16year dd sex not happy

(41 Posts)
toomuchempathy Wed 26-Nov-08 19:17:27

Am pretty sure 16 dd has has sex for first time. ( sorry, another diary reader- just too tempting)am rather disappointed in her as she has had plenty of chance to mention the fact but when subject of being on own with boyfriend is mentioned ( we have never been happy with this but how do you stop it ) is still saying we have to trust her and she is not stupid ,ok but although hopefully used condom is not on the pill and i feel betrayed that she has not admitted it despite ample opportunity . I want her to go on pill to be really safe but how can i approach this if she is too scared to tell me. thought i had had enough discussion with her to avoid this & feel she has been presurised a bit by boyfriend 17 , wish she had waited another year or so but seems the norm these days ?

I don't think it'd be a case that she's frightened to talk to you, probably just embarassed, I was. I didn't tell my parents for years that I was having sex.
It is a difficult time I think, especially now that they are doing it so much younger these days.
Can't give you a parents point of view because I don't have teenagers, but I was always too embarassed to bring the subject up with my mum.

subtlemouse Wed 26-Nov-08 19:25:51

Still haven't told mine - tho I guess DS is a bit of a giveaway...

toomuchempathy Wed 26-Nov-08 19:30:15

yes thanks , hadn't occured to me but prob very true - still feeling rather cross !!

Maveta Wed 26-Nov-08 19:31:39

my mum was convinced I was having sex well before i was and insisted i go on the pill just in case, why don´t you just say you appreciate she has her right to privacy (which btw she does - don´t read her diaries!!!!) but that you would ask her to go on the pill to give you (and her) peace of mind. That way when she does start to have sex (emphasising that it can obviously happen when you are least expecting it), no need to let on you invaded her privacy and risk her losing trust in you, she and you can feel safe that she is protected from pregnancy. And she doesn´t have to come to you with a big announcement.

For god´s sake please stress the importance of continuing to use condoms though. I was a bit lacklustre re. condoms when i was a teenager and got the hpv virus which can cause cervial cancer. Subsequently had all sorts of probs with abnormal smears, pre cancerous cells and biopsys, laperoscopies etc etc. A total mare and totally preventable. IMO pregnancy is the main thing parents focus on with kids and not enough on the std side.

I doubt she is scared, my parents were very open about sex but I never wanted to come out and tell them i was having sex. That would be a bit weird, don´t you think? Why do you think she should tell you?

ANTagony Wed 26-Nov-08 19:32:18

The other advantage of the pill is it regulates and generally lightens your periods plus you can double up so that if your on holiday/ have a special event you don't need to be on. It is really difficult to discuss these things, could you bring it up from this angle and then more casually drop in obviously if/when you do become sexually active its an extra layer of protection ontop of condoms.

My mum had the talk with me when I was 15 on hearing the news a 16year old cousin was pregnant. It consisted of sex is bad your not ever to have sex - to which I, as a flippant teenager, responded 'what not even when I'm married' to receive the response 'No its just dirty and bad don't do it ever'.

Ivykaty44 Wed 26-Nov-08 19:32:42

Do you tell your dd when you and your d/p have sex? or do you think it has nothing to do with your dd? What do you want your dd to tell you exactly - sorry but sex is personel and should really stay between two consenting adults and that is exactly what she is a consenting adult as once she is 16 it is legal whther you like it or not in law she is an adult able to have sex.

I am sure you have been sensible and given her all the facts about contraception, taken her to the nurse so she knows where to go for such stuff and explained about being cheap and forced through pressure to have sex - now you can only sit back and let her be her own person.

Oh dear! Why would she tell you? Did you ever thing that your sexual activities were the business of your mother?

Are you upset because she hasn't told you, just because she hasn't told you, or because you'd like to open up the converstation in order to guide her?

If the later you could always say:

'You seem to be seeing a lot of x now so I presume you are either sexually active or thinking about it. I just want to make sure that you ............ I know it probably isn't something you'd want to discuss with your mother but please feel you can if you want to or need to!

I don't think it is anything you have a right to be cross about though!

choufleur Wed 26-Nov-08 19:38:56

If you mention the pill and sex to her now will she have an any idea that you have read her diary? I would have been furious if my mum had read my diary at 16. Just wondering if it will do more harm than good now speaking with her about it.

Agree with Ivy - it's private. I'm 34 and guess my parents know that i have sex but i still don't want to talk to them about it.

llareggub Wed 26-Nov-08 19:39:35

I would rather have chewed my own toenails than tell my mother about having sex. Why on earth would she want to do this?

