Why is my 11yr old lying

(6 Posts)
ktfsmith Tue 12-Jul-16 09:02:21

Please help me
In a very small but bursting at the seams nutshell....my 11yr old has told her father that she has a terrible life at home and is always told off and is soooo hard done by!! She has 'embellished' on the truth about lots of situations and told maybe 5% of a whole story to him so that he feels sorry for her!! The problem is he believes every word that she says and fuels her dramatic fire even more. She could literally tell him that she is kept under the stairs and her would believe her!!
He is not a reasonable normal thinking person who has any idea how a pre teens mind works so dealing with him or even just sitting to speak to him is not an option. He laughs and shouts me down infront of her.
Don't get me wrong sometimes she hasn't lied....yes she will get shouted at and told off....but what she doesn't explain is why...when shes told to do something 5 times and still doesnt for example! But he doesn't think like an adult to question these things.
We have had to involve the police because he has threatened us and now he is saying he is going to involve ss. Surely in my mind they will see she is a dramatic 11yr old hormonal girl who just doesn't realize the enormity of the things she is saying.

ChocolateJam Tue 12-Jul-16 12:55:27

My DD will lie about her health and her home life, and the only reason we can see is to get attention. Your DD lying is obviously a problem but so is her father's gullibility. Could you organise some therapy for her? A good child psychologist should be able to get to the bottom of the behaviour and also communicate the reality to your DD's father.

corythatwas Tue 12-Jul-16 14:52:42

I am not sure she is doing anything out of the normal: she is an emotional hormonal little girl who is describing the world as it looks to her at that very moment. The reason this is causing problems is because her dad is not a normal sensible adult. But that is hardly her fault. It is not her job to put everything she says in context for somebody who doesn't think like an ordinary adult.

Even as adults we expect to be able to come home and have a bit of a rant after a bad day at work without expecting to put everything in context. We don't always say "but of course my line manager only said that because he had already had to pull me up about this". And we can mostly get away with it, because the sensible adults who surround us can tell the difference between a rant and a serious problem.

I am sure SS will be much better equipped to talk to a preteen girl; they see enough of them.

ktfs Wed 13-Jul-16 06:57:22

thanks both
We are trying to get thro to her the importance of telling the truth and of telling the WHOLE truth.
I don't want to seem to be wasting SS time by jus 'asking them to have a word'!!!
I will be speaking to her dad today and asking him to try to carry on the lesson we are teaching but I know he's going to say we have forced her to admit that she lied. She is staying with him for a week at the beginning of the holidays and it worries me what she will say while she is there and the consequences of if he believes her.
I cannot suggest that he googles 'parenting a preteen' or anything similar because he doesn't take any help as he thinks he knows everything already....unfortunately seeing her once a fortnight does not give you a true picture of her. Of course shes going to be well behaved for him its one night and she will get everything she asks for, of course shes not going to be grumpy in the morning she hasn't got to get up and out of the door on time for school.
He just doesn't understand and its exhausting having to go thro this every couple of weeks.
Me and my partners relationship is suffering because his and her relationship is at an all time low- obviously because she is telling tales about him to get a rise out of her father so that he can panda to her drama!
ggggrrrrrr!!!!!!

fieldfare Wed 13-Jul-16 07:07:20

Kds this is so familiar to me. Dd is 13, we've been through all the drama you mention. Down to Dd deciding that because we have rules, boundaries and expectations of attitude and behaviour, her stepdad and I are "abusive".
This was encouraged by her father and stepmother. We buy her clothes and the things she needs - because we're horrible and making up for how we treat her by buying her things. We have rules and expectations of respect and kindness - because we're mean and don't want her to have any fun. We tell her off, put sanctions in place and basically try to raise her to be a pleasant, intelligent member of society - because we're snobs, look down on others and are abusive to her because we don't let her do as she pleases.
It's maddening, has made me go grey and the toll on the relationship between Dd and my Dh has been terrible. We're just coming out of the other side, but it has taken quite a lot of hard work and chats - the more mature she is the easier it is becoming and she understands more and is seeing how they have emotionally manipulated her over the last ten years.

All you can do is keep on doing what you're doing, keep on communicating with him and pointing out things that need addressing - easier by email, and if he involves SS then so be it.

ktfs Wed 13-Jul-16 10:50:54

fieldfare this is like a breath of fresh air.... I have searched for so long for a thread similar to my situation and you have just typed my life in one paragraph.
I have just called him to check times for her to be back tonight and its like nothing has happened 'yes that's fine' ' ok no problem' Its like the twilight zone!! Until the next time!!!
I have asked him to reiterate the importance of not lying and to please get on board with this because its important she knows the effect it could have on people around her and he was surprisingly ok with it.
im hoping that by mentioning that she has pulled the wool over his eyes and made him look a bit of a fool as well that maybe (fingers crossed) it has hit a bit of a nerve with him.... I do doubt it will last but wel see!!
I worry about ss being involved because what if they believe her as well? I know they are professionals but what if it goes wrong and they say she can go live with him? I have said before part of me wants to ring them and check im doing this right and please if I am not then tell me how I am ment to discipline my own child, tell me what bed time is acceptable and tell me that telling her to go to her room when she misbehaves is wrong if it is...by all means come round and spot check me at 3 in the morning if you want to but please if you do it to me then make sure you do it to him as well, and then maybe they will see the caliber of person we are dealing with.

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