Help my sister be "trendy"

[MrsSnape]

My sister is extremely low on confidence and until lately she has never had any interest in fashion, personal hygiene or appearance etc...she is constantly a target for bullies. She is 14 in May.

Anyway she has recently said she wants to be more "Modern" in order to fit in but she's one of these people that looks at other people, tries to copy but always gets it wrong, she has been taking a "betty boop" bag to school with her because she saw another girl with one but she was laughed at and told people just "dont" use bags like that. She continued to take it to school anyway but has had another look around and has said "the others" take a kind of handbag to school, black with buckles and diamante studs or something...this sounds "very" unusual to me and I'm wondering if she's maybe seen a teacher with a bag like this and assumed it was trendy. I don't want her to make the same mistake again and said I'd help her find a school bag on thursday.

What bags do you DD's take to school and can anyone identify this "handbag" that she's seen? the way she described it made it sound like a middle aged woman would use it for shopping, not a 14 year old for school...

[DualCycloneCod]

oh god htis osudns a amrea tbh.
cant oyu go and suss? take her in hand

[DualCycloneCod]

river island bags
page 6

blakc £14 99?

[choosyfloosy]

sorry not to be able to help [too square]. hope you find a solution.

I think she may have run into an impossible problem - she has been 'labelled' as outside the group, and therefore even if she actually carries what would be the right bag for the in-girls, or wears the right shoes, she will be laughed at for trying to be part of the group when she is not 'allowed' to be.

I would focus on finding her another group, away from the school, to build her confidence - something she can be good at and can start over with a new group. But maybe that's a counsel of despair.

God, who would be 14 again, eh. sorry not to be more help.

[pointydog]

choosy makes good point. It can be be a waste of time trying to be trendy and get the right gear if a group takes pleasure in making her feel left out.

You can defiitley help her sort out the personal hygiene issue, get a good haircut, help her freshen up a bit without going straight out for the high fashion stuff. Can she focus on her interests and join a group?

[ShrinkingViolet]

according to DD1 (14) bags are a huge issue at school. Up until quite recently the "cool" girls all used Jane Norman bags, but that's died down and they haven't really found anything else so far to identify themselves with. The handbag-type girls are (to quote DD1) the "stupid ones who don't bother doing their homework, so obviously they don't need a big bag to carry stuff around in".
DD1 (who is most definately not cool ) has a couple of 60-style print cotton "shopper" bags from Peacocks which can fit A4 folders, and which the "popular girls" (by which I'm assuming she means the trendy ones, but not the 20-a-day, skirts so short you can see what they had for breakfast (thanks Gene Hunt for that one ), several inches of makeup "cool" ones) think are really nice.

[LadyOfWaffle]

When I was at school (only a few years ago so hope I am not totally out of touch!) what was "cool" for girls was over the shoulder black bags - for geeks it was backpacks or sachels - a big no no. Definatly try to go to "trendy" shops to get one - it won't be as bad for someone to have the same French Connection/River Island etc. bag as you than have the same bag from Tesco! What was coming into fashion as I was leaving was bag charms aswell, it could personlise her bag abit, but, that might be totally wrong now!

[sushistar]

Yeah, i reckon go to topshop - or maybe new look is more '14' iykwim, and help her choose. NOT from the sale either. Hopefully then whatever she gets will be vaguely ok. Your poor sis. I have to second the good haircut advice, and maybe a makeover? If she's allowed to wear makeup at school.

[colditz]

I know the sort of bag she means, but if she is the thoughtful gentle girl she comes across as in your message, she won't fit in with what we used to call "The White Jeans Whores"(and now refer to as "God, she's looking old now!") anyway.

Take her to the local clothes or bag shop, and ask the sales assistant what all the teenage girls have been buying.

I'd hate to be anywhere near 14 year olds as a peer, she has my heartfelt sympathy (and empathy, cos I never really got it right either)

[EffiePerine]

14 is a crap age. Agree that working on her general self-esteem a better plan than what sounds like a tarty bag - make-up lessons perhaps?

[colditz]

yes she needs a grooming kit more than a handbag, for hours of selfabsorbed fiddling in from of a mirror. Hairbrush, combs, bobbles, pins and clips, some nice basic make up (Rimmel?) and some VERY good concealer if she's spotty.

[Tortington]

i see the problem

she needs an identity

townie/chav
emo
goth
gemo
chemo
gomo

then she needs to be styled as such.

if you love your sister - you will spend more than £40 on a trendy hair cut - whcih involves a very subtle under dye of a weird colour - just a small strand or say purple or red

now, if done in a large chunk or as the whole underneath of the hair - she will be sent home

but a small strand visible now and again - bit risque- totally cool - like a mini "fuck u" but not really

am not shittin ya.

she needs to decide on an identity if she wants to fit in.

if she is an emo, gemo, goth, this requires lots of black eyeliner.

and i suspect if she diesnt fit in with the white jean whores ( love it!) that its bettre to be a trendy outcast than a wanna be but will never be.

if emo, gemo, goth - serious consieration needs to be given to shoes.

these should ideally be boots - black.

the bag should be an over the shoulder bag

with lots and lots and lots of small badges

carrying on with the "fuck u" theme some of these badges could have swear words in or dodgy sayings like "Jesus loves you but i think you're a c*nt" - just one or two dont go OTT

she also desperatley needs to go to a gig

and get kerrang magazine and gfall in love with the lead singer to 30 seconds from mars.

but hes mine first.

haircut

shoes

bag

socks with skulls on for pe

black eyeliner

[Tortington]

i she wants to be a chav or a townie then get her a proper haircut which involes a good cut and lots of highlights

lip gloss

nice smelly stuff.

shoes that hurt.

dont know about the bag - but think it will be well expensive

[colditz]

Jesus I have obnly spent £40 on my hair since 2006

)and sadly it shows)

[MrsSnape]

LOL what's Gemo?

