]

Oh psychomum I am in a simler postion but my dd is only 13, and she wants to go to a under 18s night on monday night too, I really think she is too young the friends she wants to go with have been before, and I have seen photos they all look much older then 13, I really dont feel comfertable with letting her go and think she should wait a least a year, this teenage thing is really really hard, dd is meant to be going for pizza with friends on Saturday night, a mixture of boys and girls and staying at her friends house after, I know her friend who she is sleeping at, but do not know the boys that are going for the pizza, dd has met them before at her friends house, dd is fairly sensebile and mature but I rember being 13 and being swept up with all thats going on and feeling a little out of my depth at times but wanted to be seen as more grown up then I really was.

[psychomum5]

mdrooney.......I have done the mixed sleepover thing......am one ahead of you there.

tis not so bad, altho I was the mum having them here so I had some control and my DD's were here obviously, so less worrying. BUT, with it being mixed, it is normally the same as with lots of girls but less high pitched.

the clubbing tho, tis scary isn;t it.......

pimmpom, there is a McD's right next to the club

[Flamesparrow]

can i just lock her in a room until she agrees to listen to decent music?

[MrsMattie]

Lots of 15 yr old girls are sneaking off to over 18s nightclubs behind their parents backs. She is being straight with you and the night is aimed at youngsters. Let her go.

[psychomum5]

flame, now I'm scared.............



mrsmattie, you have made a good point

[MrsMattie]

Honestly, she sounds very sensible. Give her some ground rules and give her a chance to stick to them. If she pisses about, you won't be so lenient next time

[MaureenMLove]

I had this very conversation just before Christmas, when DD(13) wanted to go to the under 18's club, where I spent my yoof!

Back in December, I was assured by lots of posters that actually it is so well supervised and so well organised, that it'll be fine.

I think a certain amount of 'what you can't see, won't hurt' needs to be observed here! Hard as it is, she is growing up and you can't know everything. She will be absolutely fine. She's a sensible kid and as long as you explain in a calm manner about why you make this rules, you'll be fine.

Go for it. She'll have a ball and thank you for letting her go. Next time it'll be so much easier.

(DD is going for the 2nd time this half term and I don't feel nearly as nervous as I did the first time!)

[MaureenMLove]

I agree with your curfew completely btw. DD is not allowed out after dark, unless its at a friends or organised thing and then she has to be picked up. Like you, as it gets lighter, it will be longer.

[psychomum5]

mrsjammi, she is not 15 until april.

as for the curfew, it is under review, but the 5.30 is to do with darkness and her coming home on her own on the bus. if she is out at the pics then it is whenever it finishes and then we collect. same with anything else she does that has a later finishing (ie, dancing, scouts etc).

she is my eldest, I am still learning with her, I had a crap childhood and was also subjected to minor assults at the age she is now.........hence I am worried, and probably over-protective. please don;t tell me that she will start lying to me......that is not going to help me let her grow up.

I am asking for advice, not critism, and I want her to grow as much as she wants. at the same time, my job as her mum is to keep her safe!

[MaureenMLove]

Psycho, there's nothing wrong with your curfew.

[psychomum5]

maureen, thankyou for that. I will keep it in mind when I am sat fretting on monday night

[MaureenMLove]

I'll sit with you, as long as you sit with me on Tuesday night!

[psychomum5]

we have a date

[psychomum5]

mrsjammi, maybe so, but I took it as such (re the critism), which is my opinion!

ah hell...........tis hard enough perenting teens without us griping on here about who upst who. I know you are only pointing out what I already know.

FWIW, do you have any daughters?? I sometimes wonder if it is easier letting sons go than daughters.....................I would imagine that with boys you think them able to defend themselves better. I just know how it was for me growing up (being female obviously).

I know even now with my sons I am less fretful about them playing out than I was with the girls at the same ages, but I have no idea if it is just because I have learnt to be softer with them becuase the girls did as they were told, and so the trust has built up (IYGWIM).

I also think it is all to do with 'eldest child syndrome'...............ie, she will have it harder all her teens than her siblings because once I have 'done' 13, so the next 13yr old is easy cos I know what to expect.

did I make any sense back there???

[nickschick]

Psychomum - my dh was a bouncer and when our ds1 wanted to go to our local teen disco - dh investigated it - they re very strict about drinking,violence and clothing - its usually a private organiser using a well known venue - they employ more doormen than neccesary and are very aware of the needs of these teens (the club that we looked into only has doormen that have teen experience on on nights like this ).

In all honesty I didnt want ds to go and luckily he didnt want to go after causing the fuss initially grrr but i think you have to let her try with some firm rules from you that you can bebd in accordance with her behaviour.

The ticker fee we found was quite high this was explained that only genuine 'go-ers' would go and so that trouble off the st wouldnt just go and cause trouble then bugger off.

Apparently at our local one at about 10.30 theres loads of mums and dads waiting outside ready to drive their kids home too.