16 yr old girls and alcohol - realistic advice needed

[hollybet]

My dd is 16 next week (gulp!) and wants a sleepover with 6 of her mates. The question is what to do about alcohol. We do allow dd to drink in social circumstances, ie if we go for a meal she would be allowed 2 alcopops, working on the theroy that if you bann it they will just try harder to do it in secret.
My first idea was to provide the alcohol and so I could control what they were srinking, been told that they will be bringing their own drink and other than searching them at the door, I don't know how I can stop this.
Second idea was to ring all the other parents and asking what their daughters wouild be bringing - I would appreciate it if another mother did this to me, but have been told that I can't do this as one of the girls is strictly forbidden alcohol - what the hell am I supposed to do about her because according to dd, she drinks more than any of them! Dd has informed me that "none of us are going to get that drunk that we will be sick", but we have all, who are older and wiser gone out with that intention and ended up throwing up.

so, I don't wnat to stop her having this and dp and I are staing in all night - albeit in another room - what would you do?

[hollyandlavenderwreath]

it's hard to know really, because if you remember what you were like at this age, did your parents have any control over what you drank when you went out...it's a lesson teenagers learn the only advice I can give you is ask about the sleepover, show an interest and maybe offer to buy here some drinks to take...say that I was young once and I know you will drink more than the odd one but just enjoy yourself...we can't tell our 16 year olds what to do unfortunately as they have minds of their own but we can become involved, show we care and be prepared to talk about this...the more we go on at them the more likely they are to rebel...just be cool and show an interest...

[OnZephyrstdayofXmas]

I thinkyou'll just have to let it happen. My sister is only 14 and doing the same thing!! I can't stop her and they are a;l doing it so I just basically tell her its ok as long as she is sensible and basically tell her what drinks to stay away from - seems to do the trick - she seems to respect that more than me trying to stop her.
I'm sure she will be fine :)

[TheHollyAndTheTwiglett]

I wouldn't let them have alcopops for a start .. wine / beer OK .. but alcopops tend to have higher alcohol in them

you could try to take over the alcohol provision for them .. suggest making a huge bowl of punch so that you know how much alcohol is in it? let dd help so she knows you aren't stiffing her .. but she'll probably tell you to butt out .. being 16 and all

sounds like you have responsible kids .. but they will drink

[bahhumbug]

My parents were very cool about alcohol and I now hardly drink at all - I never got into any trouble with it as a teenager either - 16's a reasonable age to loosen up about it I think, and your approach so far seems sensible. Not sure if that helps!

[OnZephyrstdayofXmas]

ooh thats a point actually twiglett - a lot of alcopops have what is known as 'industrial vodka' in them. They say that there is 1.5 shots per bottle but it's actually less than that of super strong industrial cheap vodka. (dp is a licencee thats where we get all the useless info from!!) Best to stick with 'brand' ones like Sm,irnoff Ice or Bacardi Breezers :)

[JanH]

Not sure how much help this will be, but when DD2 was just 15 she went to the 18th birthday party of one of DD1's friends - it was a meal at a restaurant out in the country a bit, and then a night out round town. She discovered she liked white wine, and by the time they dropped back into town to start the second half of the evening she was completely legless, had to be poured into bed and was very very very sick. It put her off booze for a long time.

I don't see what you can do, really, lilibet, except spend the evening with a glass to the wall of the next room and rush in, casually, if you hear things getting too raucous! At least it's just girls...I guess the guilty feeling about the one who isn't supposed to drink is the worst thing but I don't see what you can do about that - at least as they are staying over you can hope she won't smell like a wino when she gets home.

[FeastofStevenmom]

well - at least they are not clubbing in town, but are in a safe environment to get plastered. i would get some takeaway pizzas/nice nibbles in to encourage them to get a decent dinner down them before they start drinking. and leave a glass of water and paracetamol by dd's bed to take before she goes to bed!

