Asking Ds1 to move out

[lilybetsy]

Ds1 will be 18 in 2 months. He is very difficult to live with and has zero respect for me, my partner or his younger siblings. He steals from us and lies. At present he has no job, and no qualifications.

The stress in the house is enormous when he is home

would it be awful of me to help fund him a studio flat a short distance from home. A place where he could stay and I wouldn't be constantly on edge. I could see him often, even do his washing, but he would not live in the family home.

I actually think it might improve relations which are strained to breaking point right now

Or does it make me a terrible mother that I could even think such a thing ?

[Haffdonga]

No. it doesn't make you a terrible mother. Many other mothers on this board would suggest booting out your ds without funding him a flat but I can see why you'd want to do that.

Why isn't he working or contributing to the household? As part of the agreement to set him up in his own place will you expect him to find himself a job or do a course? Are you just acting as a doormat and rolling out the red carpet of rent free accommodation with no obligations? I'd like that

[meowli]

Or does it make me a terrible mother that I could even think such a thing?

No, of course it doesn't. I'm sure many parents of teenagers daydream about a nice little annexe/studio/converted garage for their offspring to inhabit.

How would he support himself, though? Even if you paid the rent on a flat, which is quite a commitment, he would still have living expenses, unless you would be subsidising him with those, too. Is he actively looking for work atm, or thinking of further education?

[lilybetsy]

Hes looking for work (halfheartedly), He stays out 4 night a week approx, living on someones floor. When he doers come home he creates chaos.

He failed his GCSE's, he went back to college and did absolutely no work so will have failed them again. (as in he did not complete the course work so he cannot pass) he has no money now as I am not giving him any, although I am paying for his phone

Im going to wait till he has some kind of work and then get agreement for him to pay 1/2 the rent and I will stump up the rest. I will continue to support him practically -

[FinallyHere]

'I'm going to wait til he has some kind of job, then....'

Its not easy, but i don't see how this is going to motivate him to get a job. Why not stay living off you?

[teaandcake789]

nope I think what you are doing is perfectly understandable. I fully expect all my children to move out shortly after leaving full time education and support themselves. and they know this too but also there will always be a hot meal, a washing machine and a bed for a night should they ever need or want it. he's almost an adult now and you should treat him like one too. why are you even paying his phone bill?
have you considered officially evicting him and asking your local council to find him a bedsit? can he apply for jobseekers allowance? sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and forcing him to step up and take ownership of his life might just be the making of him

[DereksGotATail]

Why are you still paying for his phone?
Perfectly reasonable to ask him to leave, it doesn't make you a bad mother.

[lilybetsy]

Im paying for the phone as its on a contract, and I cant stop - is there a way not to do this ? I would like NOT to be paying for it to encourage him to get a job...

[youcantakethegirloutof]

I totally understand why you would want to do this & doesn't make you a bad mother.

If you made him homeless he could present at the council - unlike previous poster he is unlikely to get bedsit but would probably be offered young people's hostel. He could claim JSA until he finds employment - I know many young people who have to learn to live on this.

[lilybetsy]

I have thought about making him homeless,but he is likley to end up in a really revolting place, and I do not think he would cope at all. The hostels are also a long ways away form us, an would like to be able to keep an eye on him. So my thought is a cheap bedsit - close by, ... I dont want to 'lose' him, I want to help, but at the moment everyone is stressed to fuck and its a nightmare. he will not do ONE THING to help himself so him leaving is the only option I think

[HSMMaCM]

If you get him a flat, where is his incentive to get a job. What if he doesn't? Do you pay the rent and buy all his food and pay his bills? You might live to regret this! A short time in a hostel might help him appreciate you all more and get himself out to work.