Feel so disgusted and shocked at DS - just don't want to look him in the face.

(293 Posts)
StifflersMom Wed 13-Jun-07 15:32:14

DS is 14 - soon to be fifteen. I knew he had a bit of an on/off "thing" with a girl at school but was reasonably confident that nothing much had happened. He doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise outside of school as he is very involved with a particular sport and he also goes to school in a different town to where we live but occasionally, eg in half terms, he will make arrangements to go off on his own with his school friends for the day.

First let me say I am not a prudish mother, I do not vehemently disapprove of him having girlfriends and a bit of snogging etc as to what I personally feel is appropriate for a teenager of his age. I even feel glad that he is "fancied" and seems popular.

DS and I have not been getting on lately. I catch him out in lies and he has been giving DH and I a lot of attitude which I realise is all in keeping with the normal stuff parents of teens have to go through. However, its been worse lately; he's been rebelling big time over a treatment regime he has to follow for a medical condition and yesterday, in complete exasperation and anger I told him I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the day because I couldn't bear being spoken to with so little respect and apparent dislike.

When he was in bed and I was putting stuff away in his room I came across his phone and took it out and looked at it. I am not going to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs of that; I don't do it as rule and I realise that even 14 year olds deserve some privacy but I reserve the right to check out what it going on in his life in whatever way I can when I have concerns and we are not communicating well. He is after all, still a child.

I was shocked and horrified by what I found. Texts sent to this on/off girlfriend; REAL adult content, I mean really pornographic descriptions (again I must stress that I am not prudish about such things but I think there is a time for this and it is not at 14 years of age.) It described what he wanted to do to her in explicit detail and in words I really can't imagine him using. (I realise I am denial here, with the last statement, but sorry I just can't take that on board, that he would speak like that and then actively TELL her these things!)

I also found a short porno film, again full hardcore content but with all the sounds and close ups.

I hauled him out of bed, admitted I had looked at his phone and at what I had found. The colour drained out of his face immediately. He attempted a couple of different stories until I insisted that nothing other than the truth would suffice. He said his mates had got hold of his phone some days before he had sent the text and eventually he had sent it to her. But that they weren't his words.

I asked him if he had had sex. He denied it. I asked him if he was aware that having sex with a girl under 16 was a crime, that he (or WE!) could be prosectuted and that HE would be the only one really deemed to be in the wrong, as the male. He said yes but that he wasn't having sex.

I then cried (pathetically) and said I was disgusted and that I couldn't beleive he was either doing this stuff, or at the very least promising to by text, at 14. That 14 is very different to 16, 17 or 18 and that there will be a time in a few years when it really isn't my business but for now it is.

He was so stressed he threw up. Normally this would have appalled me; to upset him that much but it had no effect pn my last night. I just felt disgust and still do today.

He'll be home from school at 5.30 and I don't know how to deal with him. I couldn't speak to him this morning and I don't want to now or even look him in the face.

Biggest point here is I don't know what is/isn't the truth, what he is/isn't up to. He says it's only kissing and cuddling but would YOU believe that after a text like that? (You'll have to use your imagine; I can't bring myself say what it said but it involved much use of the word "p*ssy", f*ck, cock and tit w*nk, and what he wanted to do "all over her." ) (At 14 years old!!)

I am aware I may possibly be over reacting. But I can't help the way I feel. Please tell me what you think about how I should handle this.

By the way, DH was there and fully backed me up but I do feel that this is much less of a "big deal" for him. A "bloke thing" obviously.

Budababe Wed 13-Jun-07 15:37:34

Oh God - don't know what to say. My DS is only 5 - is this what I have to look forward to?

Huge sympathies. It;s one thing to imagine them kissing and cuddling but graphic language and scenes like that is another.

No advice but hopefully someone else will.

fryalot Wed 13-Jun-07 15:40:53

oh god!

He is growing up, he is experimenting. I suspect that nothing you can say will make any difference.

Buy him some condoms, give him "the talk", tell him to make bloody sure that he respects any girl he is with (and explain why what you saw on his phone is not respecting girls) and then I think all you can do is let him get on with it.

I know that's not what you want to hear, and probably someone will come along with much better advice, but that's what I think.

Good luck

StifflersMom Wed 13-Jun-07 15:42:32

Buy him some condoms? Oh sh*t! I don't think I could do it! I can see what you're saying and why.. but surely that's saying "Go on.. off you go and have under age sex.. and no doubt with under age girls.. with my blessing!!"

