13 yr old DS 'round peg in a square hole'

[mummyflood]

Hi. This is probably going to be long, so thank you in advance to anyone patient enough to persevere!

I have 2 DS, just 13 and just 15. The 13yr old is causing me sleepless nights, and I was hoping that someone may remember being this boy, or have a 14/15/16 yr old now who used to be him, who can give me some reassurance that he will eventually come through.

Trying to be objective, as others seem to see him and treat him, he is immature for his age (i would say approx 2/3 years), is overweight, a born worrier, and generally doesnt seem to fit in. He is the child who no-one wants to pick as a partner, who, he says, no-one ever 'comes up to' at break or lunch, or asks to walk home with them. He is reasonably bright, but doesnt have oodles of commonsense when in a group situation. He has fairly limited interests, and certainly not the common teenage ones, i.e. games, msn, etc. However he is football mad and is quite knowleable.

To me, he is caring, loving, sensitive, funny and a generally brilliant little lad who I am so proud to have as my son. In case anyone is wondering - yes, it has crossed my mind is he very borderline AS or similar, but having read websites to death, he doesnt seem to fit the key criteria.

From time to time he expresses feelings of loneliness, and upsetment that he 'doesnt fit in'. To address his weight/fitness issues, he now goes to a gym once or twice a week and a tennis lesson, both of which he really enjoys, apart from the fact that he doesnt automatically get picked at tennis when partners are needed!! We have tried various suggestions re out of school/after school clubs - various pitfalls, they either fizzle out as teachers not really interested, or there is a limited take up, etc.

His older brother is the complete opposite of everything I have described, so I cannot (and probably should not) compare them. DS1 has not really altered in personality etc at all since about the age of 8.

It is only me that is worried - DH thinks he is fine and 'will grow out of it all', he just needs more confidence. I have discussed all this with his HOY, who was fantastic and found him many jobs to do, in an effort to boost his confidence and arranged for him to go to a one-off 'self esteem workshop', which he says he enjoyed and learned from. Whilst he is happy in his own company a lot of the time, obviously this is not ideal/healthy all of it. We do lots as a family and his older brother is reasonably good with him, although he does get frustrated with the immaturity!

Can anyone, as I said way back at the top, give me any comparable stories to draw reassurance from, that he will mature over the next 2/3 years and in the meantime what reassurance I can give him in his times of insecurity when he feels bad?

Many thanks, phew, that's it!!
xxMFxx

[missingtheaction]

My ds has always been a square peg in a round hole. From the age of about 8 or 9 he became increasingly out of step with other boys - hates all team sports; completely impervious to peer pressure; stayed apart reading at break times etc. I worried and took him to be assessed for AS and was laughed out of the room.

At 18 he is still a square peg in a round hole, but he is who he is. The big adjustment is that I have come to terms with him, and really appreciate his positive qualities. Crucially, although he has many negatives (like all teens) so does his more 'normal' sister. But she fits the mould and he doesn't.

So, from my experience I can't say my ds changed and became like other boys, he hasn't. Is he always happy? probably not. But then that's life - we can't all be top of the class, the most popular one, the pretty one, etc. most of us are bog standard, that's life.

You won't be able to change him, all you can do is help maximise his positives and minimise his negatives, love him unconditionally as he is. That's the best confidence boost of all.

[bagsforlife]

I think you should turn it round and look at the positives...nothing wrong with not enjoying 'usual' teenage hobbies, being interested in football is fine. There are plenty of boys absolutely obsessed with football and a few who feel 'left out' because they don't like it!

As far as not maturing, he is only just 13. Many, many boys do not mature until later. The school sounds like they are doing a good job too.

As far as insecurities are concerned, all 13 yr olds probably feel insecure at some time so it is not necessarily just him. I think you are perhaps picking up on things because you are (understandably) worrying about him.

My advice, for what it is worth, would be to ignore all his 'un-fitting in' (!) for a while and see what happens. He will probably slim down, grow up and turn out just fine. He may still be a bit 'different' to others but there will be plenty more 'different' boys around in the long run.

[mummyflood]

Thanks for the comments so far.

I have no difficulty whatsoever in seeing his positives, as I said in OP, he is a lovely lovely lad whom I am very proud to have as my Son. He is brilliant company and we all love him to bits. The problem is I just wish other kids would see him like that - even one nice friend would be great!!

I would still like to hear from others with similar stories/experiences. Maybe I am wishing for a crystal ball??!

[needanap]

I wouldn't worry. Have known lots of boys like this. When the other boys in his year grow up a bit and mature it will not be so hard for him to 'fit in'. Boys can be unfair around this age, but they soon grow out of it. Your DS sounds lovely... my DD had a friend who sounds very like him. At first in secondary school no one got on with him. Not that they disliked him, just that he didn't quite fit, iyswim. In her final year the boys were campaigning for him to come to the prom because he'd said it wasn't his thing, but they all really wanted him to be there! There's a facebook group for him and everything. It made me chuckle.

Are there any other clubs and things he might think about joining to meet any other nice lads his age?

[scaryteacher]

I thought my ds was like this for a long time (he is 13 too), but he has slowly made friends and is now asked to go over to friends houses to play (or whatever they do at 13), and has friends who come back here.

It has been a long time coming though, and whilst he will he breaks my heart saying 'I'd rather be cool than clever'; he is learning a valuable lesson about having to adjust to fit in with others, whilst remaining true to himself. He is also learning that if he lets down his barriers and makes an effort, then people respond.

It's really hard watching him do this as like you I am really proud of my lad; and want to thump those that hurt him with thoughtless comments. It will come in time, and you just have to keep reinforcing the positive about who he is, and what his great qualities are.

[Winetimeisfinetime]

Your ds sounds absolutely lovely mummyflood. My ds, who is 14, is probably a bit like him except that he really enjoys online gaming and feels part of the online gaming community and feels he has a lot of friends amongst it { and has luckily so far not really had any weirdos to deal with }. If your ds ever got interested in gaming my ds would always be happy to play with him.

I do think though that some people have certain times in their life where they are a comfortable fit iyswim. For instance my dh was born middleaged and wasn't particularly good at being a child but has really blossomed the older he gets. I can see that my ds will probably do the same as he gets older. It is also probably the case that your ds also hasn't found his niche yet and that he will find that he will meet more likeminded people when he leaves school.

Your description paints a picture of a lovely boy who just isn't meeting people that have the insight to appreciate all of his good qualities but that he will be appreciated when he is in a different environment.

It is a worry, I know and I can't offer much practical help more than you are already doing, but I'm sure his time will come and he will end up having so many potential friends he'll have to beat them off with a stick !

[mummyflood]

Many thanks again. Lots to think about. Winetime, love your description of your DH. This really struck a chord. DS2 is also quite 'middle aged' really! He talks a lot about things like 'when I am older and I have a wife, she must like dogs as I would like to have two' (dogs, not wives, I assume ), and he often tells me that he thinks about his future and what he will be like, etc. (sensitive, deep thinker!)

I feel a bit more philosophical now, and whilst not wishing his life away, I can see I must probably start seeing past this stage a bit more!

xxMFxx