Ok how would you handle this?

[veryworrried]

Have name changed for this as dd concerned knows my username

she is(16+9)and is really starting to worry me and I need advice.

She has always been a stay at home type girl, loves hip hop dancing (she dances in a troupe) It was her whole life. She started dance college in september and has met a whole new bunch of friends that i've not met.

Bit of background of incidents since:

Went to an after college dance class which ended in her being left alone in the middle of Elephant and castle in london at 11pm (we live way outside London and she has never even been there) Dp had to go and find her to bring her home. We didnt even know the class was there - she told us it was near her college which is 20 miles from London!

Another time she went to an under 18 event In south London with a friend. We got a panicky call at 10.30pm saying someone had been shot at inside this venue Again Dp went to get her - we had a talk about why she keeps going areas and places like this - that its not safe to be there (and especially at night alone)

This weekend caps it all for me: She said she was staying over a friends - I took the address and phone number ect. At three in the morning my mobile rings - its her number but when I answered I could hear heavy rap music (it was obvious she had rung in error) I listened for a while and then heard a DJ shouting the name of a club. I did a search on where this club was and its in london (and a really bad part of London).

Ive not said anything to her yet (she is still going along with the 'I stayed at my friends' story)

Now I know she is nearly 17 and I went clubbing and lied at that age so I know its normal but what worries me is she is hanging out in some really dodgy areas. The rap/gang culture seems to appeal to her and i'm scared. She is a young 16 iykwim? what would you do? How would you approach it? Am i right to be worried? TIA

[hereagain]

Wow this is a tough one isn't it! I would be so tempted to do the 'whilst you're living under my roof' thing and tighten the belt bigtime! Set curfews and check up on where she is going to be as she has lied and broken your trust.....However...she is nearly 17...and clamping down will probably cause her to rebel harder.

Maybe the sensible thing to do would be to sit her down (or take her for coffee) and talk to her like an adult. She's trying to act like one and going to some very grown up places, so I would let her know that you know she lied, but talk to her about why you are concerned. Try and get her understanding on the dangers that surround her and hope that she will not clam up, but talk to you like an adult about what the attraction is.

Maybe she could find that same attraction somewhere closer to home, or safer neighborhoods.

Would definitely NOT ignore this, but try to take the angle of why you're feeling this is so seriuos and concerning, rather than 'nagging parent trying to ruin her fun'.

[veryworrried]

Thank you here again. Your right it is tough. We always had quite a good relationship until she started college (but I half expected things to change a bit)

I was the same at her age with regards to the lying, staying out all night thing and I understand all that but I never went to these type of places back then as they were rough areas (I grew up in London). The incident with the gun scared the life out of me and its her safety that i'm obviously concerned about. How do you get them to see its dangerous? I just don't think the coffee thing will work if seeing and hearing a gun being fired didn't? I really thought at that time it taught her a lesson but sadly it seems it didn't.

[veryworrried]

Anyone?

[Lulah]

Have been there hun! DD now just 18 and i feel a relief actually that we got there ,stayed friends and she s managed to stay. Despite coming from a family of Police and haveing been made aware of dangers she still rebelled.
However I starting checking up on her and rang the 'friends' parents she was staying with ,i offered to pick up at 1am 2am, and a few times later and ensured she was safe . I booked known cabs there and back (expensive)in return for her honesty and help around the house.
I set houserules as we have 5 teens in our house and thankfully apart from being a little drunk on a very few occasions she is now old enough to go to these places and is actually quite turned off all the drunkeness, and even came home early because a few of her so called 'friends ' were doing weed and on one occasion were offered and accepted lines of coke.
These places she wnet underage and thought were so cool she now does nt go near.

I would say be inquisitive, be open,don t always believe ,stay friends and Never over re act they have to learn but need to keep themselves safe.

Its jolly hard work and i done it with two only 3 to go! Toddlers were easy compared to this, the sleepless nights never end!!!!!!
Good luck

[VVVQV]

I know nothing about handling teens of my own. But I'd say it's a good thing that she calls you when she's in trouble.

I suppose that's somewhere to start with it all.

[deste]

I would say that I doubt your daughter would have gone to the nightclub if she had known there was going to be a gun involved. Hopefully that should be a learning experience for her. If you start saying no she will resent you and be more determined to go to places like that.

[deste]

I forgot to say the postter above is right at least she knows she can call you if she is in trouble. You dont want to put her off doing that even though it can be a bit inconvenient.