Developing a theory about teenagers

[ladystardust]

I've wanted to add my theory to several different posts but haven't wanted to sound unsympathetic.
Anyway, I've had (am having) very...er...challenging time with dd (now 17).

Many of her friends have some kind of 'condition'. These range from high anxiety to OCD to eating disorders, depression etc etc.
When parents show concern (worry, despair etc) about these issues the advice always seems to be 'get help' 'family counselling', talk to your doctor, talk to your child or if you can't, find someone who can.

My concern is that our generation of parents have learned that 'it's good to talk' and have encouraged openness in our children, encouraged them to talk about their feelings, share their pain.
My problem is that in so doing we are taking from them any ability to grow up and break away.
When my dd is listing her daily physical and mental complaints I want to say to her, "go to your room, play music, write poetry, do what I did when I was your age. But most of all develop a life separate and secret from me."
I am convinced that this is why their conditions are so extreme as they have to find something that is only theirs.

And please! A teenager who drinks, takes drugs, becomes anti-social, even steals DOES NOT NEED THERAPY. And neither do we for raising a child who wants to do those things.

Thanks! Rant over.

[poppy34]

amen to that...that said living with the music loving/poetry reading teenage is a PITA-makes me cringe now at how I was...

[cory]

Sounds a little oversimplified to me. Can we rephrase it to "not all teenagers who drink, take drugs, become anti-social, even steal NEED THERAPY"?

Most of my friends who did those things as teens came through without the help of therapy. But a few of them are dead. And it does seem an awful waste.

[mummyflood]

Interesting post.

I agree to a certain degree that there comes a point where teens (or even earlier) must learn to 'get a grip' - part of the maturing process, i.e. not every tiny worry, sniff, etc. needs a 'drop everything, lets sort it out' approach.

HOWEVER, I think the phrase 'most of all, develop a life separate and secret from me' may be a little harsh. Probably depends on how old the teen is, I wouldn't like to think, for example, that either my 15 or 13 yr old DS's had a life secret from me just yet. I think that could potentially be very dangerous at ages where they are just starting to develop independence and experience new things, not necessarily within the comfort zone of the family, and I think it is vital that I know what they are up to, where they are, what their interests/worries etc are, that they are generally able to communicate with us (on a teenage boys grunt scale level) and that both myself and DH are involved in their lives, and to be honest I do not see that changing dramatically over the next couple of years - I see that as fundamental parenting. They do obviously have separate aspects to their lives - school, when they are with friends, when DS1 is away with explorers, DofE, etc.

However I realise that they do need some privacy on a personal level, again in line with increasing maturity both physical and emotional, but I do not think that is the same as secrecy.

[brimfull]

sort of agree

tis a symptom of our" helicopter parenting ' style these days

we feel the need to be involved a bit too much in their lives

I think when a teen drinks/takes drugs without his parents knowing is probably coping better with his teenage years than the ones that do it to such an extent it affects the whole family.
The latter I think do probably need some help ..whatever that may be.National service would probably do the trick.

[chopchopbusybusy]

I don't agree that 'developing a life that is secret and separate' is the answer. When I was a teen I had a poor relationship with my parents. I was unable to talk to them about anything other than day to day events. I spent most of my teenage years in my bedroom listening to (sad) music and writing (sad) poetry. My parents were old in comparison to the parents of my peers and I was jealous of the relationships some of my friends had with their parents.

I have a 15 year old DD. She has lots of interests, so is out a lot pursuing those. She spends a lot of time in her room, much of it getting on with homework which she takes very seriously - I never did. She also enjoys spending time with me and seems happy to talk about 'stuff'. Our relationship is fairly relaxed and although she certainly thinks DH and I are old farts at times (interestingly we had our children when we were the same age as my parents), I do believe she sees us as people too and not just parents.

To my knowledge none of DDs friends have 'conditions' as you describe.

I will confess I have had to sit on my hands when reading some of the recent posts about teens being off the rails. In most of these cases the signs would have been there a few years before the problems began and then was the time to start dealing with the problems, not once the teen is lying comatose in a drink and drug fuelled stupor.

