Sorry this is very long.
My teenager (15, year 10) has been self-harming for the past couple of years. He’s also suffering from panic attacks and anxiety (which is being controlled to an extent with propanolol). We’ve had a lot of interventions from CAMHS, including 1-to-1 counselling, group sessions, family therapy, and awaiting a referral for DBT. We’re also waiting for an appointment at the Tavistock and Portland gender clinic as he’s transgender (this is fairly recent, he was born a girl and came out to me last summer, to everyone else last December) but there is a long waiting list and the appointment is not likely to be until November. He’s also getting a lot of support from the school counsellor.
He hates going to school, which is a shame as he’s really clever and capable academically (although like many teens I guess, lazy as well). His attendance this year has been quite bad, between all the appointments we’ve got to attend which always seem to be during the school day, various illnesses, regular migraines (now under control) and the days when he just won’t go to school. When this happens I try to persuade him to go, sometimes it works, other times not, and there really isn’t much I can do as I can’t physically force him, even if I wanted to (he’s taller and stronger than me). He’s always struggled with friendships, he’s finally found one best friend but has hardly any contact with anyone else from school. I should add that he’s at a girls’ school, who I can’t fault when it comes to dealing with the gender issue, they have been great.
He has a very bad relationship with his father, actually none at all as he has chosen to no longer have any contact (long story). No siblings or stepparent.
He doesn’t seem to enjoy anything anymore and spends his free time sleeping or on his phone/laptop. He has been given “skill to increase positive feelings” by CAMHS but says they don’t work for him.
Today was a bad day. He self-harmed at school for the first time and cried in front of his head of year (he rarely cries, and certainly not in front of teachers). When he got home I attempted a conversation about his feelings, but as usual it ended with him refusing to engage. It’s either that or we end up arguing. He’s very all-or-nothing. He no longer takes any pleasure from things that he used to love, for instance playing the piano. He’s no virtuoso but he’s very musical and used to love playing the piano. Now, he’s so self critical, says he’s crap at it (not true), doesn’t practice anymore, compares himself to others constantly (friend X who’s been playing 3 weeks and is a grade 8, you get the idea...). To me it looks as if he’s depressed but CAMHS are saying it’s not depression, it’s low moods. What do I know.
I think maybe I have been too soft lately, as he'd been really ill and I eased up on some stuff like chores, but we don't seem to have gone back to normal. I recently allowed him his laptop/phone in his bedroom during the day (he has to bring them downstairs at bedtime), with the result that I hardly see him at all anymore as he disappears upstairs as soon as he's home, and I have been lax in enforcing things like piano practice and bedtime even. So this is my plan of action:
- Strict 10pm bedtime during the week (relaxed at weekends)
- I will change the wifi password every day and he can have it when he has done his chores (emptying the dishwasher, feeding the cat, walking the dog for at least 30 minutes), practiced the piano for at least 20 minutes and done something else creative for at least 15 minutes (I don’t care what, writing, drawing, painting, knitting, as long as it doesn’t involve a screen).
I’m not mentioning homework as it’s nearly the holidays but next year is GCSE year so from September the above list will also include homework and revision.
Does that seem OK, or is it too harsh? Too lax? It’s hard to tell.
Sorry for the mammoth post, I didn’t want to leave anything relevant out (I could have put loads more though), well done if you’ve made it this far
It’s been really helfpful actually to put everything on paper, it’s made me see things a lot more clearly but if anyone has anything to say please do. I’ll welcome any input.
