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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

My 17 year old is driving me nuts

12 replies

Worrying · 17/02/2007 23:53

Hi everyone. I've just joined tonight. I need some advice. My daughter is 17 this week. She has always been a good honest soul and she's always made me proud. I've been really easy going with her, I've allowed her lots of freedom as long as she's safe. I'm accused often by others of being overprotective but I don't think I am. Anyway, she has been allowed to go to pubs etc as long as I've picked her up, made sure she's safe etc. Recently she's been hanging around wih an older crowd and wants to stay out till all hours and it came to a head when she said she was staying away overnight after a concert, staying at Uni halls with a crowd of mates and I put my foot down. She didn't go but now she has take a stand that she wats me to butt out of controling her life.She's going to Uni this year in home town but is stll at school. I'm ow up half the night permanently, waiting for her to come home. She texts to tell me how and when she's getting home but I'm not sure how much longer we I can live like this. Anyone else going through the same?

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auntymandy · 18/02/2007 00:05

I think if she is telling you she is safe and what time she is home then thats good.

Staying over is difficult, if you dont know anyone she is staying with. But I think when she goes to Uni you will have to allow her her freedom. If she was in another city you wouldnt know half of what is going on!

And they think being a parent to a toddler is hard!!!!

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JanH · 18/02/2007 00:57

Is she your eldest, worrying? It is always much harder with and for the first child.

I agree with am that she is actually being very good about telling you where she is and what her plans are. Even if you can't sleep until she is home, it would be better for both of you if you could acknowledge her texts and then go to bed rather than waiting up and making her feel guilty.

She sounds like a lovely girl and you are right to be proud of her - I hope you will be able to give her a bit more space

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brimfull · 18/02/2007 01:13

I agree with the other replies.
She is atleast telling you how she is getting home ,guess you'll just need to trust her.She sounds very sensible and will be an adult away from home soon, so you do need to let her do her own thing before she leaves home as a kind of training ground.

My dd is 15,I have all this to come

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chenin · 18/02/2007 14:04

I have been and are going through this. My DD1 was 18 in January, last year at sixth form, off to Uni Sep/Oct.

I have found the last year or so incredibly hard but it has eased a bit lately. I think it is all part of the process of letting go. Last summer I was having THE most incredible rows with her... she would say she would be back at 11.30 and come home at 2am. I always knew where she was and who she was with and threatened many a time to come and get her in my nightdress.

It all changed when she got a steady boyfriend (now finished!) because I felt she was not so vulnerable and was being looked after (I liked him!). Now I know she is off in the Autumn to Uni, I have forced myself to let go somewhat. Its only a matter of months before she will stay out as long as she wants and do what she wants with whoever she wants to do it with. Its made me realise I have to just let go and let her get on with it!

As long as she treats the rest of the family with respect, she makes an effort to keep me informed as to where she is, I now let her do her own thing. If she is tired because she hasn't had enough sleep, or she has missed a meal ... its down to her. I cannot nanny her any longer. Since I made this conscious decision to let go a little, she has actually got a lot better and does get in at a reasonable time. She just seems to have 'grown up' a little bit in the last 6 months. I am just tired of sleepless nights waiting for her to come in, imagining the worst etc.

I hope it works out for you.... give it 6 months or so and I'm sure it will!

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colditz · 18/02/2007 14:13

She's old enough to get married and have a baby, I do think you need to butt out.

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colditz · 18/02/2007 14:14

Didn't mean that to sound so harsh, sorry.

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colditz · 18/02/2007 14:16

But seriously, you can put your foot down all you want, it won't make her listen to you. She knows you have no way of making her do what you want her to do.

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grannycrackers · 18/02/2007 14:32

i agree with the other replies too. she's nearly an adult and the best you can do is to be there for her when she needs you and try not to judge. hth

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chenin · 18/02/2007 15:16

I agree with the OP... I would have worried to let my DD1 at only 16... 17 next week age go to Uni Halls and stay. You can't suddenly switch from worrying about them getting in OK to letting them do what they want because they 'are old enough to get married and have a baby.'

Its a long gradual process and the worrying never stops does it?. They think they are invincible but they are not, because they have not gained enough life experience to always make sensible considered decisions.

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Worrying · 17/03/2007 00:27

Thanks all for your advice. I know I need to let go, she won't be leaving home while at uni but if we can't work something out I think she'll have to. I've now learned to go to bed without waiting up. She now has a boyfriend in a band who are supporting a well known band on tour and she is about to go off on tour with them. I'm not keen on the boyfriend, he adores her but is hardly capable of looking after himself.I feel permanently sick with worry, it's all happened too suddenly, I expected her to spread her wings gradually.There is no stopping her, it will only make her dig her heels in but at the same time I have rules and principles I'm having to compromise constantly to accomodate her. The boyriend "accidentally" fell asleep in her room the other night and was still there in the morning. She was really very sorry but he didn't seem to be,I hit the roof and he is no longer welcome.Just seems that every time I give an inch,she wants a mile.We've had a few heart to hearts, each time thinking we've come to an understanding until the next time I say no.I go from walking on eggshells in case she doesn't come home to going completely off on one and laying down the law.We used to be sooo close and I just keep telling myself, she's not on drugs and she won't get pregnant, what's the problem? Then I argue with myself that she still should toe the line and help around the house etc or she'll be ruined.Help!!!

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Worrying · 17/03/2007 00:37

p.s,yes she is my eldest, and helliebean you really sound on my wavelength with this one.age isn't really the issue, it's all about the kind of life she's been used to until now and her ability to suddenly look after herself.Also,I trust her implicitly, it's others in this new rocknroll lifestyle I have a problem with, I tell her this constantly.

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Worrying · 17/03/2007 19:27

well, she's off to a gig followed by a party in the roughest part of town, telling me she doesn't know when she'll be home, might be out all night but she'll keep texting me to let me know she's ok.My nephew was stabbed at a party there last year.I've told her to please not drink too much and to call whatever time if she needs a lift or there's any trouble.I'm beside myself with worry. Nothing else I can do but to sit tight and pray.The thought of his for the next few years, I'll be off my head.