Mumpbump Wed 13-Jun-07 15:43:39

When I was at school, there were girls who were having sex at the age of 14. I'm afraid that it is inevitable and I think all you can do is ensure that they are well informed about safe sex and contraception. Perhaps the main message to try to get across is that sex is only one part of a relationship - porno tends to portray women as simply there to gratify men's sexual urges...

Cammelia Wed 13-Jun-07 15:48:27

If he is having sex there's not much you can say that will stop it, but he must use protection to prevent unwanted pregnancy for the girl. You must speak to him about that aspect of it.

Budababe Wed 13-Jun-07 15:48:36

I think you have to take a deep deep breath and realise that he is still your son after all and hopefully with the values you have imparted to him.

This is an opportunity for you both (and your DH too) to really sit down and talk to him. It's one thing giving the birds and bees chat (not looking forward to that one!) but now it gets more serious. I think I would be honest and tell him you were very shocked and disappointed. Yes he needs to know the legal ramifications but also the emotional ones. And how to respect girls. Mind you young lads will prob always find the girls that don't mind about being respected.

God it is a minefield isn't it. Babyhood is a doddle.

lilibet Wed 13-Jun-07 15:48:49

I agree with Squonk. It's very difficult, my eldest is jsut 14 and a while back found soem very 'soft' porn on his phone, basically 2 bare chested women kissing. I really laid the 'respecting women' bit on thick.

You can't stop him doing anything, as much as we would like to, but you can make sure that he is safe and well informed.

Oh to be on the potty training adn weaning threads!!

lulumama Wed 13-Jun-07 15:49:45

i think you need to bite the bullet..he is having sexual thoughts and conversations, and is watching porn...at the least he is talking about it, at most he is doing it......maybe buy the condoms and leave them in his room, in an obvious place

but i would try to talk about the whole respect thing

frumpygrumpy Wed 13-Jun-07 15:50:11

Sounds like you are shocked. And I would be too. BUT, at 14 I was losing my virginity. I felt much, much older.

I'm not getting into the rights and wrongs of underage sex (I can't change my experiences and wouldn't really want to, they all combine to make who I am now). My mum and I were/are close but sex was never discussed and I would have felt happiest if she has been able to put aside her embarrassment and discomfort and talk to me about it all.

You are losing your little boy and that is desperately hard. But it is inevitable and it is better that he goes through this with your support and understanding rather than feeling ashamed and embarrassed. It all sounds normal and fine to me really. 14 is not young.

I don't want to tell you what to do but my gut instinct is to be wholly truthful. Apologise for reading his phone and tell him you won't ever do it again (he does deserve that). Explain you were just shocked and astonished that he was at this stage in his life. Explain you find it hard to see him grow up. Let him understand that if he is going to have sex (and he will when he's ready and its better he's safe) then you want him to be fully aware of how to be safe about it.

I feel sad he was as upset as you say to be sick and I think he needs to know you still love him.

I hope I don't sound self righteous. I just remember 14 well.........

Sweetie, if he's going to have sex he will do it, no matter what. He's better off with protection, that way he protected against std's & unplanned pregnancies.

We were in a local cafe today & at the table beside us there were a group of 3 girls, all in school uniform. One poor girl seemed to be in a bit of a panic & her friends were reassuring her she would be fine, it's not the end of the world etc.. We smiled as it's exam time now & they looked like they had sat an exam.

She went to the toilet & left the cafe, her friends rushed after her... it wasn't until I was taking ds later that I saw a positive pregnancy test on the back of the toilet Poor girl

Peachy Wed 13-Jun-07 15:53:47

I'd provide them wotrh condoms and the telephone nyumber for the brooka dvisory clinic, tbh


underage sex- he is underage too and therefore unikely to face any issues until he is 16

BrothelSprouts Wed 13-Jun-07 15:54:01

What a shock for you.
I don't think that hauling him out of bed and getting him so stressed that he threw up is going to help with an open and frank discussion though. But that is obviously easy to say with the benefit of hindsight.
The words he used in the texts were unpleasant, but I imagine most teenagers use words that their parents wouldn't approve of.
He thought his texts would remain private - and whilst you need to discuss the pornography with him, I think you need to accept that he will be feeling defensive about the fact that you essentially spied on him.
I think it might be helpful if you firstly apologised to him for how you handled the situation, whilst making it clear that you find his behaviour unacceptable.
He does deserve his privacy, but perhaps he needs to get a job to pay for his own phone - he clearly feels like he's growing up, so maybe he is ready for some responsibility.
I think your DH may have some success in having a 'man to man' discussion about contraception.

