DD losing ANOTHER BFF.....

(38 Posts)
Pollyanna9 Fri 14-Oct-16 17:30:45

All her friends cast her out months ago including BFF of 4 years. The girls mum is a 2 faced liar - said she'd help, wasn't the case, never helped at all.

For about a month DD had reconnected with a previous friend and they were heading into BFF territory.

Something or nothing incident at school today (girls) and DD supports someone crying. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do, result, DD once again going from class to class on her own trying not to cry because she thinks she's about to lose this BFF.

Then the agitator girl (BITCH) deliberately knees DD in the thigh as she's walking through a doorway.

I have properly had ENOUGH.

I want to speak to parents, bring it out in the open. I want school to pull this shit stirring little cow up for getting physical.

"don't tell the school please it will make it so much worse. If you tell school I'm not going because know them and I know how to handle it" - arghhh!

I honestly don't think she'd cope with losing this friend after losing all her others and her former massive BFF from before, AND she's also hot a dad who can't be bothered to see her (but still sees her DB).

Advice?

MidnightVelvetthe7th Fri 14-Oct-16 17:34:55

How old are they all?

IminaPickle Fri 14-Oct-16 17:46:23

Err, wow.
You are massively over invested in this. Your DD is obviously hysterically fixated on having a bff because of your dramatics. I never had a 'BFF', rather 3/4 good friends I still see regularly, 40 years on. My teenage daughters never had drama like you describe; they've always had a group of friends.
Back right off, support her when she's upset but encourage her to concentrate on her work and make friends plural.

Pollyanna9 Fri 14-Oct-16 18:59:48

WTF Imina?! She HAD lots of friends did you not read that part? She's done fantastically well and had a horrible year. I'm so sorry this is literally the only friend she's got - it's not by sodding choice.

'Hysterical'? Do one.

Useruser44 Fri 14-Oct-16 22:18:30

How old? My DD is 15 and this has been going on since year 8. I do think some kids are drawn towards drama and I've found with DD over time she is not always the victim , they just feel it when it's not happening to them.

Dramallamamama Fri 14-Oct-16 23:03:09

My teenage daughters never had drama like you describe

Your daughters are in the minority then.

Nermerner Fri 14-Oct-16 23:10:07

I have 3 dds and I didn't even know what a BFF was until I Googled it. I personally think it's healthier to have lots of friends rather than one special one. However I also know how difficult girls and friends can be. If she doesn't want you to talk to school there's not a lot you can do. Could she do a club out of school? All mine have made great friends this way.

IminaPickle Sat 15-Oct-16 00:05:52

My teenage daughters never had drama like you describe
"Your daughters are in the minority then."

Maybe but I think those two facts are connected. My friend's dds don't either. However we're sensible undramatic types and have brought our children the same. I have never used phrases like '2 faced liar' agitator girl BITCH etc. I don't think I could even say BFF with a straight face and more importantly my children have never heard me talk about friendships in such hysterical terms.
If you really want to help your daughter encourage her to like herself and not invest so much in others' opinions. But I suspect you're enjoying the drama yourself.

lljkk Sat 15-Oct-16 02:27:50

My teen DD has 4-8 ppl she calls BFFs.
Your DD will kiss & makeup b4 you can forgive, eh, Pollyanna?

Motherfuckers Sat 15-Oct-16 02:51:00

Everything Imina said.

Pollyanna9 Sat 15-Oct-16 09:07:35

I think some of you seem to have the utterly false belief that it is my DDs CHOICE to just have one friend.

To all of you who are saying "oooh, my DDs all have lots of friends" (and what I'm about to say is very unlike me but hey ho), I hope what happened to my DD happens to yours, then you'll know what it's like. You only have your opinion because that shit that happened to my DD (and some of the other posters on here) I would NEVER have believed was going to happen to her. Never.

You see, she had a big old group of friends from oh about the age of 12 to the age of 13 - 13.5. I have to say, I was SO happy for her that she did because I was quite alone throughout school and I always so pleased that she was on sleepovers all over the shop, going up to the shops, going to the swimming baths - all with umpteen different mates. She was so happy - she's a happy bubbly enthusiastic thoughtful and kind girl and really enjoyed her social life and certainly was deserving of having a great bunch of friends. As per my example, if someone's upset or being treated unfairly, she's right there for them. Whist she had, as per what the kids call it, one BFF, that was part of a much wider group of friends. That seems entirely normal to me.

