daughter leaving for uni can't stop crying or feel sick.

(45 Posts)
Clairemorley Thu 25-Aug-16 22:25:32

I'm a Mam of three
And also a foster Carer so you'd think I'd be relieved but my daughter who I've mothered, held when needed, screamed at, at times but
Loved oh so much is leaving for uni in three weeks, she's moving 2.5 hours away and can't stop crying thinking about this. Gonna miss her so mix and yes I'm proud but I'm just so worried about her. That she gets home sick Dosent make friend everything but most of all why is my baby leaving me x

Northernlurker Thu 25-Aug-16 22:28:53

You're being silly. My pfb is going 6 hours away to study medicine and grow in to the woman I've bought her up to be. She's leaving home but she'll never leave me. I feel excited and positive about this step. I'm sure I'll cry on the way home but I'd cry a hell of a lot more if she'd not had the opportunity to follow her dreams. Get a grip of yourself and make sure you don't spoil this exciting time for her.

Clairemorley Thu 25-Aug-16 22:32:14

I know I'm being silly but I just can't help it I know she's going to have an amazing time and that I've helped her have the confidence to go in the first place but can't help that I'm going to miss her so much.

Mrsmorton Thu 25-Aug-16 22:33:00

hmm
She's hardly divorcing you. What an amazing opportunity for her.

Marmite27 Thu 25-Aug-16 22:36:08

OP, in the nicest possible way get a grip. Don't ruin your last few weeks together feeling like this. The reason she's so secure and ready to take this huge step is because you've been supporting her. Revel in her adventure, it won't be long before she needs her mum as a shoulder to cry on, for advice, or for planning another adventure with.

I'm decades older than your daughter, and I've been doing that with my mum today flowers

Northernlurker Thu 25-Aug-16 22:42:01

She's going to uni not Mars. She'll be home in ten weeks or so I expect. Mine won't be home till December and she goes next week (Scottish uni). But I'll text her and we'll see her for a visit up there in October and speak on the phone. It will be fine.

BackforGood Thu 25-Aug-16 22:57:16

I have to agree with everyone else.
Be proud of her achievement.
Be excited for her starting out on this new adventure.
Yes, maybe once she's gone, miss her a little bit, but don't ruin this exciting time for her with letting on to her you are feeling like this, please.

Clairemorley Thu 25-Aug-16 23:13:28

Thank I have been positive with her as well and
Told
Her how proud I am
And what an amazing experience she will have. il try and stop the tears,
She nows
I'm over emotional this is not a new thing but I'm gonna try be more police for her and concentrate on making her move positive for her

RoughMagic Thu 25-Aug-16 23:18:40

In the nicest possible way, you need to pull yourself together.

This is an amazing opportunity for her - a chance to spread her wings and find out who she really is. She has done really well to get there.

Please don't diminish this for her by making it about how much you will miss her. The focus should be on her at the moment - on the exciting new opportunity she has worked hard for. Stop crying in front of her. Please. It's not about you.

My mum was all smiles when I went off to uni. Really, really positive about what a great opportunity it was and how I should make the most of every minute. It wasn't until years later that I found out she's had a little cry in the car after dropping me off. Which is as it should be, really.

shirej Mon 26-Sep-16 09:08:00

I have to say that I am quite surprised by the responses on this thread. I'm a single dad going through this & one of the reasons I looked to see if there was any discussion here was that elsewhere the general male response is always 'get a grip' or the same thing but in, shall we say, more anatomical terms. There are lots & lots of people who don't want to hear that - they know they have to get control of these emotions but the 'get a grip' response is often as difficult & wrong as it is when said to someone who has depression.

people often post on forums when they are feeling very low & in need of something.

