Son lying to everyone - Advice needed

[VodkaKnockers]

I've been concerned for a few months about my son and today HD a look at his Facebook messages.

Really wish I hadn't.

Numerous messages to his friends saying he has tried to slash his wrists and spent last night in hospital. Total lie. Spent most of the night with us.

Messages to his friends saying that me and father are throwing him out for being bi sexual. Another lie. He's not bi sexual and knows full well that ifor that was the case we would have no issues with it.

Lots of other messages in the same vein.

Tried to speak to him about it and he just got aggressive and swore at me a lot. Says he will stop now but I think he's just saying that to avoid actually talking about it. Can't give any reasons for telling these lies.

Have tried to explain to him the seriousness of what he is doing but it's falling on deaf ears.

I don't know what to do.

Has anyone else ever had this situation?

[wannabestressfree]

Attention seeking?
I am not surprised he was aggressive when talking to you.... it's violating his privacy. Why did you look in the first place? I don't mean this in any way condemning I am just wondering.

[VodkaKnockers]

I have always checked his laptop. He knows I do this. I don't do this every night but every so often.

He was cyber bullied about 2yrs ago so I like to keep an eye on it.

He has only turned 14 so I don't think I am that out of order doing it. Seen too many stories in the press of horrible things happening to young teenagers who have been talking to strangers over the internet

[lifeisazebracrossing]

That's worrying and will likely eventually (if not already) be found out by friends who will be as angry at the lies as he is at being outed. I don't condone invasions of privacy but in this case it may well be a blessing. Better a parent discover this than his friends. I have seen teens deal with lying such as this and they hate it and aren't forgiving at all. Most dissolve the friendship.

I'd apologise for looking and have a calm chat about seeking help through an online chat resource such as a counsellor (unless he will accept a counsellor at school/privately - I suspect he won't). Writing the lies online probably makes it feel less real. Be prepared that this could be behaviour relating to a MH issue.

[missyB1]

Massive attention seeking, does he suffer from low self esteem? It sounds like he enjoys creating a bit of drama to get sympathy and get noticed. I think a bit of counselling wouldn't go amiss, but of course he may not be prepared to engage as he will be very embarrassed at being found out.
Try to talk to him again at another time when he's a bit calmed.

[VodkaKnockers]

I've tried to have a calm chat but he won't engage.

Tried to explain to him the consequences of his friends finding out but he just brushed it off.

MH is something I have considered. I will be contacting CAMHS and Barnardos on Monday

[lifeisazebracrossing]

Maybe it's too soon today - try again or send him a message online or write a note maybe. Forget consequences and just show you want to help him.

[thisismyfirsttime]

Are these friends he knows/ goes to school with or online friends? If they're friends he knows I'd imagine he'd quite quickly be found out and possibly ostracised. If they're online only friends I'd have a deeper look into his search history and see if he's part of any forums/ pages relating to self harm, suicide etc. I used to dabble in the pro ana sites years ago which sometimes led to self harm sites and there were lot of kids on there who were keen to fit in or find a group to be part of that weren't necessarily actively doing those things, but just wanted to be thinner or knew they'd get attention there and were 'part' of something.
Either way I wouldn't be apologising to him or even thinking you'd invaded his privacy somehow by checking what he was doing, he's proved you're right to check by the content you've found! Your job is to protect him and the internet can be a dark place.

[lljkk]

Lies are bad because they damage relationships (break trust).

So at least he lied to peers not to his parents.

This topic has come up before & teenage DD's strong advice was (Now that you know): he should come clean with his friends. Tell them the truth that he said that stuff because he thought they would think he was boring without a complicated story.

If he tells them, they will get why he did it, understand & forgive him if he's reasonably truthful with them going forward.

[NeverTalksToStrangers]

Being bisexual sounds like an odd thing to claim if there is no truth to it, especially if it was male friends he told. I realise the stuff about you kicking him out aren't true but there might be something to the rest of it?

[VodkaKnockers]

Thanks for your responses.

I have removed his laptop, at his agreement, for the foreseeable. Facebook has also been removed.

I've re-iterated to him I am not angry and just want to help. I think he understands but isn't really wanting to speak to me right now.

Re the bisexuality, one or two of his friends have come out recently and received a lot of attention, mostly supportive. I'm wondering if he has seen this as a way of getting attention and being part of the group.

I really don't know.

[swingofthings]

So it's all about attention which means that he clearly feels he is lacking it somewhere. Has he always expressed a particular need for it (different kids/adults have different need for it) or is it recent? Do you think it is more likely to be an issue with his friends or at home? If the issue is that he thinks he needs to be dramatic to have his friends' attention, there is a question about who he is being friend with. Are they new friends, or are his friends evolved in a way that your DS hasn't so he is trying to catch up with?

If at home, could it be a that a sibling is going through a difficult time and getting more attention and even though the issue is at home, he's given up on trying to get attention from you, so is defaulting with his friends?

There is definitely something going on so I would stop focusing on the consequences of his actions and spend more energy trying to understand what triggered the lies in the first place.