My 18 year old son makes me feel like I want to run away

[smellybum1]

I live with my 18 year old, 10 year old and my partner. My son is lazy, disrespectful, no respect and just rude to us.

He was going to college, but failed his exams, therefore he lays around the house doing nothing apart from winding us all up. He is horrible to myself and my daughter, but saying nasty things, telling us to shut up and go away. If I try and lay down the law it gets very confrontational to a point where I wonder if it may get physical.

He on two occasions has shut my arm or leg in the door if I have tried to get into his bedroom.

We have just been away for a weekend and he hasn't stopped picking on my daughter. He refused to turn the TV down when we went to bed, but instead turned it up.

I am told by many that this is normal, but I am worried that my daughter is learning from this and to be honest I have nobody I can talk to about it and can't cope.

I found him a room in a shared house and offered to pay for six months rent, he told me to move into the room and since then has been even more rude to me.

What do I do, how do I handle this situation. Is there any chat forums with other parents with adult children living at home ?

[LineyReborn]

Is he not retaking at least Maths and English at school or college? Just how bad is his refusal to do anything productive? Where does he get money from?

[smellybum1]

He was doing his first year of A Levels which he has now failed, he refuses to tell me if he is going back to college and just says he is going on benefits !

He works when he can be bothered, but I have heard they are fed up with him because he is lazy. I no longer give him money, he refuses to eat what we do so he lives on junk food and I no longer do anything for him as he won't help me at all. He ignores all communication with me, so I haven't got a clue what he is doing.

[LineyReborn]

I not think there are benefits any more for 18 year olds without dependants?

[LineyReborn]

*I don't think

[Rockpebblestone]

Wow, I would have loved a room in a shared house at that age all paid for! It sounds like he is too comfortable where he is and also that you find him physically threatening.

Would he listen more if your partner was there to back you up? Or his dad?

You can't have him bullying you all, 'ruling the roost' but contributing nothing. If you really can't deal with this as a family, I think you need outside help.

[LineyReborn]

You won't even get child benefit for him if he's dropped out of college.

I can't tell you what to do, but I would give him some clear choices, ending in the scenario where he ships out.

[smartiecake]

Once you turn 18 you can claim job seekers allowance but the JC are tough and will give claimants a set number of jobs they need to apply for each week in order to keep receiving their benefits. It sounds like an awful situation OP and I
Am glad you are not doing everything for him. I think you may need to sit him down and give him a chance to turn it around a little, but ultimately he is an adult and his behaviour is out of order and you don't need to stand for it. Is there any one else in the family that would speak to him?

[Outnumbrd]

My son was like this at age 13,14. I called the police a couple of times as his behaviour was abusive. He was also awful to his younger sister. He had learnt it from my abusive ex although it started coming out in him once I'd left my ex. At 15 I sent him to live with a family member, and I got school involved who offered him mentoring etc. Our relationship is now largely great, he's 17 now we still live apart but he stays with me often. He is also now lovely to his sister.
Your son is 18 so it's going to be alot harder to find support. But it is abuse and not fair on you. You are also right to be concerned about your Dd who may grow up to accept this behaviour from a partner. It could also give her low self esteem. You have to be tough on this or he will never stop.
What does your partner say?

[smellybum1]

No, he won't get benefits, but that is his response.

Yes I do find him physically threatening, but more concerned what my ten year old is learning.

My partner has tried and he tells him to shut up and go away. My daughters dad has tried talking to him and he just lies and tells him he is looking for work and he will change, but doesn't.

His own dad is a waste of space - tells our son to get a grip and then doesn't see him or talk to him for months.

Outside help I would like, but where and from whom ? I suggested family counselling, but he refused. I don't know what else to do apart from pack my own bags before I loose the plot.

[GeneralBobbit]

No, being a complete useless layabout arsehole who abuses everyone and threatens you is not normal

Put him out. Very kind of you to rent him a room. If he refuses to go call the police or members of your family to help him go to his new digs.