I'm still going through this situation so I might feel able to offer advice but the reality is that same advice isn't working on me ! i'm in tears & despite being 'successful' (whatever that means) in my work I have no idea about handling a daily life that will be very different from when my daughter lived at home all the time. Of course I want her to be happy, independent etc. but I think anyone coming on here & talking about how they feel are doing so, as I am, because this is the conversation we need to have & as its about oneself there is sometimes a bit of guilt that, as parents, we shouldn't be thinking of our own upset. I know myself that I don't really want my daughter to know how upset I am but I also know that we have always had the kind of relationship where we talked about emotions and thought about what they meant. She will know I am missing her of course but I know I can't talk to her in the same way about how somehow meaningless the other parts of my life now that they have to fill up more space in each day.

anyway, perhaps this discussion here can widen out a bit, for those of us who would like more perspectives.

Stopyourhavering Mon 26-Sep-16 09:30:54

Of course you're allowed to be upset your dd is leaving, but at same time it's an exciting time for her so please don't spoil this time for her
It may be that you didn't go to uni or leave home at her age or your experiences were negative
I remember when I left to go to uni 35 yrs ago , when there was no social media to foist expectations on young adults!, I had no real idea what to expect , I'd had a few independent holidays at camps to prepare me as to how I might cope but had never really had to deal with things on my own before....what a marvellous experience I had!.... I made so many friends, love being able to do what I wanted , grow into the person I am now.....your daughter will thank you in years to come for giving her this experience that unfortunately too few have and even for some that do , take for granted
Give them wings and they will fly

shirej Mon 26-Sep-16 09:53:17

hmmm, can I say that I do think it could be helpful if there was some acknowledgment that some folks posting on here have no intention of 'spoiling it' for their children & they certainly don't need people telling them not to as its somewhat condescending unless they admit to doing something that might impact on that. In fact they might be posting on this forum because they don't want to do so elsewhere or talk to those close to them who might then inadvertently let slip to their children how upset their mum/dad is.

I perhaps hoped that this forum would be a place where there would be a wider and more in-depth discussion. There needs to be somewhere like that.

fairywoods Mon 26-Sep-16 09:53:43

I still miss my DD a great deal and she's just gone into third year. I think the poster and shirej have very understandable feelings of loss. We spend 18+ years bringing up our children and then have to let them go. If they fly we've done a great job, but that doesn't mean we don't miss them and feel a huge hole in our lives. I think too, the empty nest arrives when we are maybe considering our own lives and it can feel like all the best times are over. I absolutely loved bringing up my children and all I can say is it does get easier with time. But, this year after having my DD at home for three months it was still a wrench when she went. She's on a very intense course which means I visit once a term at most and we often don't get a chance to speak for two/three weeks because she's simply too busy studying and having fun. That's how it should be, but it takes a bit of adjustment. Doing something for yourself, taking up a new hobby, keeping busy really helps.

HormonalHeap Tue 27-Sep-16 12:49:43

I think how much time they have spent at home can play a part here. I thought I'd be in bits by now having dropped dd off last weekend- but because she had an off the scale social life, it doesn't actually feel much different.

The bottom line for me is that I know she's happy at the moment. Every time you get that lump in your throat, try and think of all the amazing stuff she'll be doing and turn it into excitement.

whattheseithakasmean Tue 27-Sep-16 12:59:19

Same for me Hormonal that last summer DD was working full time/socialising/staying at her boyfriends flat so she was hardly home. I actually had more regular contact (on the phone) when she started Uni as she wanted to tell me all about it. I am so proud of her independence, I cannot feel sad. I have a full life & am naturally resilient & optmistic - traits worth cultivating in yourself and your children.

HuckfromScandal Tue 27-Sep-16 13:03:14

I'm obviously in the minority.
I had none of these feelings
I bade her farewell, and got on with it.

She's slowly become more and more independent, and that's the way it should be.
I've done my job. I brought her up to spread her wings.
We speak, we text, and I have been down to see her.
Life is life
Hers is just beginning. So exciting

shirej Tue 27-Sep-16 13:09:49

I don't want to disagree with anything that has been said but I also think its important to recognise that the feelings of excitement, pride & joy that our children are starting on the next bit of their journey can be felt at the same time as personal feelings that are more difficult. There is a difference between what one feels for ones children and what one feels about ones own role now or indeed how ones life is / will be.

being independent and resilient is something most people would hope to be anyway, but for some this unchartered water of when our children set off to Uni is complex and brings up all kinds of emotions.

what i'm saying here is that there's a wee hint in some posts of 'this is the right way' or 'that's wrong' - we are all different & one persons positive experience has nothing whatsoever to do with them being a better parent & one persons difficulty isn't either.

whattheseithakasmean Tue 27-Sep-16 13:26:07

Actually, I think being positive, optimistic and resilient makes you a better role model & hence a better parent. If you feel such woe at normal life events, that is obviously an issue that you need to address for your own sake and because it would be hard for it not to creep into your parenting.

