Was this a really awful thing for DS1 to say?

(26 Posts)
LynetteScavo Sun 26-Jun-16 19:33:28

Or am I over reacting?

DS1 is 17. He is diagnosed as on the Autistic Spectrum. That is no excuse or reason for what he's said to me, but damn, we fought for that diagnosis!

We have fought for DS1 from the moment he was conceived. I lived a somewhat "fast" lifestyle when he was conceived. I had a very large disposable income. I had a 60 hour a week job 70 miles from home. I liked to party, and basically spend my money having a good time and nice things.

When I announced my pregnancy not one person said "Congratulations". Several people suggested an abortion. My boss stood with an open mouth for at least 5 minutes longer than is polite.

I gave up my job as soon as I could take maternity leave. I stopped smoking and drinking immediately. I ate only organic food. I diligently took fish oils and vitamins. I nearly lost DS1when I had a kidney infection at 23 weeks pregnant and spent a week on a drip. It was the most horrendous birth. I was traumatised, and with hindsight could have done with some counselling. DS1 was a "difficult" baby. I would never have used that word, or "demanding". But he was hungry and needy. He sucked every ounce of fat off me which then I saw as a bonus bun now realise wasn't healthy.

But he was gorgeous, and perfect. I love him with every cell of my body.

I was determined to give him the best. Not just the best but THE BEST. If you search hard enough, you will probably find posts where I lament when he was 12yo that I didn't sent him to a top public school, despite many of his less bright peers going there. But we did go to a lot of effort to find the right school for him, knowing he wouldn't walk out with all A*, but he would be happy.

He has struggled with school, especially when younger. He school refused. He was "challenging" "willful" and "off task" for years.

He did very well OK in his GCSEs then decided in February 6th form was too much, and hasn't really left his bedroom since.

Anyway, Sunday evening dinner. I jokingly told of my disappointment at getting a sleeping bag for my 18th birthday. DH jokingly told of his frustration of having to wait 9 months for set he's paid his parents for with his pocket money, but they kept on saying it hadn't arrived in the post, then gave him the set + his money on Christmas day.

We asked the DC what their most disappointing present has been. DS2 said "I don't want to say, but I really liked getting a drum kit, and a road bike both second hand and £50 each.

DS1 said "My birth. Definitely the worst thing ever on my birthday was just being born."

I said I couldn't say what I wanted to in reply becuase DS2 was there. DH was just shock. DS1 left the room, and I did explain to DS2, why I was upset, and DS2 was obviously very uncomfortable.

Please tell me I'm over reacting by crying. DS1 is 17, and DH says he just thought he was being funny and clever.

Whendoesitstop Sun 26-Jun-16 19:41:14

I think he was just joking around but j really do feel for you. We give up everything for our kids and then they come out with things like that, it is upsetting.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 26-Jun-16 19:46:25

Teenagers can be ungrateful wretches at timeshmmsmile

Dachshund Sun 26-Jun-16 19:49:44

flowers In the nicest possible way you are over reacting.

It's no excuse but I was a horrible shit of a teenager to my mum. I cringe and find it agonising to remember now, especially as I have a DD of my own these days and truly now know what it is like to love a child.

He doesn't mean it. He is going through puberty, and feeling ALL the feelings, hormones, stress of exams - everything. He's just letting off steam. It's a rude and hurtful comment certainly and he should have been pulled up on it IMHO.

Hopefully he will mature and become a more pleasant human being soon, for me it was when I moved out at 18. The ASD does add another level of perhaps crassness or a slight lack of empathy (I have personal experience of the whole spectrum of ASD) so you might not get the apology you deserve unless you expressly ask for it.

luckiestgirl Sun 26-Jun-16 19:55:23

Obviously it entirely depends on how he said it, but it is either a joke or a statement from a place of depression. It wasn't about you- teens don't really see their lives from the perspective of their parents so I don't agree he was being ungrateful. I don't think you need to make this about you.

lljkk Sun 26-Jun-16 20:08:09

It sounds like you take him too seriously, tbh. Teenagers say stupid insensitive things. it's what they do.

LynetteScavo Sun 26-Jun-16 20:11:54

I will try to see it as a joke.

He has no exams, so no stres--because he's bloody dropped out of 6th form-- but I can see he might be angry atm, rather than depressed I am constantly aware that he may be depressed, as I think he was when he as 8yo, and he was self harming. He's just spent a fab week in London staying with hip and trendy relatives while on work experience, and is now back in deepest, dullest suburbia. I totally get he sees his life as shit compared to what it could be if he got a degree and a job. which is the whole reason we sent him on work experience I exactly was the same at that age.

