Any tips for a mum at her whitts end!?!

[charlotte121]

Im writing this on behalf of my mum. My younger sister is basicly out of control! She comes and goes as she pleases, hangs around with the complete wrong crowd, sleeps with whoever she pleases, has been thrown out of school, steals money out of my mums purse, speaks to any authority figure like dirt.... the list is endless and shes only 15. My mum can not handle her bahviour anymore but doesnt know ehere to turn as social services dont seem to be interested in any giving any support. she is getting worse and worse by the day and our fear is that it wont be long untill she is either taking drugs or is pregnant. My mum is on her own as my dad died many years ago (younger sis was 3 at the time and has no memories of him) she wont talk to anyone about her fealings and is forever telling family members she hates them etc. My mum has just got over lukimia and has just found out she has cancer so really doesnt need the stress. I however dont like to intervene in the situation as i am heavely pregnant and know my sister will lash out regardless of this. does anyone have any sujestions or are in a simialr situation? Im so worried about my mums health and the problem only seems to be getting worse!

[eenybeeny]

I am sorry. I dont know what to say but didnt want your post to go unnoticed. SS SHOULD be able to do something I would have thought - Is there a reason your sister is so angry? Try citixens advice as well.

[eenybeeny]

sorry citiZens

[Swedes]

Sorry to hear your story. My first thought is that probably your sister is upset and angry about your mum being ill. Where do you live - vaguely?

[PeaGreene]

How do you mean that social services aren't interested? Given that she's been thrown out of school, they really should be involved.
You're in an difficult situation and your mum really isn't able to do much given her illness. Is there anyone else in the family who can help out? Seems like someone needs to be working on your sister's behalf to really push SS for some support. There are various charities and agencies who give support to young people in this situation.

[charlotte121]

We live in bristol. My sister got signed off of school for being depressed although sometimes i think they did it to take some of the preassure off my mum as she was being threatened with court action as my sister wouldnt go to school.
she has been quite angry for some time now. I know that she is angry with my mum and feels like my mum doesnt care but she never seems to see all of the things that my mum does for her... which is a lot!
I think sometimes my mum tries to over compensate this and does too much for her. I just think my mum is literally giving up the will to live with all the stress. And not to b selfish but i need my mum. shes so preocupied with my sister when sometimes i need a little help!
my mum is so desperate she is looking into "brat camps" in america because she doesnt know what else to do. we have tried to get people to talk to her but she wont listen to them or will just be totally abbusive!

[themoon66]

Charlotte how old are you? Do you have a partner to help you, so you don't have to rely so much on your mum?

What a terrible time your poor family are going through

Would your sister go to her GP and get a referral to psychiatric service so she could maybe get counselling or something?

[Tortington]

try parentline

in themselves not much help i find - however they may be able to put you in touch with specialist organisations in your area.

if you think she is haVING SEX OR IS LIKLEY TO - GET AN IMPLANT or injection

[mumonthenet]

charlotte, so sorry to hear this. Has your sister always been difficult? Can you link this behaviour to anything that's happened? As someone said above, is it linked to your mum's illness?

Sorry not to be much help but keep talking on here. You need support too!

Is this website any use? go here

[charlotte121]

We live in bristol. My sister got signed off of school for being depressed although sometimes i think they did it to take some of the preassure off my mum as she was being threatened with court action as my sister wouldnt go to school.
she has been quite angry for some time now. I know that she is angry with my mum and feels like my mum doesnt care but she never seems to see all of the things that my mum does for her... which is a lot!
I think sometimes my mum tries to over compensate this and does too much for her. I just think my mum is literally giving up the will to live with all the stress. And not to b selfish but i need my mum. shes so preocupied with my sister when sometimes i need a little help!
my mum is so desperate she is looking into "brat camps" in america because she doesnt know what else to do. we have tried to get people to talk to her but she wont listen to them or will just be totally abbusive!

