Lonely Boy

[Maple77]

Am new. Have posted on education but will try this as well. My ds is in 2nd year of secondary school.He does well in lessons but struggles with break and lunchtimes. He usually has lunch with a group of boys but has said he often feels awkward with them. He has no real friends. He did see one of the boys out of school a few times but that fizzled out. His bf from primary went to a different school and they haven't maintained regular contact. He is happy at home with us and with his extended family. How can I help my shy bright boy?

[PuzzleRocks]

Bumping for you.

[mumblechum]

My ds was in a similar situation for the first 2 terms of secondary, but I organised loads of after school or weekend get togethers direct with other boys' mums (via the phone no. sheet provided by the school), and soon he was getting return invites. I invited about 7 or 8 boys altogether and not all of those relationships gelled, but he now has 4 really good friends who all get together at weekends.

Your ds will probably not want you to get involved, esp. as he's now yr 8, but I'd talk to the form tutuor if I were you, find out who she thinks are the most likely candidates (shared hobbies, chatting together in form periods etc) and take it from there. IME, leaving boys, esp. shy ones, to initiate a social life ain't gonna happen.

Good luck

[Pimmpom]

Hi Maple and welcome. I was going to suggest the same as mumblechum and say about inviting boys back after school. Maybe a different one once a week for a few weeks and see if any friendships strike up. I know they are at a funny age though because I have said to my ds, also yr 8, would you like so and so back and he says "Oh, boys don't have friends back for tea"

Maybe if he has a new game on wii or ps3 etc, he could ask someone over to play?

Good luck x

[mummyflood]

Hi, Maple. You could so be talking about my DS2, also Yr8 - very similar child/situation.

Agree with Pimmpom that this is a 'funny age' (aren't they all??!) I have posted myself previously on the same subject. Yr8 is still fairly early days at secondary - I feel my lad is only in the last month or so beginning to settle in and gel a little better with a few boys, that's typical of him, he does take longer than some to adapt to new situations.

Depending on how your school works, may he be split/streamed in some or all of his classes so that he gets to meet a wider range of kids? I definitely think it is worth voicing your concerns to the school - tutor, HOY, etc. We did this, and I think it has been beneficial - they have found various little tasks/responsibilities for my Son which has helped his self-esteem and made him become a little more out-going. Perhaps your school may also be able to suggest some clubs or activities which he may like to go to but may not know about?

However, at the end of the day, if your DS is quiet by nature and has a loving, supportive home life then I am sure it will all work out for him eventually when he matures - my DS1 has certainly widened his outlook/social circle since he started his options in September and is now in completely different classes, subjects, etc. with probably more things in common with his classmates. I am hoping that the same thing happens for DS2 and that he too 'blossoms' over the next year or two.

Just a supportive post really, not much advice, but best wishes to you.

xxMFxx

[TiggyR]

I think trying to socially engineer their friendships for them almost always backfires. Children know who they like and who they are drawn to, and no amount of contrived matchmaking will work if they don't feel a genuine connection.They may hang around for a while out of a sense of duty but ultimately it won't go anywhere unless the other child's heart is really in it, which could result in your son feeling rejected and confused. I would recommend you encourage him to find as many hobbies/sports clubs, kids discussion forums etc as he can, where he has a genuine interest and aptitude. These will give him confidence and the ability to chat easily with kids members about the things they have in common. There will also be the inevitable social gatherings attached to these clubs. If you are a very social animal and used to being popular and relaxed in anyone' company it can be very hard to accept that your child is rather more insular and socially uncomfortable. Offer him encouragement and work on boosting his self-esteem, but ultimately this things cannot be forced. I have a 16 year old and many of the boys in his year who were labelled nerds, geeks and mummy's boys aged 12 have blossomed into popular and 'cool' kids who have maintained an air of individuality that the populist crowd can only emulate! Have faith, and give him time!

[AMAZINWOMAN]

You say that your son is happy at home and with his extended family.

Doesn't everybody want their children to be happy? And that is what you have... A son who is happy.

Are there any signs that he is he finding his life stressful?