I am the worst parent ever. Help me with my deliquent 16 yo PLEASE! I don't know what to do with him. (very long)

[evenhope]

I've just had a call from the mother of one of DS3's (16) friends asking if he is OK as he wasn't at all well when she brought him home at 2am this morning

I don't know this woman and felt very stupid explaining that I had no idea he was out. He spends most of his time downstairs playing runescape. He came into the livingroom at 7.30pm, asked what I was watching, made some remarks about what crap it was and left the room. He and DS2 (18) always go to bed after me. DH works nights. I took the baby up to bed at 9.30 and we went straight to sleep- she hasn't been well the last couple of days.

This is the latest in an escalating series of incidents with DS3 and I don't know what to do with him. Last summer he was excluded from school for stealing a guitar. I've been into school to see HOY a number of times. He's been on report and seeing the Learning Mentor.

Thought that was it, but in January get another call from school to say he's broken a computer. We get a bill for £95. He gets an internal exclusion. That should put paid to them accepting him for 6th form

DH seems to just let it go and leave me to sort him out. He says he's spoken to him (DS felt guilty enough after the computer incident to clean the kitchen every day for a week without prompting) but we don't seem to be around enough together to sort it out.

Before the computer incident I thought perhaps DS3 wasn't getting enough attention so took him to the pictures to see a film he wanted to see- just the 2 of us- and bought him ice-cream. He seemed to enjoy it- then off we go again.

DS2 said he happened to be in his class the other day and says he was messing about and answering the teacher back- "he's a right knobhead" was his comment

To make matters worse me and DH are going to NZ next week for 2 weeks (for 2 family weddings) and leaving the boys. I was worried enough about leaving them, but now? If he's like this when we are here what's he going to get up to when we are the other side of the world? DD (22) is coming home for the second week so they are only actually alone for 1 week.... We left them with the PIL once before when we went away and they brought them home early so they were on their own for 2 days and a night, so that's not a solution either.

DD moved out at 17, DS1 and DS2 have SEN. DS3 is our only NT DS so this could be "normal" teenage boy behaviour for all I know, but I'm stumped.

[colditz]

This isn't %good behavior, but I do think it is within the realms of Nomal.

But Jesus, don't leave him without supervision. I used to get up to all bloody sorts!

[sleepdeprivationandme]

You are not the wosrt parent ever. Its not an easy job being a mum, and you sound like you've got a lot on.

I do agree with coliditz though. I wouldnt leave him without supervision either.

[Hassled]

It does sound well within normal - testing boundaries, and the behaviour in class is possibly just that phase that boys, in particular, seem to go through of being completely disenchanted with learning.

My nice, sensible DS1 went on a school trip when he was 16 - at 7.30 a.m. he bought 4 cans of Stella from the train buffet and then lied about it to the teachers . And I'm sure there are worse horror stories out there - teenage boys just get up to stuff.

You obviously need to be well and truly on the case, and I really wouldn't leave them on their own for a week, but you seem pretty clued up and to be doing all the right things - keep up that one-to-one time and communication and one day you will realise you have a nice young man .

[Lazycow]

I don't have teenagers but from what I've seen of my niece and nephew and from what I rememebr of my sister as a teenager, this is as colditz says, within the bounds of normal. Tennagers can be very difficult and the worry obviously is that they can get into trouble very easily

I also agree that leaving him alone while you are away dosn't sound like a very good idea.

Is there any way that he can come with you?

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Ditto what the other's have said.

Certainly lots of attention seeking going on, isnt there? A great need to feel accepted (over and above average I think) by his peers.

Has the HOY come up with any long term plans or solutions?

[evenhope]

This is normal ?!

We can't take him with us. Not only can we really not afford to (we can't really afford to go ourselves), there's no way we'd get permission for him to miss 2 weeks of school in GCSE year..

HOY's solution was to put him on report and send him to the Learning Mentor. That was already in place before the computer incident

I'll have to have a word with DH about week 1 of the trip. I can't think of anyone who would have him.

[2shoesisabirdkiller]

most of it sounds pretty normal to me.
I would be concerned about him going out with out telling you though, and NO WAY would I leave a 16yr olad boy without adult supervision.(my ds is 16)

Put out a call for custy.

[Tortington]

i think its sheer stupidity to leave teenagers alone whilst you go on holiday - if you want to return to kids with a crimnal record, party house, fag burns in carpet - puke unerneath your duvet -been there for a week.

i have an 18ds - i am not leaving him whilst i go on holiday.

you need to lock the door and have the key near to you. in case of fire i presume you have adequate escape through windows.

alternatively you sould send them to bed at 10pm ( i do)

another suggestion is windchimes

hard to escape the front and back doors with dinga fucking ling everytime you open it - and you cant take it down without a racket either.

yes its pretty standard behaviour -its not like he is freak boy from hell - but i dont think this gives him a right to be a dickhead and you he excuse not to parent as best you can - which it sounds like you are doing - buy windchimes.

cut plug off puter

cancel runescape subscription.

make him get a job

[MrsTig]

custardo, do you hire yourself out as a hitwoman? Can I have a list of prices? If I pin it to the fridge it may bring my 15 yr old son into line.

[MrsTig]

evenhope, if you can't afford to take him with you and there's no alternative but to leave him, (a nightmare scenario which I could never countenance with my DS) you'll have to have a big row. If it were me, I would threaten him with whatever he's most afraid of and say that he has untilk you go toi prove himself. Otherwise, threaten to cancel your holiday and tell him that, if that happens, he's paying the cost. I've just done that with mine when the school threatened to take him out of his German trip and I had something arranged.He knows it would put paid to his WoW subscription permanently.