Sadly, and completely unexpectedly that came to an end quite some months ago now. DD spent the whole of the summer in her bed in her bedroom because she literally had no one left - the power of 'the group' overrides everything and most of the girls even the ones who don't like what's going on, aren't strong enough to stand up for what's right and align themselves with the person who's been shat upon, rather than the agitating nasty little cow that's caused all the issues.

I'd like to ask you lot where your gardens are rosy (for the moment they are anyway - you never know when friendship armageddon is coming), if YOU as an adult suddenly lost all your friends and all your work colleagues how would it affect you?

To find my DD 'hysterical' is utterly insulting - she's been far from hysterical. On the back of constant denigration and not being the favourite (with often appalling treatment related to that) from her dad, step'mum', and grandparents, she's had some tough years - and handled it with grace, maturity and common sense. But it's ripped her heart out at times. She's not seen her dad for more than 4 hours since Easter - he can't be arsed to see her and has made no efforts to see her after she advised that she was finding contact with him and his family emotionally damaging.

So as you can imagine, when DD and this girl (potential new 'BFF') came together again, I was so pleased. It has meant the world to her to have A friend again.

I'm sorry for you pontificating responders, but that isn't a choice. She'd much rather have a closer friend and several general friends - but she didn't have a choice in the matter.

Sadly, you don't even need to do do anything to get ousted from 'the group' - it just takes one agitating bitch troll teen girl from hell to get everyone riled up and there you have it, suddenly your entire weak-willed friendship group is gone. Instantaneously.

My DD is made of stern stuff and I applaud the way she's handled some incredible insults to her psyche over the last, actually, 8 years but especially through the year that she lost all her friends. I take my hat off to her.

I will be helping her to work out if there is a problem with her mate and help her to rectify it if I possibly can.

It would be a cold-hearted and highly insensitive person who thought that her attempts (and concern) to retain this one relationship were inappropriate because it's just one friend not several that's involved! I truly hope that in future months/years others will want to move away from stirring bitch girl too (it's inevitable) and then she can have more friends can't she.

Emberfirefly Sat 15-Oct-16 09:23:25

Why is there always someone who jumps on these kind of threads to tell everyone how their children never had these issues etc etc? It's hardly helpful to the OP is it? Socially ostrisizing someone is a form of bullying and it's not acceptable just because 'all girls do it'. The OP's daughter is very unhappy so of course OP is going to feel hurt, angry and upset too.

CorkieD Sat 15-Oct-16 09:29:57

Dramallamamama, I know it's probably hard for you to believe but teenage girls who do not get involved in these large scale dramas are not in a minority.

lljkk Sat 15-Oct-16 09:30:06

Ooh, nice Pollyanna. shock You can be satisfied, I lived the real experience myself of having only hostile peers and no friends... for yrs. So did one of DC.

Yes it fucked me up for life.

But think whatever you like, when folk say you are handling this wrong.
Pah. HIDE THREAD.

IminaPickle Sat 15-Oct-16 09:33:29

Because Ember it's obvious that the whole dynamic is creating a dd who is utterly miserable when normal teenage dramas blow up. Because her Mum is in the ring with her, egging her on and fanning the flames.
pollyanna you're still doing it
-'stirring bitch girl' shock
Distract her, entertain her, give her other things to think about and enjoy and look forward to- encourage her to plan a life where her world isn't defined by her school friends and stop rerunning it.

celeryeater Sat 15-Oct-16 09:35:36

I just wanted to say this was also my experience in high school - some girls really can be that fucking awful to each other and when it happens to you it's life shattering. I managed to eventually find another group to hide in although never really clicked with any of them and now 16 years on I don't see anyone I went to school with, but I did go on to make other nicer friends out in the real world. That's the horrible thing about school you are forced to go every day and see these nasty little bitches (and yes that is the correct term). Unfortunately I don't have much advice for your DD, but I don't think you talking to the school will help either. Sorry OP

MsMarvel Sat 15-Oct-16 09:36:57

Nobody has said your daughter os being hysterical. People are saying that YOU are hysterical.

cansu Sat 15-Oct-16 09:41:12

Girls can be v nasty to one another in these friendship groups. I think though you need to be careful not to feed the v dramatic and high emotion way this is discussed with your dd. if you join in with talking about the girl as a bitch etc you are getting involved like all the other girls at school. You need to be the calm mature voice. Yes listen and if there is bullying advocate for her at school but also just be there for her by encouraging new friendships, letting her invite people over. Perhaps get her to join something outside school so she can make a friend in a new context. Also reassure her that this doesn't last forever and that her reaction to this stuff is important too.