PlugUgly Tue 27-Sep-16 13:35:34

I think you are talking a lot of sense SHIREJ I agree some of these posts don't sound supportive at all. I have four children and when my eldest 3 went (last one is still 12) I sobbed my heart out after each of them had left, (I am sure they guessed what I would be like after I cheerily said goodbye too!)
it was a huge sense of loss and grief, and the realisation that your job is done was very poignant for me....having said that I have now realised the job is never 'done' as they now surprisingly seem to still need me for advice, help etc....long may it continue too!

Frankley Tue 27-Sep-16 13:40:45

My daughter went off to uni a few years ago-- happy and excited. I had a sick feeling in my stomach and a sort of bereaved emptiness for about a month after she had gone. I had plenty of stuff in life to do but missed her, we are good friends. Hope you are feeling better now OP. It will be fine and she will be back in your life again.

shirej Tue 27-Sep-16 22:04:17

with respect whattheseithakasmean that is both insulting and also floored logic in every single study or philosophy or parent - child psychology. You also seem unable to grasp the concept of being a positive, resilient, optimistic person & also, on occasion, able to express the frailty and disorientation all humans feel. I think you're confusing people who want to talk about these private feelings with people who have other problems that might prevent them from coping - & they also need understanding not insulting. You might also take something from this: I met one of the other students that my D had befriended the other day & when we were all chatting & joking about the whole 'parents' & 'waving them off' thing she mentioned that her mother had been all smiles & very positive. She cracked a joke about it & then her expression changed. Its would be worth while remembering that what you see as resilience is only ever how you see it & perhaps your children might see it with a slightly different view. I'm not saying they do - I don't know you but I can 100% guarantee that you have zero right to claim to be a better parent than anyone else because you believe your world view is right. In a very obvious sense that would indicate certain issues itself.

whattheseithakasmean Tue 27-Sep-16 22:19:26

I am sorry my logic floored you wink but I do think crying and feeling sick at a normal and happy life progression is OTT. Sure it is bitter sweet, but histrionics are misplaced - there is no real loss, just natural change.
Surely most teens have already started to detach from the family before they head to uni. As I said, in my case I had more regular catch ups with my DD than when she was ostensibly still living at home - and I enjoy sharing the details of her new life. Good times all round, really.

LoveMyRs Tue 27-Sep-16 22:25:23

Still a long way fir me but i will move with her
I don't think i can let her go to uni on her own blush
Others my think it's stupid to even say that but i was away for uni and even though i had great time but my parents there would have been better
I also was with my parents for 2 years when my brother was away in another country and i sure can't deal with what mum had to deal with back then.

MaQueen Tue 27-Sep-16 22:36:47

I will certainly miss my DDs when they leave for university.

But I wouldn't be so selfish and, frankly, so self indulgent as to upset them with my weeping and wailing.

shirej Tue 27-Sep-16 22:41:15

its difficult to know what else to say to you as you appear to be one of those people who has a very fixed idea of what is right & when confronted with other views you simply assume you're better in some way or use terms such as histrionics. Perhaps you really don't know any families that have very close relationships or where the children don't follow the 'standard' teen lifestyle of staying out partying etc. You don't come across as someone whose really interested in knowing more about the subjects you think you're right on but you perhaps would benefit from researching how students feel. A huge majority have very upsetting feelings throughout their first year for example. Anyway, I seriously think you should re-think implying other people are bad parents for being upset - for a start you have no idea how upset they are or whether one persons upset is the same as another persons indication of something wrong.

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