I can't understand why you think it is OK to read her diary. This is a huge breach of trust and I hope for your sake she never finds out that you've done this.

Can't you open a general conversation with her about sex and contraception without leaving it up to her to raise it?

I'm not sure that I'd rate the pill personally as contraception of choice, I'd certainly not recommend it to others.

hercules1 Wed 26-Nov-08 19:41:37

I would never have discussed my sex life with my mother when I was 16 shock

toomuchempathy Wed 26-Nov-08 19:41:51

thanks maveta, points taken, Think its because she knows my view is to take pill & use condoms ( she knows I too had problems re abnormal smears etc) ( with boy not necssarily knowing re pill ) is the only 'safe' way to have sex thaT I Thought she would be sensible enough to deal with this before hand but then she is only 16.5. !!felt she would wait for a bit longer so bit disappointed in her, she has enough going on without even more potential emotional upset to deal with . breakups always seem to happen near exams !

toomuchempathy Wed 26-Nov-08 19:46:35

thanks for messages, think i still felt she is a child and not a legal adult. and old fashioned enough to feel that sex could have waited a bit longer.......... and when still at school and dependant on parents for lifts, £, etc we still have some say in her life.... maybe not....

Did you feel the need to know when she began masterbating?

poshwellies Wed 26-Nov-08 19:59:01

Oh and you shouldn't of read her diary-my mum read mine and blew my trust away.

Ivykaty44 Wed 26-Nov-08 19:59:32

toomuch empathy - we know she is still your little girl, but when you wern't looking she grew up smile

Just remember you have brought her up well - so have a little faith in your own ability to have done the job right wink Your dd must though make her own choices and they may not be what you want her to decide - but that is not for you to decide it is her life.

toomuchempathy Wed 26-Nov-08 20:03:08

do most people think it is ok to have sex at 16 ?

ANTagony Wed 26-Nov-08 20:05:56

I think its a bit young. They're not ready to deal with the consequence. I also think you're right if under your roof and reliant on you for finance they need to be tolerant as a young adult of your beliefs. As you as the parent of a young adult get to be tolerant of their taste in clothes, friends, music etc.

Its a game of mutual respect surely?

poshwellies Wed 26-Nov-08 20:09:01

The thing is you won't stop it-whether you feel it's right or not,you just have to arm them with information on risks of sex (ie condom wearing).You may not like it but I'm afraid, it's part of becoming a adult.

I think it depends very much on the maturity of the girl but one thing is almost always true: She'll be ready before you are!

Maveta Wed 26-Nov-08 20:22:09

i can appreciate as a parent it seems too young. I first had sex when i was 14 shock my parents would be mortified to find that out. although I didn´t do it again until i was 17. I kind of think from my own experiences that it´s really not that big a deal. It´s just sex. It´s important that they feel loved, that they can trust the person they are doing it with and that they WANT to do it but beyond that.. I found out myself that I felt too young, that I wasn´t ready but at 17 I did feel ready. I was totally not scarred or damaged by the earlier experience, just didn´t like it!

My mum let my boyfriend (at 17/18) stay over but as I had a younger sister in the house she just said, without any more detail, that she wanted never wanted my little sister to catch us in the same bed. We might have had the odd ´messing around´ cuddles but we never had sex in their house, we both really appreciated the trust and the way they treated us like adults. I do appreciate not all teenagers would do the same.

TBH it´s kind of irrelevant that you think it is too young, legally it isn´t. You can ask that she doesn´t do it under your roof but thats about it.

LittlePeanut Wed 26-Nov-08 20:50:46

I first had sex at 15 shock which I know is too young. I felt pressured by my boyfriend who told me that his last girlfriend had done it with him. When I dumped him 4 years later he admitted he had made that up, and he had also been a virgin.

My point is, I didn't tell my mum. I have never discussed my sex life with my mum - why on earth would anyone want to? But I was brought up well, I was sensible, went on the pill and always used condoms. I have only ever slept with one other man since that first boyfriend, and that's my DH.

So it is not the end of the world that she is having sex at 16. As long as she's sensible, this is unlikely to ruin her life. She is just growing up. Give her some room. And how can you have a relationship with mutual trust when you are reading her diary? That's just plain wrong.

Ivykaty44 Wed 26-Nov-08 21:20:49

It has been deemed legal at 16, probably due to the fact that you can get married at 16, therefore it would be a tad silly to get married and not be able to consumate the marriage. So regardless of what I think it is deemed to be legal and appropriate. I would choice to wait but that would be my own choice and I would not force my views on you or anyone else.