IrenetheQuaint Sat 15-Oct-16 09:42:48

"agitating bitch troll teen girl from hell"

seriously? I know that 13-14 is a typical age for friendship dramas, and it's all really stressful and miserable at the time, but vilifying other girls in this way won't help anyone.

IminaPickle Sat 15-Oct-16 09:44:03

Like lljkk I had a really grim time of it at school. There was a period when I was really bullied. Funnily enough I'd completely forgotten about it- I clicked on this thread as I bought it was about friends moving away, and I have experience of that too, as have my dcs and was gong to offer advice on keeping in touch etc.
The reason I forget about being bullied isn't that I was amazingly strong, or didn't care- it was awful, really awful at the time. I forget about it because even at the time it was a very small part of my life. I was very 'into my studies' and my mum really validated and encouraged that, I had friends and did activities outside school- again facilitated by family. I had a Saturday job, wouldn't have happened without outside school friends. I was encouraged to see wider family members, go on non school arranged trips etc (language exchange) and comforted but definitely offered respite from the bullying rather than worrying that mum was upset or angry about it.

specialsubject Sat 15-Oct-16 09:54:18

The physical assault definitely needs reporting.

Otherwise, your daughter needs help with self esteem and self reliance, not the idea that it is all about friends forever. Because it isnt.

TwinkleTwinkleLittleBat Sat 15-Oct-16 10:07:25

Could she move on to another group? I know that can be hard to achieve and does take time to build new friendships, but sometimes it's better to not always be around the people who are treating you poorly and who see you as the person to pick on.

If they see you have other options, somewhere else to 'be' and others to talk to, rather than to stand in the edge with no other choice, it can lessen the power they have to hurt you and minimise their opportunities to do so.

It is hard not to feel angry and very involved, as you clearly do, but how you present this to your dd can also be a source of stress for her. My dd had problems at school within her established group in yr8 onwards. It was horrible and I worried so much about it but you getting involved and contacting parents could escalate things by putting dd in a worse light and give her something more to be taunted about. Dd dealing with your anger regarding this is one more thing for her to cope with. Try to step back.

I advised my daughter, in addition to making new friends, to still be generally friendly to everyone in the group even though they had let her down. To go out of her way to do so even though she didn't feel it. To be lovely and not show she was bothered. It's hard for people to be spiteful to someone who is so nice to everyone. It merely shows up the ringleader's own behaviour and makes everyone wonder why she would pick on someone everyone else likes.

I don't deny this is hard. Teen friendships are a minefield. People join in with behaviour merely because they don't want to be next focus for attention. Probably there are girls who privately don't feel any animosity towards your dd and who are feeling uncomfortable about this, but are just keeping their heads down. I admit that's not a fantastic way to behave but it is very much how it seems to work in teen girl groups.

The emotional bullying that girls especially can dish out is astonishing. It's also hard to pin down and schools only seem to understand obvious bullying not the crafty psychological stuff that goes under the radar but which is esp unkind.

There is no way to march in and make everyone behave unfortunately. It'll just make it all the more subtle and with social media added to the mix (bullies favourite weapon of choice) Its better to come up with a game plan to arm your dd emotionally.

Useruser44 Sat 15-Oct-16 10:14:20

this will blow over but I'm sure there will be plenty more girl dramas throughout school. Your DD won't be in this situation forever, I know how painful it is when your children are upset but I think your being a tad harsh, you only have your dds side of the story.

Crystal15 Sat 15-Oct-16 10:19:35

Seriously. If you think it's normal to wish unhappiness on other people's DD's because your annoyed- your extremely immature and I'm wondering if your attitude may be rubbing off on your child and causing het friendship problems.
Your level of contempt is alarming too. You will sensitize your child to any form of rejection, mean girls pick up on fearful children and play on it. You need counselling. If it was me I'd have nipped it in the bud months ago, your fuelling your child's feelings or rejection.

Nermerner Sat 15-Oct-16 10:54:10

Well I did give you some advice actually. But your last post sounds completely hysterical and I can well believe that your dd has friendship issues. Perhaps she should do a club as I suggested and I also suggest that if she's really spent the whole summer crying in her bed you take her to the gp.

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