But I was the youngest of four, and my mother just rolled her eyes when I said such things.

I am over reacting. blush

LynetteScavo Sun 26-Jun-16 20:13:25

Sorry, I've just downed the rest of the bottle of wine. English is my first language!

LynetteScavo Sun 26-Jun-16 20:18:59

DH has muttered about DS1 being an ungrateful git, and says he will not pay for him to have anymore driving lessons until he passes his theory test.

DS is more than capable of passing the theory test, and the practical but is refusing to put himself in for the tests. DH suspects it's becuase he enjoys his hour practical lesson too much. And why should DH keep paying out for driving lessons when DS12 can't even empty the dishwasher while we're at work and DS1 is doing nothing? We promised him 10 lessons for his 17th birthday, but he's had way more than that now....I think DS is afraid of failing. DH thinks he's taking the piss.

It's all kicking off here this evening

SlinkyVagabond Sun 26-Jun-16 20:21:06

Don't stress too much, (although it hurts)my ds1 has AS (and various other problems) and I've lost count of the times he's brought me to tears through awful hurtful comments. However, one thing that strikes me is his withdrawal and isolation. (Had that too) How is he generally? Could he be depressed?

DramaAlpaca Sun 26-Jun-16 20:24:05

Given that he's dropped out of sixth form I'd be wondering about the possibility of depression. I say that because my own DS dropped out of school at the same age and it turned out it was due to depression. It's been a long road to get him well again, but we've got there.

I don't think what he said was in any way a criticism of you, OP. Certainly an insensitive thing to say, as teenagers often do, but not personal.

calamityjam Sun 26-Jun-16 20:26:16

They all come out with something along those lines at some point or other. I have 3 teens and 1 just turned 20, little one is 8. It is just a woe is me comment. By getting upset, you are giving him the reaction that he wants. I tend to say " Oh dear a bit too late to be whinging about that". He is, as you probably can tell, feeling a bit shit about himself at the moment because he dropped out of sixth form. My eldest ds did one year of sixth form and hated it. He took 4 difficult A levels and so he left. We got him into a local college instead and he started a B Tec in business and finance. He loved it. he left last year with 3 D*s and got a job as a trainee financial advisor/ mortgage advisor. Try to give him some options of what he is going to do in September. If he is close to 18 he will be out of compulsory education but the longer he is out of it, the harder is to get back in. Have you looked at aprenticeships if he enjoyed work experience?

ImperialBlether Sun 26-Jun-16 20:29:01

I thought he was going to say something a lot worse than that! It just sounds a really sorry-for-himself thing to say, but surely you could just say, "Oh well things aren't that bad!"

By the way, I don't think it's ever a good idea to ask children what they disliked about their past - the resulting answers will always hurt someone. It's the sort of thing to discuss with peers rather than parents/children, in my opinion.

lljkk Sun 26-Jun-16 20:30:17

omg, my teen DD kicked off yesterday because her little brothers wouldn't give her some sweets. Then she ranted (out loud & leaving guilt-tripping notes for me) that I never listen to her... because she thinks she wants a microscope. Her teacher mentioned that GCSE biology will involve a lot of microscope work. I fobbed her off eventually by saying we had to consult the teacher before we could possibly choose a (fecking totally unnecessary) microscope (that she will forget about next week).

Bless her for all her great qualities, she has a greedy needy streak.

LynetteScavo Sun 26-Jun-16 20:34:26

He could be depressed....when he was still at school he was very unhappy. Every time I went into his room I was scared I would find him dead.

He has met up with friends recently though, has plans to start a BTEC in September, which he seems positive about, and tells us the reason he was so lovely in our relatives home was that he was a GUEST, and he's not a guest at home...inf act he would never be a guest here, because if he lived somewhere else he would never visit us, apparently. hmm

He really is pretty happy, and jokey atm, and I am constantly aware of the possibility of him being depressed, but think he's OK. Which is good...I'd far rather him make a one of flippant comment than be depressed. smile

Even DH can see it took a while for DS1 to heal after leaving 6th form, and agreed dropping out was the right thing to do...but he's OK now. And sitting around....doing nothing.... being rude.

He genuinely has not idea how difficult he was when younger.....which can only be a good thing. smile I over reacted.