[charlotte121]

ok somehow managed to post the same thing again but ages later.... how weird

[charlotte121]

ok somehow managed to post the same thing again but ages later.... how weird

[charlotte121]

sorry i think my computer maybe broken. I am 20, Im not with my partner anymore he doesnt support me and my kids much. My sister does have ADHD but i think the problem runs far deeper than that. she has been to CHAMS or whatever its called but tbh it wasnt much help. I dont think she could really relate to the counciler. I think she is being refered to a new one but it will only work if she will let it. she is very troubled. On the side of contraception my mum is kinda caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. if she gives her condoms or puts her on the pill its akmost like shes condoning it. I wouldnt recomend the pill either as i was taking it religiously everyday and still managed to get pregnant.
I do also feel sorry for my sister as she is wasting her life and her tllents. she is going to end up with no qualifications and will end up in a job she hates. She always critocizes me for having kids young but im half way through a uni degree, she doesnt even have GCSE's yet. I just dont want her to regret how she was in the future coz pesimism isnt going to help at all.

[mumonthenet]

Is there anyone in the family who she will listen to?

Can you write her a letter telling her what you feel and that you love her?

[hls]

as much as you want to help, this is not your problem, and you need to step back.

If your sister has been expelled, then she should be found a place at another school- she is not old enough to leave school. Your mum should follow that up.

Your mum's priority is to look after herself- if she has cancer, then she needs all the support she can get. Unfortunately, your sister is going to have to sort out this mess for herself. If she doesn't want to be helped, then no-one can do anything.

I know it will be hard for you to step back, but that's what you should do- tell her you are there for her if she wants, but otherwise leave her alone. Focus on your own needs- you sound as if you have alot on your plate with kid(s) of your own and you're only 20 !

Maybe she like all the attention of people fussing over her?

[charlotte121]

I do find it hard to step back... when my mum had lukimia I was basicly mum to my little sister so i want to make things right. She has a private tutor that she see's about twice a week but she is due to do her GCSE's next year and i dont see how she is going to pass any of them the way she is going. Feel guilty that I had such a good education as my mum sent me to a private school but there wasnt enough money for my younger sis to go so she went to the local state school. Cant help feel if she had had the same strict education that i had had then she wouldnt been messing around the way she is. Dont really think there is anyone she will listen to. she seems to think she is right about everything and will argue the sky is yellow just to b akward.
Im not sue if she likes the attention... i find her very difficult to be around as she speaks to my mum like a piece of dirt and it really bothers me. She can be quite violent as well and i worry that now im not living at home there is no1 to look out for my mum.
my mum rang me in floods of tears last night because yoiunger sis had stayed out all night again and refused to come home. When she rang her mob she was abbusive and was showing off in front of the group of people she was hanging out with and then turned her phone off so that my mum couldnt find out where she was etc. my mum rang the police and they wernt interested as they said she had been incontact with her so she wasnt missing and hadnt been abducted so they wouldnt do anything. x

[Blandmum]

OK, some ideas that might help.

Can you contact the school and see if they can sort out some alternative education ideads for your sister?

I'm thinking of extended work experience placements, possibly working with the local FE collage.

I've seen girls , very similar to your sister, who responded very positivly to this sort of thing.....working in a hair salon, for part of the time, while doing basic english and maths, and other vocational based stuff with the collage.

Sometimes a change of routine and place can be helpful to shake them out of the 'role' that they have created for themselves.

Re the pregnancy thing, echo what others have said, make sure she doesn't get PG with an inplant.

Look away the valuable, and withdraw money.....drugs don't come free and her mates will cut off the supply if she can't given them stuff in return.

But sympathy, it must be tough for you all

[hls]

I feel very sorry for you- you are her sister, not her mum. Your mum should not be putting you under pressure.

I think the hands-off approach is best- tell your sister that you care abut her, stop feeling guilty over your education for goodness sake! Many kids survive the state system- it's not to do with money.

YOU can't make sure she has an implant as contraception- that is HER choice.