[notnowplease]

I couldn't agree more.And in addition without exception every adult I know who has engaged in therapy to try to 'fix' themselves is still wrestling with teh original issue!And 2 close friends are 15 yrs plus down the line with various therapists and still aren't right in their own minds or able to move on.

[cory]

I think the ideal is to find a balance between having a secret and separate life yet being able to ask for help when you need it.

Tbh I would rather my soon-to-be-teen came to me for help than that she sat alone in her room cutting her wrists.

It is easy to idealise the days of our youth- not least because those of us who are now around to recall them are the survivors. But I did have friends who succumbed to anorexia. I did have friends who died from drug-related problems. 0r mental health problems that might well have been treatable. Maybe therapy wouldn't have helped. But if I had been their mum I would have liked to have felt that I had at least tried everything possible.

People who believe that anorexia and OCD weren't around in the '70s and '80s must either have been very naive at the time (or not born) or have very short memories.

I have a strong feeling that some people who spent years in mental hospitals at that time might have been able to lead better quality life with earlier interventions. Because it was certainly not the case that no young people ended up in mental institutions in those days.

Therapy may not always help. But then shutting yourself away in a room with a razor doesn't seem an ideal solution either.

[bagsforlife]

Yes, I think there has to be a balance too.

It wasn't all so rosy in the old days when you couldn't communicate with a parent for fear of being 'told off' or to 'pull yourself together', but I do also think that some of today's teenagers are rather 'indulged' in their anxieties as well!!

I do think a lot of teen behaviour is set well before they actually become teens, as someone else has pointed out. If they are fairly reasonably behaved, not spoilt, not attention seeking younger children, they tend to turn out OK as teens.

I feel very sorry for the OP's daughter. She sounds desperately unhappy deep down and no doubt the mother is too. I can only imagine the DD is like one of the teens sent to Boot Camp on the TV prog. They have usually been far too indulged in their behaviour for a long time and all parties are fighting to get out of a horrible situation without anyone 'losing face' as far as I can see. There is usually a deep, underlying problem, which needs to be sorted out in the first instance. I do hope they take professional advice before that DDs life is ruined. This is not normal teen behaviour IMO.

[bagsforlife]

oops, last paragraph refers to the thread about 'my teen has gone off the rails'...

[piscesmoon]

I also think there has to be a balance. I have just known the tragic case of a 19yr old committing suicide, it was all such a waste. If he had talked about his problems it could have been sorted out, and it was the sort of thing he would have looked back on in a couple of years and wondered why he worried. Sadly, it wasn't a cry for help-there was no warning and he meant it to be final.
I would far rather mine talked, however irritating, than shut themselves off.

[LittleBella]

No I think you're talking rubbish.

I don't see how being good at communicating your feelings, stops you growing up.

And I don't think you can categorically state that a teenager who drinks, takes drugs etc. DOES NOT NEED THERAPY. Some do, some don't.

I don't really think you need a theory on teenagers anymore than you need a marxist analysis of the world. The problem with categorical theories, is that they tend to have inconvenient exceptions.

[happystory]

I don't think you are talking rubbish and you've obviously given it a lot of thought as dh and I have, having a troublesome 17 year old ds of our own. We were never 'helicopter parents' with him when he was younger but as we get older-and I think more anxious in general and about what life holds for him - I KNOW we interfere more.
I wish I could stop. But I don't want him to smoke, take drugs, drink excessively, get in with a bad lot etc etc. But dh and I agree that we were doing some of that and our peers were often doing ALL of that and most of the time their /our parents were oblivious and the kids turned out ok....

So I know what you are saying....

[mumeeee]

That is rubbish. I think it is important for a teenager to have parents who are willing to listen.. I have 3 DDs aged 21,19 and 17 today. Yes they do have seperate lives but they also have lives with us. We have always told them that they can come to us with any problems and we are always ready to listen. DD1 and 3 like to talk.DD2 is very quite and tends to want to sort out problems herself. She only tells us when she is very worried about something.
DD1 is now a mature young lady and is geting maried in 11 weeks time.