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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Manhandled 12 yo daughter last night

55 replies

LovesTents · 14/11/2008 10:13

It's so hard sometimes to know if you have done the right thing -grrr.

Yesterday evevning 12 yo dd was being quite stroppy, she was watching a video in the playroom and was asked to pull over the curtain ,she gave out about this and wouldn't do it, then she kicked the coffe table out of the way when she eventually got up to do it.

This just drove me mad and I told her to go to her room, anyway, I ended manhandling her up to the bedroom and she hit me about the head quite hard while I was doing it.

I was really upset and shocked over this and I just don't know what to do about it. I don't think I was being too rough when I was trying to get her to go to upstairs , I just didn't know what else to do to get her up there.
Although when I got her to her room I did push her onto the bed as I was so annoyed about her hitting me and she started screaming like a banshee, I'm sure if anyone heard they would have thought she was being murdered.

I feel bad that I manhandled her. What do you do though ? Should I just have left her and let her get her own way - I felt that I couldn't do that.Her slapping me has really got to me though ,although I also think she is getting too old to be physically moved about like I would with my 5yo.

OP posts:

Report

PuzzleRocks · 14/11/2008 10:27

Sorry to hear you are having a tricky time. Can't help but bumping for you.

purpleduck · 14/11/2008 10:34

I would apologise for manhandling her. Other than that I really don't know -my kids aren't that age yet, and I am hoping that I will find some new un-tapped reserve of patience to deal with all the teenager stuff

Good Luck

laidbackinengland · 14/11/2008 10:41

Agree, would apologise for manhandling her and request that she apologise to you for hitting you. Would some other sanctions work for bad behaviour.... losing right to watch tv/being grounded/pocket money etc ? Having to manhandle her to her room might get a little stressful !

Tortington · 14/11/2008 10:44

sounds like a precotious little brat, i dont think you did ANYTHING wrong.

i really dont and i wouldnt apologise. however i would expect an apology from her.

Tortington · 14/11/2008 10:46

they need from you first.

mum can ihave money for...

mum can i have a lift to...

i would freeze her out. seriously.
emember that you have a position ofpower - you are mother, mother is the gretest potion of poer ever.

just by virtue of being who you are.

don't elevate her status by stepping of your pedestal and trying to make yourself her equal.

she will come to you first, guarentee it

snowleopard · 14/11/2008 10:50

Yes mutual apology and IMO she needs to know that if she behaves like that there will be consequences, eg telly is taken away for x number of days, no ifs no buts. Then you can give one warning, follow through immediately if necessary, and have it all done and dusted without having to lose it.

I speak as former childcarer NOT a mother though (my DS is younger), and I know it's much harder not to get worked up with your own child. Don't feel bad - she was driving you bananas and it went tits up, put it behind you.

TheSweetLittleBunny · 14/11/2008 10:55

I think she should apologise for hitting you. That was wrong. I am not clear as the level of "manhandling" you employed. I think you were right to send her to her room though. If you feel you used unreasonable force on her, then apologise, for stepping over that particular boundary, but not for being cross at her refusal to repect your wishes.

DumbledoresGirl · 14/11/2008 11:04

I don't think you need to apologise for manhandling her. She needs to grow up. I have a 12 yo son who is beginning to show signs of this sort of defiance. I can shout very effectively so have not needed to manhandle him yet but I will if I have to and don't feel the need to apologise for it.

You need to be firm. She needs to know her boundaries just as a toddler does and if she can't behave, she needs to be punished.

LovesTents · 14/11/2008 11:44

Thanks for the replies, I know I need to be really firm with her , she is a very strong personality , has been so since she was little and we've often had a battle of wills.

I don't think I was too forceful getting her to go upstairs and I had given her the chance to go up herself already , but I would obviously prefer not to have to resort to doing this.

Thanks for the votes of confidence on what I did, as I was feeling pretty shitty about it.I just don't want to get into this situation with her too many times, she is so effin stroppy it can all go arse up so easily.I cannot put up with her slapping me though , I feel it is so disrespectful and I feel really disgusted with her.

