12 year old girl (friend of DD) having sex - what to do?

[PersephoneSnape]

Not quite sure what to do ? or how to handle this ? or whether to keep my nose out, so I really do appreciate any advice  And the person in question isn?t quite a teen, but is certainly acting likeone, so I?ve popped this in here.

My DD (13) is friends with a 12 year old girl (let?s call her girl A) who she met via mutual friends. Girl A is home schooled, so there isn?t an opportunity to talk to school about this (which would make things a bit easier for me) Girl A has brightly coloured hair, facial piercings, lots of make up - she?s tiny, but developing etc. She could easily pass for 16. I haven?t met girl As mum, but my DD does spend a fair amount of time at her house and sleeps over on occasion with some other girls. Until recently DD has been protective of her relationship with girl A and I have allowed her an amount of freedom that I deem appropriate, although she does occasionally try to stretch this. I?ve always thought that to put down my foot and be all ?you-can?t-see-girl-A she?s-a-bad-influence!? would just cement their friendship.

My DD has fallen out with Girl A over something silly and teenagey, and last night told me that Girl A has a 20+ year old bf ? a photographer (who my DD has met) photographer is friends with a band that he takes photos for and Girl A has slept with 2 boys from the band (both in their very late teens or early 20s) DD is absolutely disgusted and assures me that she finds this really awful and won?t be doing what Girl A does, just because girl A does it. DD is very sensible ? my main concern is girl A. Her parents have broken up very recently, she has had a hard time of it, but her reactions seem to be drinking, smoking and now, apparently having sex.

Should I talk to her mum, who?ve I haven?t met before (hi! I?m DDs mum, your daughter is having sex?), talk to the police, find the boys in the band on myspace (?) and tell them how old girl A is, or keep my nose well out. Would you like to know if your tear-a-way 12 year old was having sex? Or is it all talk/bragging and trying to look important and grown up ( Girl A can spin some amazing tales)

What would mumsnet do?

[belgo]

very hard, but she's 12 years old and I think you have to do something - probably talk to her parents if you can.

[compo]

talk to her mum
it might just be bragging but still you have to do something

[Carmenere]

What would you want if it was your dd? I think you would want to know so you could help her. Tell her mum.

[Remotew]

Hmm not sure. I know girls who have bragged about having sex at 14 with boys say 15 or 16. I wouldn't dream of telling their parents what I've heard it is non of my business.

I understand your concern with late teens having sex with a 12 year old (if it's true) but it's something for her parents to sort out.

Let's hope that your DD has fallen out with Girl A permenantly. Peer's can have an enormous influence at this age.

[AMumInScotland]

I think when she's as young as 12, you should try to talk to her mum if there's a way to do it - it may all be bragging, but if so it's still a cry for attention and her mum needs to know she's that unhappy to either be doing it or making it up. I don't think I'd say straight out "she's having sex" because you don't know for sure, but you can say you're worried that she's unhappy and seems to be reacting in ways which mum should know about.

[cory]

Sounds a bit like bragging (big boys, in a band).

[Idrankthechristmasspirits]

why is a 20 yr old "photographer" going out with a 12 yr old??

dsd's mother's husband (if you can follow that!) had sex with a 12 yr old and a 13 yr old when he was 19. He is on the sex offenders register.

You need to talk to the mum, if she won't listen then speak to NSPCC and get advise from them.

[Tortington]

i'd call social services i think.

if she's telling these lies and has no consequence of them, or if your dd is, then this might make them see how very ver dangerous it is.

[Craggy]

Not following you Custy.

Yes phone Social Services, they will become involved at some point anyway.

[Craggy]

just in case you thought I was ...following you.

[orangehead]

possibly bragging. But I think you need to talk to her mum Im sure you would want someone to tell you if she was your daughter. I know it wont be easy as you dont know how she will react, but any other route ie the police, Im almost certain the mum will critize you for not coming to her first. I dont think its something you can turn a blind eye to

[compo]

surely talk to parents before phoning social services?

