DD hates me

(16 Posts)
LucyLocketLostHerPocket Tue 23-Aug-16 11:38:17

I have a 15 yr old DD whom I love dearly but she and I have a total personality clash and tbh have done for years. She's been hard work for years and I always hoped her teenage years would be easier. I have spent years worrying about her and doing everything I can to help her with friendships, hobbies and everything else. Sadly she sees none of this. Her thoughts about me seem to pretty much 100% negative unless of course I'm giving her money etc.

She fights with DH but adores him really. Me she treats with contempt and like some kind of servant at best. I have asked her to talk to me with at least the civility she treats a total stranger but she doesn't think she talks to me any differently, I wish.

DS and DD2 don't do this and it breaks my heart we don't get on. My DM and I never got on and I wanted more for us. I just don't know how to achieve it. I do lovely things for her but she only ever holds onto the negative things, it makes me feel very sad and like just not trying any more. All I ever hear is how lovely her friends mums are and other people.

Her current refrain is that I just make her miserable and never make her feel good about herself. It's so hard to keep being nice when she talks to me like I'm shit on her shoe. If she behaved at home the way she behaves at friends houses it would be lovely.

Are there any words of wisdom from anyone who's dealt with this positively? I love her so much but it's draining and she brings a sense of negativity to our home. I find myself thinking that it will be a happier place when she goes to uni (which obv she'll expect us to pay for) and then hating myself for feeling like that.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Tue 23-Aug-16 11:53:33

I haven't had any experience of this, but if I was in your position, I would step back a bit. You can't force a closer bond with her, so perhaps a more hands off approach will encourage her to come to you on her own terms.

Best of luck.

dalmatianmad Tue 23-Aug-16 12:05:59

We've really recently been through all that with my 15 year old dd and we have thankfully come through it.
I've always felt slightly different towards her because she's been hard work from day one! My ds is so different.
I was fretting she was being bullied/abused/groomed and was constantly asking if she needed to talk about anything that was bothering her, her behaviour and attitude was so awful that I was convinced something awful was happening to her, it caused so many arguments in our family to the point that me and dp nearly separated over it all.
She woke up a few weeks ago and it was as if someone had flicked a switch, she's completely different now and 99% of the the time is lovely and polite and I love spending time with her now.
Not sure what's happened but I hope it lasts, I do think most of it was hormonal and I'm sure someone else more experienced will be along with better advice, hang in there!

LucyLocketLostHerPocket Tue 23-Aug-16 12:41:16

Madame, I've tried stepping back though it's hard to do but then I'm just told I don't care etc etc.

dalmation, that's what I'm holding out for really. I love her so much and find it really hard to behave like a mature adult. Inside I just want to be mean back to her and see how she likes it.

She's actually just come down and hugged me and said sorry mum. Then it's like this morning never happened and she didn't scream how much she fucking hates me and all I do is put her down, make her feel like shit. She'll tell me stuff and we'll have a laugh then I'll say something she doesn't like and will turn into a hateful banshee again and it will be all my fault. It's so draining.

3catsandcounting Tue 23-Aug-16 13:16:25

Lucy - you pretty much describe my relationship with my DD. She's now 19 and has been very tricky from day one.
Lovely to friends, relatives, teachers, strangers even, but despicable to me.
Spoilt, entitled, sly, lazy, and completely self- obsessed.

By 16, she refused to do anything I asked, started missing school/college, trashing her room, leaving the house at stupid times in the night. We got help from GP and alternative therapy, both of which helped, but her hatred of me continued.

I took advice from friends, professionals, and posters on here. I detached. It was hard.
I felt detaching would make her feel worse, like I didn't care, as if I would lose her.
I thought that by ignoring her tantrums and verbal assaults on me, I was condoning her behaviour, and I suppose, deep-down, all I wanted was a quiet life, and that she would improve with age.

So, last year, I began to detach, slowly. I became less available. I didn't react when she took her anger out on me. I walked away. I ignored. I let her struggle. It was horrible. But it was better than being a verbal punchbag.

Slowly, her maturity and ability to cope with anger has improved. She still, occasionally, flies off on one, and I still, on occasion, react, but its better. We have a much better relationship these days; she even comes to me now with suggestions of going shopping, for lunch, etc. I never, ever thought that would happen.

She's finally realising that I won't be walked over anymore; she's off to uni in a couple of weeks, 3 hours away. People say "oh, that'll do her good, she'll realise what she had".
I feel sad that it's taken that to make it better.

What I'm saying is, I wish I'd started the process of detaching earlier. It would have been better for both of us.

