How would you handle this?

[PrettyCandles]

Parents offer their 16yo dd a generous (but not ridiculously generous) allowance of several hundred pounds per month. They will continue to look after all costs associated with school and family, but she will be responsible for controlling her own budget and spending on travel, clothes, entertainment etc out of the allowance. They offer it as a gift/reward, not as a brush-off.

The 16yo refuses because the idea frightens her.

What would you do? How do you respond?

[MaryHinge]

I'm lol at several hundred pounds not being ridiculously generous TBH but there you go...

If she's frightened at the idea then I would say it probably is too much. Perhaps they should lessen the budget, make clear what it's to cover, entertainment, phone etc. Then introduce more money and give her more responsibilty for it over the next couple of years.

[juuule]

"Several hundred pounds a month"?! "not ridiculously generous"?! Wow!!!

Agree with MaryHinge advice.

[mumeeee]

Several hundred pounds a month is far to much for a 16 year old. DD3 gets £30 a month and she pays for clothes ,going out and her mobile phone with this. We do pay for youth club trips and any school stuff and any family outings,.
She sometimes gets extra noney from MIL.
I know she would find an allowence of several hundred pounds a momth far to mmuch to handle.

[milknosugar]

i would be v worried about what a 16yo could find to spend that amount on. not sure what bit frightens her. does she think its not enough or waaaaaay too much like i do?

do you think her parents would adopt me?

[PrettyCandles]

OK, 'several' not a good word! I wasn't sure of the amount, thought it might be £100-£200.

OTOH, £30 per month seems very little to me to cover everything. This is in London - I suppose that would make a difference?

My eldest is still in infant school, so I have no idea what's usual for a teenager.

[MaryHinge]

I think giving her that much is not going to encourage her to earn for herself. My ds2 gets £10 a week for his college expenses and I pay for his bus pass. Anything else he earns himself.

[nervousal]

perhaps still set her a budget, set the money aside and use it to pay for her other bits and pieces - any left over then bank for her? Maybe giving her all this responsibility at once is a bit scary?

[PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife]

It was decades a while ago, but when I started uni my dad gave me $50 a month (now about £25) to cover my clothes and ... transport, iirc.

THEN he hired me, and suddenly I had to pay for a lot more

[mumblechum]

It's not, imo, healthy to chuck a couple of hundred pounds per month at a 16yo.

Let her get a Saturday job and she can buy her own drugs.

Sorry, but it's waaaay too much.

[Barnical]

I would lessen the budget. It would make it less frightening for her for a start. If she needed more a part time job would give her confidence, show her the value earning money and money as a whole. It would also give her more confidence and sense of achievement and knowing how hard she worked for the money she may jolly well make budgeting choices better.

Ds1 (13) has a £45 pound budget per month. Out of that he pays for his phone, travel if he wants to go into town etc, his home clothes and deodrants type things..and any nice things he may want.

It is a small amount to do a lot with.. but he has already become very wise about what he saves for, how he spends the money.. and a great clothes shopper to boot. ( often looking for online bargains and in store sales.. instead of just going for the highest priced brand off the peg).
The budget will stay the same for him from now.. if he needs more money then he will have to get a job.

It doesn't seem that uncommon for teens to get frightened by the big step to adulthood.. so I would suggest to ask her what amount of money she thinks she needs for her personal out goings and agree that if she needs more she needs a job. This will hopefully show her that it isn't that frightening to start looking after herself, and by thinking about the amount that she really needs, point out that she has already started the first step.

[savoycabbage]

I would talk to her in more detail about what she would be spending the money on EG you will need £x for travel for the month and £x for shampoo and £x for birthday presents etc and then the amount that is left over will need to last for four weeks (or five) so you will have about so much a week.

You could say that you could try it for a month to see what happens.

[mankymummy]

well i dont think they can expect her to handle that amount of money on her own without some guidance.

They need to sit down with her and do a budget. I think its a good thing that she's going to be taking responsibility for her spending but TBH i think its an awful lot of money, personally i would make sure DCs had to "earn" some of it.

She seems very adult knowing her limitations and refusing, a lot of kids would just take the money and blow it all.

Not sure why you would want to give a child that young so much money without any support on how she manages it.

[BagelBird]

Would have scared me too. In fact I remember my folks doing a similar thing (less cash!) and me asking them to stop doing it as it worried me too much! I hated having to worry about what I could afford and not afford. Suddenly my mum did not need to come to town with me to choose a top as she was not paying - for all my moaning about her tagging along half the time, the thought of her not being around was horrible. Good to go out with your mates to shop, but sometimes only a mum and her nagging/outdated opinions will do

[PrettyCandles]

So you think it was reasonable for her to be frightened, and that the parents should have dealt with it by reducing the allowance and giving her guidance on how to budget?

What they actually did was to just revert to the previous 'system': they continued buying everything for her and gave her a small amount of pocket money per week. Which has never seemed quite right to me.

[mankymummy]

I do think its understandable she was frightened. If she's THAT frightened why not let her carry on as normal for a bit but together parents and child write down what is spent on her per week, itemised out.

Then she can look at it and work out what she needs to put aside for when she takes over.

I think its important kids understand the value of money early on...

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think they'd be silly to give her that amount a month. I think pocket money each week is FINE - and if she wants more, she can get a part time job to fund it. I don't think it would be doing her any favours just to give her an allowance.

[Nigellapleasecomedinewithme]

Why not commit a regular amount to a high interest savings account and save for Uni / driving lessons etc and then set a 'reasonable' living budget from the rest. There are tax rules and giving money from grandparents like this is a good idea - but there are limits that you / they may need to check for tax liabilities - I 'think' its about £4k a year but please check it out.

[charitygirl]

I'm 30 now, and when I was 14 my parents initiated £140 a month to cover everything other than costs associated with school, family holidays etc, and board and lodging obviously!

Everything else i had to budget and pay for - I was not and am not the most organised person but I really liked it and bought clothes of unsurpassed grimness but which I loved, birthdaty and Xmas pressies for friends and families.

I do think it made me better prepared for university a few years later, and certainly must have saved my parents some earache. I'm sure that I did buy underage booze out of it too, but they know their daughter and whether she is likely to spend foolishly/dangerously.

The 'scared' thing - part of me wonders if she prefers tapping her parents as and when she needs something - highly possible that they end up spending more that way! But if it is the responsibility then I do think she is old enough to get over that - but parents should sit her down and budget her normal monthly expenditure with her - then they will know what a realistic amount and she will learn valuable skills.

[mumeeee]

Yes I think it was reasonable for her to be scared and her parents should have reduced the allowence and given her some guidance. Itis not good for her if they just cary on buying for everything for her. With all 3 of my DDs westarted giveing them an allowence when they went into year 10 ( about 14.5) which they had to use for various things eg clothes and make up. DD3 is 16 and has just finished her GCSE's and like her sisters before we are encouraging her to start looking for a Saturday job and once she has a job her allowence will be stopped although we will cary on paying for all college stuff.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

what about a little saturday job, surely that will teach her how to manage her earnings and learn about real life in the process.

[PrettyCandles]

I'm fairly certain she wasn't 'tapping' her parents, they are a fairly relaxed family when it comes to money. Relaxed in the sense that money is 'family money', rather than 'mine' or 'his' etc.

She couldn't put her finger on what it was that frightened her about the allowance, but I think you lot are right, it was probably the size of the sum and the responsibility. The sense of having to grow up very quickly in order to deal with it.

Food for thought, thanks ladies. And a lesson for me in how I deal with my children in the future.