The laws were changed about the age of marriage in 1929 - when up till then girls could get married in England and Wales at the age of 12 and boys 14. it was changed to be 16 for both sexes, with parental consent and 18 without consent of the parent.

Hulababy Wed 26-Nov-08 21:25:12

I would never have discussed my sex life with my parents when I was a teenager. I am 35y now and still haven't discussed it.

Don't read her diaries though - it isn't fair on her.

As for is it oay to have sex at 16y. Yes, quite young still but it is legal. Whether it is right or not - depends on circumstances a lot. I was 17y when I first had sex but it was with a long term boyfriend - who is now my DH!

VerifiedLU4097 Fri 28-Nov-08 14:40:32

Sometimes when I read this stuff it feels like parents were 'born' at 30. What were you like as a teenager? Its still vividly in my mind, so you must be able to remember as well. I'm 30 and I still don't talk to my mother about sex!! Its none of her business! she must know I do it, as I am married, but she has no idea when I lost my virginity- 18 (or at least I don't think she does). She always used to call it intercourse, which made it sound dreadfully practical and biological. How would you have felt if your diary was read when you were a teen?

she's 16, at the age of consent and hopefully you have her clued up about contraception/STIs. I'd thoroughly recommend leaving it at that. wink

Colditz Fri 28-Nov-08 14:45:31

It's not the norm these days, it's been the norm sinse time began. And when I was 16 wild horses would not have endured me to talk to my mother about having sex with my boyfriend - and by 16 I had been on the pill for 2 years without her knowledge.

I know she's your baby girl etc but she's old enough to get married and move out and start a family. You can't feel betrayed by her not telling you something you have absolutely no right to know about.

Colditz Fri 28-Nov-08 14:48:06

And jeez louise you read her diary and you feel betrayed?! That's appalling!

I was 14 when I had sex for the first time, I would not have discussed it with my parents I think you are being really harsh to think badly of her, she is over legal age and when would you have been ok with it, when she left school or university.

Out of interest how old were you when you lost your virginity, toomuch empathy, and did you tell your parents?

LilRedWG Fri 28-Nov-08 14:57:45

I still haven't told my parents that I'm having sex. I think my Dad is labouring under the illusion that I'm a virgin (despite DD being ample evidence) - I'm not going to disillusion him so why would your daughter?

I'm presuming your given her the safe-sex talk. If so, leave well alone, just make sure she knows that you are there if she wants to talk.

LilRedWG Fri 28-Nov-08 14:58:51

And STOP reading her diary! I wouldn't be at all suprised if she'd guessed that you read it.

LilRedWG Fri 28-Nov-08 14:59:42

How would you like it if she red your diary - or even your posts on MN?

kormachameleon Fri 28-Nov-08 15:19:09

i understand that you are a little upset by your finding this out but, as harsh as this sounds, it really is nothing to do with you.

she is a lot older than lots of girls who are out there having sex, rightly or wrongly.

how do you know that she has not sat down with the BF and decided to wait until she was legally old enough and felt ready ?
how can you feel disappointed when she may have acted so responsibly and maturely ?

i think you are asking too much. why on earth would you expect her to come runnning to you and tell you ? i would rather have pulled teeth than tell my mum.
but you know what ? really it is no big deal. as long as she hasnt been forced, she is careful and protects herself she wont end up mentally damaged. tis just sex

and stop reading her diary FFS, very very wrong

hauntedcitylover Sun 30-Nov-08 15:51:31

another one here who had sex at age 16 (am not in 40s). Waited till the legal age of consent so could get contraception.

Would not have dreamt of discussing it with my mother.

I hope I am alot more open and less judgemental with my DSs but still would not necessarily expect them to tell me when they did it.

ExH who is positively ancient lost his when he was 13!!

hauntedcitylover Sun 30-Nov-08 15:51:56

sorry I am in my 40s

Daisy15 Tue 02-Dec-08 18:46:00

As a girl roughly your daughters age (15) i'd like to say informing us of all the risks pushed us further in.

I was forever being told about STI's and teen pregnancy's and yes i did end up pregnant even though i had used the matchstick contraceptive in my arm. It's only 95% effective so i do not recommend it but my elder sister had side effects from The Pill including putting on weight.

Every girl her age is having sex, it's a fact of life. You shouldn't feel to dissappointed about not knowing. It is an awkward subject to talk about especcially with your mum.

I would say just blurt it out one day, make it seem your not that bothered about her being sexually active and coperate with her in order for her to agree to go on The Pill, she'll want to feel in control as though it was her decision.