Sorry, I've rambled my thoughts down, but I know how hard it is. (Join us on the long-running thread for support of parents of teens?)

LucyLocketLostHerPocket Tue 23-Aug-16 13:34:22

3cats - so sad but relieved to know I'm one of many. I'm going to try and let her come to me rather than me trying to talk to her. I wasn't an easy teen but my mum had awful depression and mental health problems so we grew up in a difficult atmosphere and my mums personal appearance, housekeeping etc led to lots of bullying etc. I'm the opposite, I look pretty good I think for my age and look after myself. I keep a lovely home and we spend lots of time together as a family but whatever I do it's never enough.

User545454 Tue 23-Aug-16 16:00:27

My DD hates me also grinI hated my mum at this age , I remember EVERYTHING she did almost repulsed me , the way she ate, yawned literally everything I wished for different parents. Now I get on great with her and there was no reason for my burning hatred I was a nasty irrational cow for at least 10 years blush. DD hates me a bit less in the last few weeks I find I've relaxed more I have almost taken the emotion out of it and will offer for her to spend quality time with me but don't feel as bad when she refuses, if she says all the I fucking hate you stuff I say "that's nice love you to" I find being sarcastic throws her a bit and she laughs or gives up! I point blank ignore her if she continues and take the dog out for ages I have also put very inflexible rules in place so she can't keep trying to move me! I'm hoping it passes soon as it really is like treading on eggshells in your own home. My DD unlike yours isn't pleasant to others and is also on the brink of exclusion due to her temper and thinks nothing of crying and screaming , hitting walls etc in school/public so with her I feel it's less manipulative and more an impulse control issue as she does have ADHD. It must be hard when it's only aimed at you and hope things improve , happy summer holidays wink

LucyLocketLostHerPocket Tue 23-Aug-16 18:16:38

Thank user - mine has no excuse. She's just a teen I guess. Lovely when she's getting her way and vile the rest of the time. I think sometimes because we're a nice happy family and she's able to do things I could only dream of at her age she has to create the drama. We don't buy lots of clothes and stuff but she has a horse and we do lots of things. She doesn't really haven't anything to rebel against or feel truly hard done by - it's tough apparentlywink

CAFFF1964 Tue 23-Aug-16 18:39:49

hi Lucy,

You are not alone. Our DD is approaching 15 and over the last few months has become extremely argumentative, has an answer for everything! I have become the person who apparently knows nothing, doesn't understand and doesn't care, which hurts enormously. DD is an only child, and we have always tried not to spoil her but to teach her good life values, and up until recently, she has been a wonderful daughter who has been loads of fun and has a great sense of humour. She suffered from nasty anxiety/panic attacks last year and from what she has said about them, she feels that all the crying she did last year was a weakness, and she won't allow herself to cry in front of anyone ever again. She has become very hard nosed and if we fall out in a big way, she never seems to be particularly bothered - it's me who gets upset.

I am going to take some advice from this thread and take a step back from her (which will be hard). I will also try to ignore the comments, unless they are disrespectful, in which case there will be consequences (I feel my role as taxi driver may be withdrawn!!).

Try to stay positive - it's hard, but I think our girls will come back to us eventually!

Feel free to message me if you fancy a chat.

User545454 Tue 23-Aug-16 18:43:35

I had no excuse though but I was utterly bike to my DM. She likes to bring it up every time we meet now and watch me cringe blush

User545454 Tue 23-Aug-16 18:43:53

Or vile damn spell check!

LucyLocketLostHerPocket Wed 24-Aug-16 19:09:36

I love the mumsnet community, I don't feel like the odd one out here. I seem to live in a town populated by wonderful teens who love their mum and dad and it makes talking to anyone in RL very hard.

meowli Wed 24-Aug-16 19:16:59

I always hoped her teenage years would be easier.

I don't think that ever happens. sad Now maybe, just maybe, when she leaves the teenage years behind her, it will be a different matter. Just hang in there!

User545454 Wed 24-Aug-16 22:29:38

Same, I have actually become quite isolated from friends over DD, they just don't get it. All my friends teens are polite, hardworking, helpful and loving , makes you feel a bit judged!

Peebles1 Thu 25-Aug-16 00:33:12

I think I've found who my real friends are. My so called 'best friend' just didn't seem to get it at all. Hardly bothered to ask after how DD was or how I was over the past four, very difficult years. Really hasn't been there for me. Others have been fabulous.

User545454 Thu 25-Aug-16 09:01:07

I'm down to one , I get the whole "cor if my DD did that, in fact she wouldn't dare", well lucky you but mine does dare daily I try sanctions, rewards in many forms she still dares and things like removing phone results in her running away.

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