She needs to grow up- she is rebelling and there is nothing anyone can do, unless she wants to stop. Let her find out the hard way and save your energy to support your own family and your mum.

[mumeeee]

Your sister is probably upset about your Mum, but doesn't know how to show it except by rebelling.
I would just tell your sister you love her and that your Mum does to.
Is it possible for you to talk to the school or social services and ask for some help.
You are a good sister don't feel guilty that you went to a private school and your sister went to a state school.

[stickybun]

Your sister should have a personal Adviser with Connexions shouldn't she? What are they doing/

[littlewoman]

Hi Charlotte. I sympathise with your mum. One of my daughters was like this for three or four years (aged 13-16ish) -drugs, sex, alcohol- she also used to cut herself and ended up in hospital for cutting her wrist badly.

Nobody helped me to cope with it at all, but I got all the blame for the things she did wrong (like being hauled into Asda cos she'd been shoplifting, and taken to court for her truancy, etc). It was a nightmare of a time.

When I talk to her about it now, she will tell me she was depressed and she felt very very unhappy. Talk to her about her feelings, and get your mum to do that too. Your mum is fighting a losing battle, putting her foot down about things she cannot control anyway. She is trying to control your sister like a child, when your sister is clearly behaving like an adult. Your mum needs to speak to her like a young adult. Saying, "okay I don't like that you have sex. It can ruin your life if you get an STD or get pregnant, but so long as you are sleeping with someone, shall we go to the doctor together and get an implant put in?"

I found this one of the most stressful periods of my life, so much so that my xh and I actually split up in the middle of it all. I went to a SPOT class (Supporting Parents of Teenagers) which was run by the local school. I used to call it my "you're a shit parent" class because I did feel like I had failed my daughter). Maybe your mum could find out if there is one locally? They were brilliant, and you don't feel so hopeless when you know other parents are going through it too.

Your sister needs a connexions counsellor too!

[hls]

littlewoman- surely the point is that her sister is NOT behaving like an adult? adults do tell their nearest and dearest where they are or when they'll be back. They try to treat people they care with with some respect.

I agree that parenting classes are a good idea- but for a mum who has cancer, it might be just too much to take on. But it's a good idea.

She could phone one of the many parenting support phone lines which might help.

[littlewoman]

She is behaving like an adult in some respects, but not in others. Wasn't really looking at it from the time-keeping point of view, more the sex bit really, hls.

I don't really have any tactical thoughts on how to treat the time-keeping issue, because I never really solved it with my own daughter. When we started getting on better, she just cut all that nonsense out, so it must have been her way of fighting me and it was a fight we both knew I couldn't win. It is true that it's disrespectful and un-adult not to tell people where you are or when you'll be back. But I was just looking at the bit that would be easiest to do something about, and which is a positive step forward (such as making sure she was on the pill / implant). This would demonstrate that she is being taken seriously as a developing adult. I suppose my idea was that some show of respect for her would lead to reciprocity on her part. Don't you think that would work?

[hls]

littlewoman- I don't know if that would work!

If someone is very rebellious, they usually want to do the exact opposite of what their parents want- so, trying to make her responsible for contraception, might not get the response the mum wants.

It is a very difficult situation. I think I'd be trying to show that I loved her and that I was always there for her. Many rebellious teenagers are very very insecure and push the boundaries to see how much their parents care.

And sometimes they have to learn by their mistakes- there is a limit to what a parent can do, other than be there to help pick up the pieces, if their child is set on self-destruct.