[Remotew]

I agree have a word with her mum. If you went to social services and she was making it up she could then carry on with terrible consequences for the men in the band.

[27]

I think you do need to say something - what this girl is really saying is that she is a victim of rape/ child sexual abuse (because technically that is what this is).

I would tell the mum first, and then SW if I thought things were still very concerning after that.

This does sound a bit like bragging, but it could be a safer way for her to try saying what is happening eg she may be uncomfortable with things, but telling your dd in this way to test out her reaction to it.

[Tortington]

but the girl isn't going to say " yes MUM i am 12 and much older men have sex with me"

i think it warrents further proper investigation that only social services would follow up on actually.

[MarmadukeScarlet]

I think I am with Custy on this.

The mother already seems to have an alternative parenting style, perhaps treating her DD as an adult already -facial piercings at 12 - and would not possibly take the same approach to this as should be taken to protect a young child.

She is 12, that is considered too young to give consent and is, therefore, rape.

[zazen]

I would talk to the police and have a chat with them about what may be happening to this girl.

It sounds like statutory rape to me.
These men need to be arrested for raping a child. A house search of the photographers premises and home wouldn't go amis either - any compromising photos of girl A would be child porn, which is a crime also.

This is serious, please go and talk with the police asap.

[NorkyButNice]

Surprised you don't meet the parents before letting your DD stay at their house?

That aside - yes, you should speak to her Mum. Does your DD think it's true or does she think she's likely to be making it up?

It doesn't sound very likely to me - how many 12 year olds could really carry off pretending to be 15 or 16? Or are we to believe that there are a large number of men out there who actually like the idea of sleeping with 12 year olds?

[frogs]

What custy said. There's no way you can raise this with the mum without it looking like criticism of her parenting choices, and making her defensive. It would be different if you know the parents, but in the circs I think you have to go the SS route.

I would also not be remotely keen on my dd staying over at this child's house tbh. (And yes, i do have a teenage dd myself).

[Craggy]

I had to deal with much the same situation, the girl was slightly older. She lied constantly, she was terrified.

She spoke with Social Services and they helped her. She told them the truth.

SS then gave mum several opportunities to speak to girl, she still lied, so SS told mum the truth.

It was sorted. She is still at home living with her parents, nothing too bad will happen.

They will help her.

[fourlittlefeet]

are you really sure they are having sex? she could be just sleeping with them. I say this as I really did regularly just sleep with a 20+ year old when I was an inappropriate age. I found it very comforting and wasn't at all threatened or pressured into anything sexual.

[PersephoneSnape]

I don?t want to show my ignorance of home schooling here ? If child A were at ?regular? school, I?d pass the problem straight onto them and lift a bit of a weight from my shoulders - Is there a kind of equivalent safety net with home schooling at the local authority? Is someone ?in charge? of pastoral care with the local council?

I still don?t quite know what to do ? there is a level of alternate parenting involved here - child A can go to large town 45 miles away on her own (with friends, no adults) she has lip and nose piercings, has had pink hair etc, stays out late ? but I do think there is a difference between allowing your child some (age appropriate) freedoms and them drinking, smoking etc ? obviously her mum knows about her appearance and some of her whereabouts, she might believe that to be less restrictive with smoking/drinking teaches her child something (I?m very straight-laced about these things, so am not quite sure what..) but surely she doesn?t know that child A is having sex.

It?s definitely sex btw, apparently child A bought a pregnancy test and pee?d on it without taking the top off, because she didn?t know how to use it)

I now sound like a troll, because I can?t quite believe that I?m in this situation myself.

Think I need to quiz DD a little more.

[helena99]

Girl A isn't at school. But your DD is, and this situation must be affecting her.
Can you speak to your school?

[frogs]

I don't think letting a 12yo go to a town 45 miles away is an 'age-appropriate freedom' tbh. I don't think there's any alternative to the SS route really. At the very least the child is at risk of STDs and pregnancy, however laid back or in denial the mother might be about what she's getting up to.

[Tortington]

poor girl.

please phone police or social services. its not fair that she doesn't have the right to her childhood.