Daisy15 Tue 02-Dec-08 18:47:35

And seriously reading her diary is beyond low.

ajandjjmum Thu 04-Dec-08 13:50:18

My dd is 15.5 and doesn't keep a diary - so I don't know how tempted I would be! grin

She had a boyfriend for around 18 months who was nearly two years older than her, and I spoke openly to them both about sex, and the fact that I felt that she was too young - in the middle of a film or whatever - rather than in a 'serious talk' environment. This was based on the fact that I knew he had had sex with a previous girlfriend, and I suspected was putting her under pressure.

I do actually believe dd, who tells me that she is sensible, and that I should trust her. Although haven't we all said that?

Her current boyfriend is closer to her age, although again, I know that he had a sexual relationship with his previous girlfriend.

Although I would love dd to remain virginal white until her 30's, I know it is not going to happen! I have been thinking about saying to her that although she knows I think she is too young (actually I mean immature!!), if she does think that sex is on the cards, we need to look at contraception. I also intend to suggest that if she is uncomfortable in doing this with me, she could either talk to a friend who is a GP, or her cousin who is in her 20's.

I don't want details of my kids personal lives, but I do want to protect them as far as I can, even if this means accepting things I don't like.

I must admit toomuchempathy, I would be a little sad that dd had felt able to talk to me, although I can understand why it could happen.

toomuchempathy Thu 04-Dec-08 16:41:10

thanks for messages and tellings off !! point taken although not her real diary - just a booklet she puts odd things in so didn't feel tooooo bad but is really so ok'will stop . and my mum did read my diary but i knew so put anything dodgy in code (which i now cannot read !!)Also gave me a five year diary with one key.took me years to realise that they came with Two keys ! And pleny of mums i know do look at phones, MSN messages ect ... not that it makes it right. However when a dd is still very dependant on parents despite being of age ect ect it is us who will have to pick up the pieces if things go wrong so still have some input to her behaviour. i didn't have full sex until away from home at 18 and then got cystitis which gave it away to my mum !! too scared of pregnancy when younger despite condoms . Yes i do remember ! and thought i had better relationship as have always been open about need for contraception ect ,

notsoclever Sun 07-Dec-08 13:06:12

Hi there toomuchempathy, I posted this on another thread, but have copied it here. I understand how you feel, it's a combination of shock (at what your DD is doing), guilt (for looking at her private information) and concern (about her protecting herself physically and emotionally).

I have just discovered (in DD2s room) a leaflet about the morning after pill, advice about the pill and some condoms. She is 15 and has been with her boyfriend for about 3 months.

My experience from DD1 is not to confront her directly as this makes her angry that I have been "snooping" - which I have, and only results in her becoming secretive. Instead I use the knowledge to start a conversation on a relevant topic.

I am a bit shocked about DD2, but I have to put that aside because it is not helpful. She is in the midst of the HPV virus injections at school so I will use that opportunity to have a discussion with her about responsible sex, avoiding STDs etc.

I have been clear with her and her boyfriend that when they stay here they must sleep in separate rooms, and when she stays at his house I speak to his parents to reinforce the same.

I have little choice but to accept that DD2 is probably having a sexual relationship, but I will not condone it in my house, and at the same time I have a responsibility to make sure she is safe.

It's a minefield!

Another one here who had sex when I was 16. Wanted to- didn't feel I was bowing to any pressure, I was with a boyfriend in a fairly settled relationship (even if only having been together a couple of months before doing the deed) and we were sensible about contraception. I didn't tell my Mum at the time, but even without reading my diary I think she suspected it. Luckily my Mum and I are/were very close and she managed to broach the subject gently, saying that she was glad to see me so happy with my boyfriend, and that if I ever wanted to talk to her about anything she was always there etc etc. I found myself telling her as it was a relief to share it with her- she was actually pleased for me as as she said her worst fear had been casual sex ("on the back of a bus or something!"). And she trusted I was being sensible and instead just chatted about various contraceptions she'd used and her experiences with them. From that point forth I knew if I felt I needed advice I could talk openly to her. Incidentally once I turned 17 she would allow my boyfriend to stay over in my room- as she said she'd rather we had sex in a safe environment than elsewhere- I know this is very contentious (even more so it seems for fathers) and I'm sure I will struggle with this when my DD is that age but I hope to keep in mind how I felt at the time- I really did feel mature enough to "handle it" and wanted to go that extra step in a relationship.

Hope you manage to talk to your DD gently and let her open up to you if she's ready to.

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