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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

15 year old out of control

17 replies

barbsbarbs · 31/10/2016 06:29

ok my 15 year old son hardly ever picks up his phone when he is out, hanging out with some older kids sixteen, seventeen, he smokes and constantly tells me to P* off,in front of his friends. His friends are everything right now and he has stated clearly that if I keep asking him where he is and 'bothering' him he will get worse. He comes home whenever he feels like it and if I challenge him on anything, he tells me he will just leave and never come back. He has stated that he will do what he wants whenever he wants and that now he is 15, he can look after himself. His hygiene is awful and last week during half term he didnt have one bath or shower, despite us teling and telling him,. grounding doesnt work, as he just goes out anyway, told him he wont get pocket money, but he says his friends give him money anyway. I work full time and every day Im worrying whether today is the day he wont come home. I want him to be safe, but at the moment he does what he wants.

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Cucumber5 · 31/10/2016 06:37

Get on Amazon and look at the reviews for books on parenting teens. There is a ton of excellent psychology based advice available. Teens can be tricky.

How did things develop into this? What was going on years ago?

BabyGanoush · 31/10/2016 06:41

How did it get to this stage? What was he like at 13? 11?

Cucumber5 · 31/10/2016 06:43

He seems to be rebelling. What are the rules/diciplined/expectations he grew up with? What are his peers like? I would probably start by trying to reconnect emotionally with him (when he's away from his friends). What are his good points? Does he feel valued or treasured by you? How can you make him feel valued/treasured now?

ihatethecold · 31/10/2016 06:46

The lack of hygiene would make me wonder if he is using drugs.
My ds went so far off the rails at 15 that I'm sorry to say that at 25 we are only just getting the right support for him.
Have you spoken to the school?
Is he going to school?
What about advice and support from one of the many teen charities?
Has anything changed drastically at home in the past year?

Sorry you are going through this. I really understand how hard it is.

barbsbarbs · 31/10/2016 06:51

He has ADHd, so always been a bit of a handful, but it has intensified over the past year. hes going to school, has started at a new school in year 10, and has already been on the brink of getting permanenlty excluded. What teen charities are there, because Ive looked andcant sem to find any. ihatethecold. Husband and him always clash, its very stressful, and husband has not worked for years due to chroinic lung disease. He probably does smoke some weed, money has always been tight and he has no real male role models in either sides of our family.

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barbsbarbs · 31/10/2016 06:53

good points, will try to make time for him and show him that we love unconditionally, but hes like a whirlwind, we just cant get him listening to us.

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ihatethecold · 31/10/2016 07:06

I think what can happen is young teens look to belong somewhere. His bond is with his friends not you, so he cares more about his relationship with them than his relationship with his own family.
Does he have any treatment or support for his ADHD?
What are the school doing?

barbsbarbs · 31/10/2016 07:10

GOOD ADVICE, yeah I get that the belonging, which makes me think that he doesnt feel he belongs at home or in his family. The thing is he is not close to any of his siblings and argues with his dad. Im the only one who champions him. he is on ritalin, but bascially refues to take it. the school are going to give him counsellign, hes also under camhms, but after the initial meeting the have not contacted us.

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barbsbarbs · 31/10/2016 07:18

the friends that he has hooked up with seem to also have issues with their own parents, one sixteen year old lad was told he couldnt come home because the step dad doesnt want him around. On saturday I rang him up through his friends mobile and he said he was going to bedford (we live in essex) to visit a freind who is a uni student there. when I said he couldnt, he said he woudlnt come home then at all. I plied info from the other firned whon gave me the uni students address and number. thye went o bedford, paid for by friends, but when he got back yesterday, he said his freinds thought I was a crackhead for asking so many questions, his words: 'you interrogated him'

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ihatethecold · 31/10/2016 07:19

I would be on camhs back. have you asked him why he isn't taking his meds properly?
Has he ever taken it constantly?
Where things better when he was medicated?

Unfortunately you have to really make your voice heard when it comes to getting support at this age.
Does he blame his behaviour on ADHD?

I would ring camhs and say things are really declining and you need urgent help with it.
The sooner you can get help the better.

GirlInASwirl · 31/10/2016 07:24

Hi there OP. This certainly sounds challenging. Have you touched base with the parents of the other kids he is hanging around with - there may be some support there for you and sometimes just comparing notes makes the children less likely to be deceptive. I am pretty sure that you are not the only parent feeling this way about the group at the moment. I would also want to discuss if friends are giving your son money - and for what reason.

There are two general angles to take a.) full discussion (firm and calm) about effects of his behaviours, that you still love him and do not want to see him become a 'bum'. and b.) tough love - or 'taking back your power' as I call it.

He may benefit from having more of his time filled.

Teenagers often try to assert their own authority before they have full maturity. Many do not really have a concept of how responsibility and adulthood go hand in hand.

I think you should try to call him out on a few things - tough love style e.g:

some ideas......
a.) as he wants to make his own decisions; then he can behave like an adult at home. This means....
b.) time to roll up his sleeves and get into the housework ( in manageable chunks because of the ADHD). Time to contribute a small amount to the household via a job - so he has less time to mull with problematic friends. Work first; friends later.....
c.) if he disrespects you in front of his friends you will not cooperate with the things he expects of you - you decide what small things will have maximum impact (e.g he cooks his own tea while you put your feet up)
d.) telling him that you will not be responding to emotional blackmail - e.g I will run away. Pointing out that if he does run away - he will be returned home, running away/sofa surfing etc is not as glamourous as it is cut out to be etc.
e.) that because you do not approve of smoking; he will be doing all his own laundry.

It may be a very intensive and uncomfortable period fro you both. But sometimes - something firm now just reminds them that they do need to rely on you and so need to pull in the same direction.

Rebellion is all part of growing up and he sounds like he has some intelligence about him. In a way it is good that he is doing this now so that you have the opportunity to put some safety boundaries around him. Good luck

barbsbarbs · 31/10/2016 07:26

thanks, I will, no never taken it constantly and hes doesnt blame the adhd. its great to have this forum, because it makes you feel less alone,

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barbsbarbs · 31/10/2016 07:36

thank you GirlInASwirl. good points and i will take them on board.

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Cucumber5 · 31/10/2016 08:00

Your husband needs to read some parenting books!! He needs to change his approach.

ihatethecold · 31/10/2016 08:01

Your not alone op.

ihatethecold · 31/10/2016 08:02

I'm going to pm you op.
Only because my ds lives in Essex and I may be able to give you some pointers for help.
Feel free to ignore it.

Wornoutmum42 · 31/10/2016 09:50

I posted exactly the same last week OP , I have 0 control over DD and am at my wits end. This weekend she turned up at 3 Friday night and 4 Saturday night. She gave me false info about where she was, she was grounded sat night but went out anyway despite having no money. She is always shouting and screamingly , last night she yelled "sorry" but she's not, it will be much the same this week. She is also in the process of being excluded from school but refusing to go in. She also has ADHD and sees camhs frequently, I try to get help but am just told "your doing your best, hang in there" , but I'm barely hanging in there anymore I feel anxious 24/7.

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