Peachy Wed 13-Jun-07 15:55:22
StifflersMom Wed 13-Jun-07 15:58:01

He is seriously unlikely to get anyone pregnant. It is 97% certain (statistically re his medical condition) that he is infertile. I have spoken to him about not assuming that this make him ok to not use a condom.. or assume that he is "absolutely definitely" infertile.

I am going to have to talk to him again about this aren't I? And rationally. I can indeed apologise for looking at his phone but feel I can't promise I would never look at it again. Even if that does make me a bad mother.

At the moment his phone is confiscated. And all "bad" stuff deleted.

Peachy Wed 13-Jun-07 15:58:09

And it s 18-

he can be held rsponsible after the age of 10 but so can she (albeit for gross indecency rather than rape) but the big 14 year sentendinga nd all that starts at 18

Make him read the entire website, I would

harleyd Wed 13-Jun-07 15:58:14

cant you remember what 14yr old boys were like when you were at school? (and girls for that matter). my 12 yr old nephew has been caught with porn mags already and im pretty sure his little girlfriend, 13yo, is no angel either. im not saying its right, but its happening

happystory Wed 13-Jun-07 15:58:35

I sympathise. My ds is a little older and I know he's interested in girls and sex but it's really difficult to accept they are at that age. They really really really don't want you to know -just because it is sooooo embarrassing.
Like you, my dh just says 'He's 15, that's what 15 year old boys do'. He's not going to stop cos you say so, just hide it better.

Agree with all the others, just have the 'sensible' talk with him and try and forget it...

DaddyJ Wed 13-Jun-07 16:07:36

StifflersMom, somehow your MN name and your posts clash -
but at the same time give me an idea:

American Pie is rated 15. One more year and your ds will be able
to legally watch that movie which is brimming with sexual innuendo.

This is just the beginning, I am afraid!

--Thread hijack--
Budababe, szia! Hogy vagy?!!
God, I love that place!
Can we house-swap with you?
--Thread hijack over--

StifflersMom Wed 13-Jun-07 16:08:19

Sigh. What can't they just stay children for a bit longer?

He has literally become this "man/child" person over the space of a few months.

When he is ill he still sits on my lap! And at night he (discreetly) still sleeps with his "babbit"!

This, the same "child" who sent that explicit text!!

Cammelia Wed 13-Jun-07 16:10:02

But that's because they don't really understand the full politics of sex at that age. They just think its funny

StifflersMom Wed 13-Jun-07 16:11:15

J, yes it does doesn't it! Well this is what I am saying.. I am no prude, although certainly don't see myself as MILF either! SM is just the name I reserve for myself for a bit of anonymity.

Strange this is, I don't really have a issue with him watching those type of films.. I know he understands all that hunour and I'm fine with it.. I even appreciate being able to say more "rudish" jokey things in front of him now. But that's not the same as being ok with him sending explicit texts of having sex.. or at least thats the way I feel!

frumpygrumpy Wed 13-Jun-07 16:12:43

just another couple of thoughts. Sometimes using the words like pussy, cock etc is just because its the words he's most comfortable with. I still find it hard to say vagina with a straight face

Also, if he is ready to have sex with his girl then having sex for the first time with someone he cares about is sending him down the right path for having solid relationships, on and and all levels, with women his whole life through.

frumpygrumpy Wed 13-Jun-07 16:14:43

don't beat him up for this. He is changing and if you are there for him he will hopefully change into a man you will be very proud of.

noddyholder Wed 13-Jun-07 16:16:04

I think you are shocked at your little boy growing up and have over reacted.They all do this I think I know a really prim bot from a really quite posh family sent ds a text when they all first got phones and it called him a mother f*er and said he had sucked someones t**s They were about 12 and I doubt any of them had done these things but I was appalled and upset.My ds and his mates are obsessed with girls and sex and just about anything unpleasant in that dept It goes with the territory.I feel a bit sorry for him tbh he is probably mortified that his mum has seen this side of him.

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