10yo DD has also thrown a spoil brat massive tantrum today because we wouldn't jump out of bed to make her pancakes. It's worn me down.

LynetteScavo Sun 26-Jun-16 20:35:59

By the way, I don't think it's ever a good idea to ask children what they disliked about their past

I agree....I instantly knew we were all on thin ice...then DS2 handled it so well.

LynetteScavo Sun 26-Jun-16 20:39:10

lol @ the microscope!

10yo DD has huge screaming fits about sweets. hmm

We have a telescope that DS1 used once for looking at the moon but no microscope. DS1 managed to get a B in Biology with no microscope. I had no idea he might have needed one or I would have rushed out and got the best one grin

calamityjam Sun 26-Jun-16 20:40:16

It gets like that in our house too Op. Honestly Ds became a different person once he started his Btec. He says they treated him like an adult instead of a little naughty kid. He was a complete horror at 15 to 18 but college gave him some independence and a part time job helped too. If you met him today, you would think that I was lying, he is funny, clever and ace to be around and I am so proud of him.

bakeoffcake Sun 26-Jun-16 20:42:58

Sorry y to be blunt but if my child had dropped out of sixth form, hadn't been out of their room for 6 months and said he wished he hadn't been born I'd be making an appt at the Drs. You also say he's been depressed and self harmed before.

Talk to him and get him some help.
And why do you feel the need to write oar shrooms about all the effort and sarifuces you've made for him. Every single parent has done that.

Batteriesallgone Sun 26-Jun-16 20:47:43

My impression is that you think he's being insensitive but you've managed to take his 'I hate my life' and make it all about you. That's pretty insensitive....

Either it was a flippant, silly thing to say in which case you roll your eyes like your mother, or it has some truth to it in which case you worry about him being depressed etc which I see you are.

I don't see how feeling that he's being bloody ungrateful because you gave up a party lifestyle and he was a difficult baby is relevant really. Your pregnancy and his babyhood was your decision. He's just on the cusp of being adult enough to make big decisions, of course he doesn't understand what having a baby is like. Just...irrelevant.

bakeoffcake Sun 26-Jun-16 20:48:22

Sorry Xposted.

If he's generally happy and jokey atm and looking forward to starting his Btech then hopefully he will be getting out and about and will feel better.

bakeoffcake Sun 26-Jun-16 20:49:28

Please excuse all my typos!

rogueantimatter Sun 26-Jun-16 21:27:44

I hope this thread is making you feel better about him.

My 17YO DS also has aspergers. His speciality is to appear to be rude by asking questions about things he doesn't understand in a very blunt way such as, "What's the point of..." "What's good about..." "What's the point of..?"

He also had a horrible three years at primary school.

One thing that I identified with in one of your posts was your comment about your DS not getting round to putting himself in for his theory test. This is my DS all over too. I had to nag on and on at him to make a video - just on is phone , just a recording really - for something that he really really wanted to do. (Eventually he got it done and was literally jumping with joy when he was accepted). If your DS is like mine he probably has no resilience and quickly spirals down if he feels something isn't going well or is difficult. So he might be acting out of bravado sometimes.

I don't think you should take his comment seriously. As other posters have said, the combination of ASD and adolescence can be gruesome.

LynetteScavo Sun 26-Jun-16 21:28:20

Batteriesallgone Of course you're right.

I stupidly forget that DS1 don't have any idea about anything when he was younger. Which is how it should be. I should just be grateful we are in such a calm place now.

TBH, we haven't made the same sacrifices for DS2, bakeoffcake. When DS2 was born, we were much better off financially, have never made any sacrifices for him. He's always been incredibly straightforward and easy. The poor lad was totally embarrassed about what DS1 said. He saw the hurt on my face and went bright red.

I shouldn't have made it about me, but it's the end of the month and I have no money left because I've spent it all on the DC including getting DD though her bloody flute exam which she does't care about which is totally my choice, and I realise I may need reassess my prioritise as I risk becoming bitter.

Batteriesallgone Sun 26-Jun-16 22:58:05

I think you need to take some time for yourself OP. Dragging up old memories of struggling during babyhood - is this your mind screaming at you that you can't cope with him anymore? That you've done enough, you're out? If so is there any chance you can get away for a bit, see a friend, clear your head? It's quite corrosive in any relationship to bring up past sacrifices in a 'you owe me, start compensating' sort of way but especially damaging to parent/child relationships IMO.

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