[charlotte121]

I think that she has finally been refered to a counciler. Been chatting things over with my mum as i do have some experiance in terms of psychology and we talked about all the symptoms my sister has and some of the possible reasons behind this and we think she may have something called ODD which is oppositional disruptive disorder.
littlewoman- your situation sounds quite simialer to that of my mums. she has been threatened with court action... even when she explained to the school that she had cancer. I think the parenting class might be a good idea as i think my mum feels very alone and everyone on the outside seems to blame her... if they could see what my sister is really like then im sure they would think twice. last night she kicked my mum and she went flying acrosss the living room, all becuase my mum wanted her mobile back... this was at 12 at night and my mum had to be up at 6 for work as she cant afford to give it up whilst she has her radiotherapy. she needed the phone for the alarm clock... also my sister has a very bad habbit of running up phone bills and my mums is a contract phone. She made £1500 of phone calls this ranged from the house phone her mobile phone and my mums mobile. Her phone was supposed to have a limit on it so she could only spend £30 a month but she somehow managed to get rid of it and when my mum found out and took the phone away from her she stole my mums credit card and registered it to her pay as you go phone. My mum only realised what had happened when she got her bank statement through... this is how bad it was, in one day she topped up £80 and this was happening on a regular basis! we have incurred a lot of debts becuase of it and no matter what we do to stop it she seems to find ways around call limits and codes on the house phone and still makes the bills. At one point my mum had the phone disconnected just so we couldnt get into anymore debt.
The problem with the implant is i dont think my sister would go for that. shes very private as far as things like that go... and theres another issue. her hygene. she is disgusting! this is a battle we have also had to fight for years. Once she got head lice and did nothing about it, didnt tell my mum and then other family member causght them and started questioning the source. Her hair was so badly infested with them but she wouldnt do anything about it. she wouldnt let anyyone help her try to get rid of them... she then stopped brushing her hair for a while and in the end my mum had to cut it all off for her. she did get rid of the nits but as a result now has very short hair and so walks around everywhere with her hood up. she hardly ever showers and her rooms stinks... i know teenagers rooms smell but i can only describe hers smelling like a hamster cage that hasnt been cleaned out for quite some time. My mum has tried things to encourage my sister to be more clean... like she said they could clear out her room one weekend and get the decorators in, but she couldnt be bothered to clean it. she covers up her body smells with rediculous amounts of perfume which choaks you if your anywhere near her. i just dont understand it really. theres nothing i like better than after a rubbish day to climb in the bath and relax but she simply wont clean. I think this maybe something else that is to do with her state of mind. she doesnt have much self worth or confidence and is pretty over weight. i would say she is about 5"4 and about a size 16/18.
went into a lot of personal detail there. I just feel ver sorry for her and the way she is. It would be lovely if we could get her an extended work experiance placement. I think it would do her a lot of good to work and understand how hard it is, but also i think it would help her self confidence and make her feel good about herself. but who is going to take her on in her present state??? thanks for all of ur advice ladies. keep it coming. I have passed some of the info onto my mum and she says thanks. she is glad she is not alone and feels perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. keep it coming. char x

[littlewoman]

Oh I feel so bad for you all, Charlotte. Half of me wanted to say 'don't bother loving her, smack her in the teeth', especially when you say she kicked your mum. Unbelievable. But my daughter (DD2, the one I had trouble with) punched me and pushed me over too. DD1 then punched her in the side of the head for punching me. It sounds sick, but we do tease her about it now, but at the time it was truly frightening and so upsetting to be treated like that. So many people just said to me 'send her to live with X,Y,Z', but how can you when it's your daughter, and she CLEARLY needs help, not rejection.

Don't worry about 'too much information', I like a good read You know, lack of self care is a classic sign of depression, too, but there's little you can do if she won't go to the doctor. It's so frustrating isn't it, because they don't seem to want to get better, they seem to like hating you.

Do you feel your mum always connected with you better? I always connected with my eldest daughter better than DD2. I had pnd and found it difficult to bond with her, and it didn't help that she wouldn't look me in the eye til she was about 2 months old. I always felt very guilty about this and have always denied her 'you love dd1 more than me' accusations. I don't think I loved DD more, I would hope not, but she was just easier to cope with. Different temperament, I suppose. Anyway, I don't know why I told you that, it's just a thought that I had. She may detect a closeness between you and your mum that she no longer hopes to penetrate, so instead justs satisfies herself with disrupting it, maybe?