What to do now?

[lwtblblwtblb]

Hi, I have been having ongoing battles with my 17 year old daughter for months now! Firstly, when she's at home she is always picking fights with me and telling me how vile I am because I have rules and won't budge on some of them. I don't have many, but I would like her to treat me and her dad with respect and respect that she lives in our home so needs to abide by the few rules that there are. Aside from this the types of other problems I have are;

Neglecting her rabbits and expecting me to look after them

On her day off work I get home from work and find the kitchen a bomb site and dishes and cups just left on the floor. I end up cleaning up so that I can cook tea-she can't be bothered to empty the dishwasher

Completely disregarding any house rules regarding times to be in

Instead of clean putting washing away she chucks it on the floor of her bedroom-which is always a mess and eventually it ends up back in the washing basket clean

I pay her to do my hair (she is a hairdresser) but having bought everything she needs she doesn't turn up to do it

I have gone as guarantor for her car insurance and she refuses to pay me

Anyway, everything came to a head last weekend, she came home on Sunday after staying at her boyfriends and not bothering to let us know until the early hours (she only passed her test at the end of April and we worry) and started on me for getting cross with her about what she did and wouldn't leave it alone-she kept pushing and pushing for a fight and eventually I cracked and asked her to leave and she did. I have spoken to her briefly since and I know that she is safe, but I don't like it at all. I've also told her what is expected if she is going to live here but she just ignores what I say.. Also I am trying to organise her 18th birthday meal for the family (which is now 2 weeks away) but she won't even tell me if she is going to turn up. I would really appreciate any suggestions that anyone has! Thanks

[CatyB]

Have you actually considered that you have given her too much freedom in the first place? I don't imagine this behaviour started suddenly ...

[lwtblblwtblb]

Catyb. I can see this is how it looks, however until 6 months ago she was with a boy that she had been with through most of school. Together they always did as I asked and came in on time. Sleepovers were mainly at ours so there was no need for really strict rules. When they first split she was very upset and I gave her the space to be upset. I mainly took the brunt of it. Even though she has moved on, the aggression towards me mainly and the can't be bothered with anything attitude has still continued. I have tried to talk to her about it for a while but she just gets aggressive again.

[BackforGood]

I have to say, although it's not the 'perfect MN child', I see little in your OP that isn't pretty typical of most teens. Certainly not 'throwing them out' behaviour.
They go through stages of being somewhat thoughtless, but, to be frank, if that's all my teens are doing wrong, I reckon I've done a pretty good job.
I would ensure any debts are paid, but really not get worked up about messy rooms / not unloading the dishwasher.

[lwtblblwtblb]

TBH I thought I would just try this forum to get some practical advice on what to do next. It is the overall attitude, aggression and thoughtlessness that is the problem here. One problem, such as emptying the dishwasher I would overlook, but not all of it. Clearly some people think it's about pointing out and trivialising what she is doing as opposed to offering advice, which is what I desperately need. I will try elsewhere.

[antiqueroadhoe]

I think leave her be for the moment. She doesn't want to dance to your tune at the moment so don't bother trying to organise the 18th birthday. Could you instead give her some money to organise her own evening? Perhaps she doesn't want family there.

[antiqueroadhoe]

I think for car insurance if she is supposed to pay you and hasn't then can you cancel it and get the keys back?

[BackforGood]

Well, sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but that is my advice - to put it in perspective....... she's 17. She's holding down a job. She's been motivated enough to get driving lessons / pass her test. She's being thoughtless and maybe stroppy, but there's a whole heap of positives even in what you've written in your OP

[CodyKing]

He tough - lock the door at 2am
Withdraw the car insurance and have it redirected
Stop planning the meal

You are chasing after her and she's running!

You need her to come to you not the other way round.

Sell the rabbits if she's not looking after them - stop picking up the slack

If the kitchens a mess - you go eat out and leave her to it