Depression coping with and homework anxieities

[sharonjw2002]

Hello. mixed bag first time mum to a teenager. Would love some advice i've been theres and suggestions......
(my background: i'm divorced mid 40s no full time partner at home with us and no other children. Shes not a bad child but no angel either. i think just a little confused and typical teenager with a mental health issue and just come out as lesbian. i've got it all on my plate i guess?......)

DD has just turned 14. for last year struggling on and off (more on) with self harm depression and anxiety. receiving 2nd round of counselling at the moment
is anyone in a similar situation at the moment and how are you coping and suggestions how to be that extra supportive and understanding without coming over oh get over yourself its just hormones.
i'm nearing the end of my tether . could be fine one minute then the next down and moody and 3/10 on the cheery scale (as i call it). Managed to get her to a 4 before she went to bed. She self harmed this morning which broke my heart. i'm trying my best without getting the shutup you are p* me off response. tho she did say whilst doing her nails that she thinks i finally get her. i'm doing something right i guess. just i'm trying to get a handle on it but want to be better for her. work fulltime and try hardest to be there for her but repetitive pattern of sleep work/school homework dinner and bed.....

2nd bit of my bag - - homework and GCSEs. just gone into yr 10. please .... i would love to have some suggestions here how to cope with this! I really am struggling to keep it together as i dont want to see her fail and i'm becoming pushy and its backfiring a little i guess. i've put a reward system in place which she seems ok with. any encouragement / advice on being a parent on this. if she doesnt do the homework its her to suffer the consequences? tho she becomes immune to them. she got lots of detentions last term for missed homework and i guess i dont want her to go down that road again. its making me really stressed out and upset as i constantly fought with her senior teachers last year and received phone calls and letters from school.

Thank you to all in advance.

[Peebles1]

Sorry you've had no replies. That's a tough situation Sharon, especially when it's just the two of you so it must get pretty intense.

You sound like you're doing a great job and have a good relationship with her. Especially if she's saying you 'get her'. Keep talking, keep supporting, let her know she can come to you about anything and you won't be shocked.

School is a nightmare at that age (and beyond I'm afraid). It's really hard not to come over as nagging, and there are endless debates on MN as to whether we should take the hardline approach or stand back and let them take the consequences. Every situation is different, but hardline didn't work with my DD and made her more anxious. Lots of chats, lots of biting my tongue while she didn't revise/do homework, and lots of gentle encouragement and help when she did actually work. Because of the anxiety I felt we had to take pressure off her, not add to it (school put enough pressure on really).

I've no experience of self harming. DD did once but not again. But others may be along with advice.

I've got a cheek replying to you when I'm always posting about DD (now 18), but things have slowly improved since year 10. She might act like she hates you sometimes and drive you mad, but she loves and needs you so keep remembering that.

[sharonjw2002]

Thank you for your response. to have support and just advice helps me and gives encouragement.

I think a lot of people shy away from depression and self harm. it is so hard and hits you like a bus as you never think your little one would ever suffer. I'm alone and just sometimes a I'm here or you are ok helps loads

take care x

[Kennington]

I remember this time we'll as a teenager.
The key for me was for home to be a place of safety.
With smart phones and the Internet that is more difficult these days - can you restrict use? Online bullying, jealous or fear of missing out and the perfection of Instagram can exacerbate issues too. Online many look like life is perfect. This isn't a cause but by removing the comparison it might help a little.
PMT for me could not be overestimated - it made my teenage life hell. Really bad. Check stuff like this too.

[eggcustard1]

I have been doing a fair bit of reading re this recently because of my own situation and chatting to friends with teens and older kids. I have come to the conclusion that the way that feels right for me at the moment is to be as supportive as possible. There is such an enormous amount of pressure on kids, from school, themselves, fear of failure etc that they need to be loved at home. It takes a great deal of patience but they need to find their own way and levels to become an adult and survive so I am trying to be there when needed and just keep feeding them, hugging when wanted, trying to be supportive but not the one driving things like choices etc. It won't be forever, this is yet another phase in parenting kids and I just keep reminding myself in the difficult times how much I do love them and actually, despite the back chat etc they actually do love us and don't think we are the enemy. I read on here something that stuck with me; they need the most love when they least deserve it.' It made sense to me.

[AlexandraLeigh]

The homework issue is something most teenagers have a problem with. Unfortunately I have found that there's very little us parents can do about it. I've raised 5 children and could only get one of them to happily complete their homework. My 16 year old has probably only completed 10 pieces in her whole secondary education and honestly hasn't suffered from it, whereas my 14 year old is falling behind dreadfully.

I think the best that can be done is to tell your teenagers how important homework can be and sometimes just turning the wifi off works wonders.

As for the self harming issue, I know that many do this for attention or to fit in with friends. A lot of the time this can't always br solved (regarding it an actual problem rather than attention) but instead you should encourage that wounds are cleaned and that you will love no matter what.

I do suggest that you try not to show how it hurts you as teenagers could feel regretful that they could cause harm to you and it may lead to further SH.

I'm so sorry you're in this unfortunate decision, a lot of the time you'll find have at these things will slice themselves. Best of wishes x

[t875]

We focas on the subjects that she is more worried about and work on that she knows it to feel confident in class. We have emailed the teacher to see how we can help if she has any gaps.
We keep an eye a fair bit making sure she isn't over whelmed. We also have a catch up every Saturday with her about how the week went
All the very best OP.
Is she struggling with school/ lessons? X

[t875]

I would also if you haven't already.
Check her mobile / messages and her social media.
Our daughter was looking at a website which encourages you to be skinny fasting etc which we have
Now blocked. Tumblr is blocked also.
It's not always your child they could be taking on bigger problems involving friends hence checking messages etc.
Hope you can get her to start to feel better xx