Hi! I'm new here, I've been looking for advice forums for a while, so I'm glad to have found this!
I have one child, a son turning 17 this week, and we've always had a close parent-child relationship. The thing is, we have very limited family. I was given to my grandparents when I was a toddler, they are now both deceased, I have no aunts or uncles, nor any siblings. I tried establishing a relationship with my biological mother, however, that only ended in legal issues and an IRS audit. (She stole our Social Security numbers and used them for fraud. For some reason, the burden is on US to prove it was her, and not on the IRS to prove it was me.. I don't know why I expected anything different, she did something similar to my grandparents.)
Either way, his father and I divorced shortly after he was born, and he hasn't any contact with him since. His father even penalized his current step children for being fiends with our son. To say things have been rough would be an understatement, but I make up for it in every way I can. I have a degree, had a very good paying job, provided my son with the most comfortable life I could. We traveled together, I spent time fostering any interests he had like music and sports. I've even took the time to get to know his friends to help create a place where they can hang out and feel comfortable being who they are.
But then I was diagnosed with a degenerative nerve disorder. I lost my job, lost the ability to walk and slowly but surely, I'm losing the ability to even care for myself, let alone a teenager. The US doesn't have a very good safety net, despite me working since the day I was legally able to, paying for my own college and "doing everything the right way", we were still told No by the Social Security Disability Administration, because according to the judge "my race can't be trusted, so regardless of what his own medical examiner says, he will never approve some one of my race". (And according to the SSDA, he is "well within his rights to decide that" and there is no recourse)
So, things are hard, and we're basically trying to survive as long as possible off my savings and retirement. I cut him a TON of slack because I understand this isn't the average situation, and I understand being a teen is hard enough without worrying about your only parent dying, or having a roof over your head, etc. And he's not rude, doesn't do drugs or drink, doesn't get in trouble with the law, etc. So where is the issue you may be wondering?
Since he was 11, he's had 2 chores he has to do, and I explained why he has to do them; To learn how to do these things while he has help, so he can do them when he lives alone. When he was younger it was vacuum and help with the laundry, then it moved to take out the trash and do dishes. And there is the stand still. He did those chores for a while, but now that I'm getting worse, he's come out and said "If you can't do it, why should I?" He knows I can't follow him when he takes his laptop into his room and ignores me. He knows that I can't reach the sink, nor can I navigate with the trash, I can't reach the knobs on the washer anymore, and it all frustrates me. It frustrates me to no end that he refuses to help at all, he refuses to do any chores claiming he won't do any until I can do them again. He gets upset when he sees me crying in frustration about everything going on, so I know it's not just him being heartless, but I just don't know how to motivate him to help. I can't afford to spend what little I have left to hire a housekeeper, and I don't think I should have to.
Any suggestions on how to fix this? (And yes, I have sat down and asked him directly, what will motivate him, and he said "I don't know". Also, his grades tanked this year, but I'm hoping it's just the impact of everything going on and him attending a school he didn't like. He's registered for a new school this year, so I'm hoping that helps.)
Thank you and sorry this is so long!
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Teenagers
Picking and choosing battles is no longer working.
2 replies
TenshiChan · 09/08/2016 09:33
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