I'll have to sit her down later on and have a talk, it won't be easy though, she was in a big sulk this morning and I think she plans on carrying on with it later - yipee

OP posts:

AuntEm · 14/11/2008 11:47

Agree with you lovestents, that 12 is getting too old for manhandling, which is why I've stopped trying to send dd to her room. I can't physically make her. DH can by being shouty and physically intimidating but I'm not really happy with this either.
But you're right she shouldn't be allowed to get away with being so bratty. Don't feel guilty, you'll work out a strategy for next time it happens (and then if you're like me it will all go out of the window in the heat of the moment).

LovesTents · 14/11/2008 13:24

What do you do if you don't send her to her room AuntEm? My dd wouldn't give me the remote control and I had to wrestle it off of her , god she is such a brat. This is worse than toddlerhood.

OP posts:

Tortington · 14/11/2008 13:27

my dd is 15 i can physically make her.

Tortington · 14/11/2008 13:28

see i would wait until she is out then i wold take batteries out of remote

Tortington · 14/11/2008 13:29

its about asserting alpha femaledom of the house.

so for instance i wouldnt fixate ont he remote. and would say - you have something of mine. or something of yours goes in the bin.

Sparks · 14/11/2008 13:31

Don't bother trying to get the remote, unplug the TV. I have done this when my dd wouldn't listen.

Tortington · 14/11/2008 13:33

i got scissors and cut all plugs of ds's tv, playstation, stereo - phone charger.

i just walked in and snip snip snip snip.

and walked out.

Kbear · 14/11/2008 13:41

custy - you are THE LAW

hats off to you

parents have to be in charge or the world is going to go madder than it already has.

AuntEm · 14/11/2008 13:42

No lifts / no sleepovers / no internet / no pocket money / confiscate ipod? Have one up your sleeve for moments like this, AND STICK TO IT.

Tortington · 14/11/2008 13:46

i don't mind shouting - what drives me mad....eye rolling.

i want to strangle a puppy - it makes me so mad

Kbear · 14/11/2008 13:46

Make sure she knows how her behaviour affects everyone in the house too - a simple request from you and her kicking off makes you angry and that affects everyone - this will not be tolerated so if she wants to stay in her room with no DS or Ipod or whatever she loves, she can, she will not be included in the family until her behaviour comes up to scratch.

We've got to get tough people.

AuntEm · 14/11/2008 13:52

What's that? Behaviour affecting other people? Unknown concept on planet teen. IME.

DumbledoresGirl · 14/11/2008 14:00

Exactly why they need to be told then AuntEm.

I am glad to read a thread which has not degenerated into how dreadful the OP is for using physical force. I totally agree that, unless we are in charge of our children, society is going to slip further into chaos.

AuntEm · 14/11/2008 14:05

completely agree, DG

LovesTents · 14/11/2008 14:05

I will have to try and think logically when she does these things , it's so easy to freak out. I turned off the tv whe she wouldn't give me the remote but 10yo was watching it too , then the manhandling upstairs happened.

Oh I found a note in her room that she had written for me and then tore up - quite funny - saying how she will not tolerate injustice!

Custardo - you are scary

Will have to take a leaf out of your book. Get what you mean about alpha female-hood , she is so trying to throw her weight around, it's so flippin annoying.

OP posts:

snowleopard · 14/11/2008 14:14

I agree physical force - as opposed to violence - is not always a terrible thing. (was very shocked to hear all that stuff recently about how teachers can't use it - madness). But as a child grows up, it can't be the bottom line because it could get unmanageable and impossible. The logical conclusion is that eventually your child could pull a knife on you and you'd have nowhere to go. (Not that most would of course, but if physical force is ultimately all you've got, you lay yourself open to extremes. Extremes did happen in my family growing up, mainly involving my sister, and it wasn't a pretty sight - stuff being thrown, windows smashed etc., people dragging each other around... not a good scene )

Agree with Custy if it's your house and your stuff, you hold the strings and can control what they can and can't have. Adolescents/teenagers really want stuff/money/internet and TV and you can use that.

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