He only acts like this because you're all unwittingly facilitating this.

for you.

[Outnumbrd]

What you said about his dad- that is where this is coming from. Your son needs help but you cannot give it to him as he has no respect for you/is angry. He needs to agree to get help for himself or I would make him leave. He needs to agree to see his GP or some other service for counselling.

[Outnumbrd]

You also need to access some support for yourself. Contact Women's Aid

[Outnumbrd]

And I agree with Bobbit it is not normal

[Anne1988]

Oh dear you poor thing by 18 I was working full time and had been renting my own flat for a year!!
You need to sit this young man down and have a very serious talk about what is expected of him
I wouldn't be allowing this
This is your house and so therefore they are your rules plz put your foot down before it gets totally out of hand and beyond repair x

[gamerchick]

Kick him out i'm serious. He's 18 he's making his own choices tell him to leave. You don't have to tolerate this just because you gave birth to him.

[smellybum1]

He won't talk to me and just tells me to shut up when I try and talk to him. He talks to other family members, but he lies and then back to himself. I am scared to phone the police as I don't want him having a record and on a positive he isn't bad outside the house.

Last year I dropped all his stuff to his dads, who in turn dropped the stuff and my son to my elderly parents house (my dad couldn't cope) and my mum wouldn't see him homeless so he ended back here again as I did not want to see my dad not coping.

To be honest my son his my mum's fav grandson and she lies for him and very protective of him and he is like a mini her. Talk about feeling stuck !

[Cathaka15]

Getting physical? sounDs like therapy is needed asap. Obviously there are deeper issues that need resolving. Not just exam results and teenage stuff.

[GeneralBobbit]

He's not going to get a criminal record if he goes when they tell him to. And all your doing is asking for assistance. They will come to prevent a breach of the peace.

If he starts acting up when they're their you do understand that's his choice? He has the opportunity not to be violent.

Or you could lock him out when he goes out and not let him back in? Change the locks, call the police if he tries to force his way in. Drop his stuff at a friends or the house share you move him to.

[yeOldeTrout]

Is he a lot bigger than you, smellyburn?
Are you renting or do you own your home?

[smellybum1]

Oh I thought he would get a record so never done it.

He is a lot bigger than me and I own my own home.

I have just told him that I will no longer tolerate his behaviour and if he continues I will be dropping his stuff to his dads. He turned the TV up. I have also emailed his dad and told him I will not tolerate this anymore and if it continues his bags will be on his doorstep. Just need to be strong now (just feel I am over reacting and just him being a teenager)

[gamerchick]

You're not overeacting, next time don't let him back no matter what happens.

[OliviaStabler]

Get him out. Change the locks.

[WalrusGumboot]

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, it must be so difficult. You've had good advice on here, I won't add to it but I will offer you these

[yeOldeTrout]

Please be tough enough to kick him out. You need to spell out what you expect of him & be firm about what crosses the line when he crosses it. I asked those things because I wondered if he might get violent if you insisted on kicking him out. :(

Is there anyone... someone physically confident, you could have come around to back you up on the day you would need to kick him out? Not that you in slightest want this friend to get into a fight on your behalf. But them to act as witness & physical presence of support, could be invaluable.

[HorridHenrietta2]

So sorry you're going through this op it sounds like such a sad situation. I think you do need to get really tough with him though. If he won't talk to you, write a list of house rules and tell him that
A) if he hurts you in any way you will call the police and press charges, and please do that without fearing for his record.... That's HIS responsibility.
B) if he doesn't follow the rules then his belongings will be put on the front lawn and he will not be welcome in your house until he gets his act together.

Sit down with your parents and discuss the situation honestly with them, explain why they should not take him in.

Sounds like this boy has got into a pattern of behaving and getting away with it.
But he's an adult now and needs a wake up call.
Please do this because YOU do not deserve this treatment!!