[evenhope]

Bit of an update. Left them with dire warnings that they should behave, and with the PILs dropping round unexpectedly on two days after school and ringing on the others. DD arrived after the first week and was here the rest of the time we were away.

House in one piece- no parties and only school missed one day with D&V, which DS1 rang school about and provided a note

Just been to parents evening. Not good news as usual. Capable of As and Bs but coursework Cs and Ds. Will probably fail English GCSE but will probably get Bs for Maths and Science.

I've tried ranting. I've tried the "disappointed" speech. I've tried to explain calmly how many doors he is closing (as clearly his lovely English teacher had too). He doesn't care. He thinks he might go to catering college and you only need D-G to get on the course . His art teacher told him it was hard work and not to bother but he knows it all.

DD told grandma that I had high expectations for the eldest 3 and they felt they couldn't let me down; but that I didn't for him (WTF?! That's why we oiked him out of his primary school to drive him 22 miles each way every day, so he'd get into grammar school!)

I feel my biggest problem is DH who wants to be all pally and matey with him instead of laying down the law... I just didn't want any of the kids to be like me & DH and leave school at 16 and spend their lives never having enough money for the bills and being permanently under stress

[mumeeee]

You are not the worst parent ever.It is fairly normal teenage behavior but a liitle bit over the top. But I would not leave him without supervision,16 is too young.

[2shoes]

evenhope glad it went ok.
god they are horrors arn't they. ds is just like that when it comes to school work. I feel like I am the only one who cares iynwim.
at the end of the day you can't "make" him do it. good luck.

[mumeeee]

Sorry I didn't se the date of the thread. I'm glad it all went all right for you. I think you were very brave leaving him we have not even left DD218 on her own yet.

[Miggsie]

..have you read "Zagazoo" by Quentin Blake?
It may give you hope.
I gave a copy to a lad for his 21st Birthday and he saw the funny side.

And your DS sounds like not particularly terrible normal teenage boy stuff...but he does need supervision because although he may think he is an adult all us gnarled and crusty old mums know he has a bit of learning about life still.
You are not a bad mum, there is no magic formula for coping with teenage boys!

Can he stay at a friends when you are in NZ?
Don't leave him on his own or he will probably do what my DH once did, ie hold a big party for his mates...they never found the living room door!!!!

[turquoise]

"I feel my biggest problem is DH who wants to be all pally and matey with him instead of laying down the law..."

I think you have to make him understand that you have both got to put on a united front right now, as parents. Your ds sounds a bit lost, and he needs a man to father him, not another mate.

[3littlefrogs]

He sounds normal.

16 yr olds are really hard work.

I would recommend letting him leave school with whatever GCSEs he can get - he won't be able to do A levels anyway if he gets poor grades at GCSE (in a grammar school anyway)

Suggest he gets a job. Ds1 spent a whole summer working as a painter and decorator, and spent almost a year working in a call centre. Talk about a reality check .... He was back into 6th form college at top speed, and is going to university this year. He is 19 and is just beginning to realise he doesn't know everything.

His 16 yr old brother, however, is just beginning to wind me up a little - but i can grit my teeth and comfort myself with the thought that it is a PHASE.............

[Blandmum]

Stop his pocket money. make him get a shit job that pays pennies and needs hard graft. Then he may wise up to the fact that he needs qualifiacyions if he wants a nicer job and the better things in life.

Make it clear to him that if he doesn't work you are not going to support 2 more years of idleness and that he will have to get a full time job

[MrsTig]

I have spent this evening trying to get my ds to finish his Stats coursework. He should have given it in today but it wasn't up to standard and he had loads more to do. I've cajoled him into working this evening but he's now overtired as a result of gaming all weekend and refusing to go to bed and now he expects me to put the internet on for him. I said no so he punched me. Now my dh and dd are actually holding on to him and trying to calm him down. I think it's time I left him to fail his sodding GCSEs and stopped trying to get him to work. I've had it with this! I've shut myself in my study and am sitting crying at my PC. Help!

[HonoriaGlossop]

oh my goodness MrsTig...I think I'd say exactly the same to you and evenhope and that is to step back from the pressuring about school work.

I think as parents you can support them (as in provide them with time and suitable space to do the work) but the actual work is between them and the school.

i think it's extremely hard for some teenagers to envisage WHY this matters to their future life. I think teenagers like that need to learn by experience and I think that one thing you can do is give them that chance - I mean, one chance to bugger up...if they don't sort the school situation, then you can pick up the pieces and support them while they try to sort things out, whether that's with work or going back to college for re-sits or to take a course that suits them.

I don't think you have to support them forever or if they're being layabouts - but I think everyone deserves a second chance.

I really do think you need to step back from that level of involvement in school work; home is home, school is school and it's MAINLY between the teachers and the pupil so long as the child is well aware that parents are supportive and interested in school and how they're doing

[lily2309]

Hi mrstig,

Have a good cry and maybe a stiff drink - I do know what you are going through and it is heart breaking but you musnt feel it is your fault you sound as though you are great parent. I remember how difficult it was to make my kids work particularly DD. The more I begged,pleaded, bribed the more she mucked around and made excuses.However I did find one thing that helped her work and that was having a friend around to study with her. I know it is not always possible - but you could try.

DD managed to struggle through her GCSEs and then A levels - she is now 21 and finishing at uni so there is light at the end of tunnel... I am sorry if this hasnt been of much help - but dont despair.