I've love her to be into the emo/indie scene, I always was and it was easy to be "trendy"... just cut holes in your jeans, lots of eye liner and a copy of Kerrang and you were sorted.

My son is emo, or so he says...he recenly asked me for some Vans and I was like "sure son..." took him to find some and they were £50 a pair!

My sister is not a normal 14 year old though, she wouldn't wear any make-up, can't relate to any style of music as she just pretends to like whatever is in at the time (despite my best efforts to force feed her Kiss, Metallica and Bon Jovi as a baby) and she's extremely shy so would never go with the "fuck u theme" (I love that tho! )

Her hair is an impossible subject, my mum still does it for her as she refuses to do it. I once straightened it for her and styled it and as soon as I'd gone she brushed it back into the same style as it was "in her eyes".

She'd never dye it, never get a risky cut, she's very much a "bob and fringe" girl she's such a hard case to work on.

I would happily spend loads on cool clothes for her but she just wouldn't wear them.

[Ledodgy]

Custardo please can you tell me the difference between an Emo, Gemo and a Goth? I assume Emo is more indie and goth is more metal so is a gemo someone who's into both? If so I think I was a Gemo in my yoof.

[ShrinkingViolet]

although Custardo, if you want to carry off the emo/goth/whatever thing, you do need to be properly into it, otherwise you look like a wannabe
MrsSnape I'm getting the impression (and huge apologies if I'm wrong) of a lumpy, kind-of-spotty, middle-of-the-road academically girl? With nothign really you cna put your finger on and say "well, you're great at xxxxx"? (I was that girl, except I was geeky and wore glasses and didn;t realise when the cool girls were taking the piss). She needs a hobby/activity that she is good at (or really enjoys and can enthuse about) and he confidenc in that will carry over to everyday life (haircuts/washing/clothes from relatively trendy shops will help too!)
Does she have friends (as opposed to aquaintances)? Perhaps an activity outside of school where she can get away from the taking-the-mickey girls? Or is there someone else around who is also low on confidence who she could befriend and "help"?
IME it's not enough having the right accessories, it's having enought attitude to get you through the quite frankly horrendous teenage years. HUGE amounts of empathy

[MrsSnape]

Isnt emo a cross between goth and punk?

[ShrinkingViolet]

is her hair long enough to tie back? If so, the trendy style at DD1s school is to have a chunk from the front not tied back and dangling down the side of the face (drives me bonkers, btu them I've turned into my mother ). Then it's not a "risky haircut" , but is still "modern".

[Ledodgy]

God it's so hard to get it right isn't it? I remember the skaters used to get pissed off with people who dressed like them but didn't skate hence the 'If you don't skate don't wear our Fucking clothes' T-shirts.

I do think Emo is the way to go as it's more accessable asyou say but she will really need to swot up on the NME etc and know her stuff otherwise as SV says they'll think she's a wannabe and besides that willonly work if she actually likes the music otherwise she'll feellike an outsider anyway.

What abput suggesting she gets a Saturday job? That gave me loads of confidence and you meet a variety of people of all ages?

[MrsSnape]

sorry, crossed post.

I've written about her on here before but its a sad story really. She is obese but very tall too (around 5.8") so stands out like a sore thumb. She is also spotty with ginger (often greasy) hair. She walks with a limp and has suspected aspergers...as you can imagine, bullied are attracted to her like kids are to sweets.

Academically she is pretty much special needs on everything other than science which is is quite good at.

She has no friends, nobody to relate too, won't join clubs or anything...

I dont want to be so negative about her (please dont think I am out of spite) but she's one of these people that you just dont know how to help.

[Tortington]

i think the thing about the emo, goth, gemo thing is that these are various stages of goth severity really. and i think most accessories for emos can be gotten from claires.

i dont think that this section of schoolies rely o how expensive your skull badge was in order to fit in.

HOWEVER

this much depends on where in the country you live.

if we were back in Oldham - i bet my left tit that my daughter would be ponytail girl with two strands of hair on her face kinda townie/chav - bcuase anything else is not a statement - its suicde!

it works where we live and it is totally regional.

[MrsSnape]

I suggested she work volunatry at the RSPCA on a saturday like I did when I was her age...especially as she wants to go to animal college and work with animals when she leaves school but she wont "incase they bite".

[Tortington]

dunno then

[ShrinkingViolet]

hmm, I think I remmeber posts about this before. This is hard isn't it?
Right, what about some kind of sports club (will help with weight and with body confidence)? Or lessons in something? with possible Aspergers it's difficult becasue you have the potential co-ordination difficulties, as well as inter-personal stuff. Something solo, but as part of a club? (although by this age it tends to be by ability whcih isn;t going to help).
Best bet woudl be a friend to take her in hand - is that an option?

[MotherFunk]

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