[Cinderellascarrieg]

I hate to sound alarmist - but if one of the guests is forbidden alcohol by her parents - & you supply the booze - & then there's an accident or some other disaster, like the 'no booze' girl getting chucking up p*ssed - I'd've thought you could be in a REALLY awkward situation with the other parents.

I might be inclined to insist on ringing the other parents & discussing it, & if your dd doesn't like that idea, tough, no sleepover? Simply because it's not fair on you to put you in a situation where you could have someone else blaming you for THEIR dd's behaviour!

[bahhumbug]

Yes, that is an awful position re. the girl who's not allowed to drink. If you're going to call the parents you have to tell your dd first, otherwise you lose her trust ... It's true that you're taking an awful risk if you allow the girl to drink in the knowledge that she's not allowed to ...

[Santasluckylittlehelper]

If my daughter was going to a sleepover for a 16th birthday I would expect there to be drink (Ds1 is 16 so I have been here already!!) A parent who didn't think there would be would be very naive IMHO. The mum who doesn't want her daughter to drink must know this and if its a really strict rule then you would think she would call to confirm one way or the other. At the end of the day if you call it off they'll probably go and have a drink on a street corner and I know which I'd prefer my child to be doing.

That said it doesn't help your position hollybet........ put on plenty of food and hope for the best???

[vict17]

I thought it would be illegal for restaurants to serve someone under 18 with alcopops or any other alcohol for that matter?

[bahhumbug]

Good point vict, maybe it is up to the girl's parents to check - she is their responsibility I guess

[Santasluckylittlehelper]

Illegal yes, but the Yr11 girls at my son's school would pass for 21 when they're dolled up.

[vict17]

Think you misunderstood me - the initial post said she takes her dd to restaurants where they buy her alcopops - just thought the restaurant were walking on dodgy ground (and the parents)

[Cinderellascarrieg]

I completely agree that it's the naive 'our daughter doesn't drink' parents' responsibility to worry about her behaviour...just that in practical terms, as a veteran of many a residential school trip, parents who set this rule are liable to blame the nearest adult when they hear that their offspring ended up dialling the big white telephone!

Just don't think Hollybet should feel obliged to take that risk - I agree that it's the safest possible environment for a group of 16 year olds to have a few.

Re: booze in restaurants - 16 year olds are allowed beer, wine or cider with a meal.

[Tinker]

Think it's ok to have an alcoholic drink at 14 as long as you're having a meal.

Hmm, awkward about the non-drinker though...

[vict17]

oh right, sorry didn't know (wish my parents had known that when I was 16!!!)

[JanH]

Not in America though - found this out in a ski-ing article at the weekend - if you are eating out with even a 20-yr-old they can't have any alcohol at all - criminal offence for the parents!!!

(Irrelevant, sorry, just had to share the shock!)

[hollybet]

Well the sleepover was last night and was a total success from all points of view. The girl whose mother didn't allow her to drink didn't come, but soem lads who they fancy did (one just left - he was wearing shorts!!)there was lots of loud singing, all the drink went, but no one was sick, no one even appears to have a hangover this morning. All was more or less quiet by one o' clock. I have popped my head round the living room door and there seems to be no spills or damamge.

so - success all round

[lullabybaby]

My parents were relaxed about alcohol, I drink very little, never had a problem othh my brother had serious problems with alcoholism and died as a result. Same parents and parenting but two very different responses from their children.

[mumeeee]

The age you can have alcohol at restuarant when having a meal is 16 not 14 and then you hace to be with an adult.

[popsycal]

THIS IS FROM 2004.......

[rose1927]

They will probably sneek some in (been there done that)..Just be prepared to have to stay up, have a bucket, make a bed up beside you own and go round in the night to make sure they are all still alive... I did have a long chat to my daughter about unit size though she didnt actually know that a unit of vodka was not the same volume as a unit of beer....she was really poorly at about 15 and now does not drink.