No boys or upset friends mother?

[1stworldproblemss]

My daughter and step daughter, both 16, had their last exam today and have their leavers assembly Friday and then they are finished with school!! Other than collecting results, their "graduation" if you want to call it that and the 2 years minimum of college they have to do of course haha.

To celebrate exams ending and the long 5 hellish year of school finally being over they are having a party on Saturday. I said a max of 10-15 friends each but being at the same school, in the same year and having serval classes together they have a few of the same friends so I'm not sure how many are actually going to be there.

There will be alcohol, all parents I've spoken to are okay with this and will supply their children with alcohol they feel is appropriate. My eldest son,19 and his girlfriend,18 will be supervising which they are okay with as they have a good relationship with the girlfriend and it's better than having parents around I trust they will make sure everything goes smoothly. My other son,18 and step son,17 will be around the house some where and free to join the party if they want to party with 16 year olds. Me and my partner will be at a "party" of our own at a friends house down the street until the party ends about 1am.

As the party is going on quite late some parents can't do lifts and as me and partner will be drinking and possibably all my other children will have had 1 or 2 drinks none of us will be able to do lifts either, we decided to allow a few kids to stay the night. They have planned to get the bedding off their bed and get together all spare bedding, pillows and blankets together and all have a sleepover in the lounge. Not that that bit was really relevant haha

So far we have 4 girls and 3 boys staying the night. One of the boys is my step daughters boyfriend and the 2 others are his friends who are staying so it isn't 1 boy and 6 girls.

Problem is my daughters best friends mum has text me this evening to say she is not comfortable with the boys being there for the sleepover. I replied and told her this has been the plan for ages and she was aware, it might be a bit late to tell the boys they can no longer stay but I do understand her worries. I explained to her that it will be 9 of them all together all on the living room floor so nothing dodgy should happen. She has said she will not stop her daughter going to the party or sleeping over as she doesn't want to be a party pooper but she will be extremely upset if the boys still stay after she has told me she is unhappy. She is a pretty chilled out mum, she allows sleepovers between our daughters almost every non school night and is relaxed about most things so for her to text me and say this it must mean a lot to her.

Her daughter and mine have been close friends for the longest time so the mum is a close friend of ours and I would hate to cause trouble. But I also don't want to upset any of the boys and their parents. My step daughter would be pretty upset too as this was going to be her first sleepover with her boyfriend as my rule for boyfriend/girlfriend sleep overs is 16+ and left school. So I'm at a bit of a loss what to do. Like I said, this has been the plan for about a month now and I know her mum knew this so why has she only expressed her concerns 2 days before

She lives close by so if needs be me, my partner or one of my sons could walk her home. My eldest son has told me he is happy to walk with my daughter and her friend back to friends house but then she might feel left out from sleepover. The boys are able to get a lift home so they could go and it just be a girls sleepover and then step daughter has her boyfriend to sleep over the next night as their won't be school the next day. But again I don't want to exclude them from a sleepover they were invited too.

Ahh I'm just so confused haha! Please any one offer me advice on what to do!

Bit of a long one this, sorry! Thank you.

[Wolfiefan]

If she isn't happy or is up to her to collect her daughter. She doesn't want to be a party pooper? FGS! She's a parent. Either let her go or not. She can't tell you to ban people from the sleepover.
(Though it does sound like a nightmare!!)

[susannahmoodie]

Um, my dcs are only little, so maybe I'm. It qualified to say this but I do work with teens and I would not be supplying 16yos with alcohol and I think "dodgy" ie sexual activity will be pretty much guaranteed.

But I agree she can pick her child up.

[tribpot]

I think the best friend needs to go home if her mum isn't happy about the sleepover. I wouldn't be either given the ages of everyone involved. However, it is thoroughly unreasonable of her (the mum that is) to expect you to uninvite the boys at this stage because of her personal preference.

Up to a point I think it's your dd and sdd's decision, however. They have a clear choice - unisex sleepover without the best friend or girls-only with the best friend. I would be clear that this is the best friend's mum's wish and not the best friend (I note the mum seems to want the best of both worlds and to 'not be the party pooper' whilst guilting you into doing it at the last minute on her behalf). You have to respect her decision so how would they like to proceed?

[Jennyf68]

That does sound like an absolute nightmare! I would never allow 9 people to sleep over, and you say so far meaning there may be even more staying! If each had 10 friend there that's almost half the party staying in your living room!

Certainly a much cooler mum than me! I would never allow that.

Sorry wasn't much help but seeing as I'd never allow boys to stay with my 16 year old daughters I'm not sure what advise to give.

[houseeveryweekend]

yes i agree with the other posters. If she doesnt want her daughter to go she should not let her daughter go. Its not your responsibility to change all the plans.

[1stworldproblemss]

If me and other parents didn't supply alcohol they would only get their hands on it some other way. At least this way we can make sure is safe and they aren't drinking ridiculous amounts of things like vodka. All parents I've spoken to have told me they won't be supplying neat spirits and I've made it clear if my son and his girlfriend see any they are to take it away.

It may very well be a nightmare but it's a one off! And id very much rather that than having 16 year olds walking home at that time of night!

I will speak to my daughters when they get home tonight and hopefully step daughter will bring home her boyfriend tomorrow so I can explain to him too and then they hopefully make the decision together.

[fastdaytears]

In the set up you describe there would absolutely have been sexual activity when I was that age.

That said, the other girl's mum just needs to decide whether to let her stay over or not. Playing the "extremely disappointed" card made me laugh! She's not your mother or headteacher!

[Jennyf68]

id very much rather that than having 16 year olds walking home at that time of night

Don't have a party at that time of night then? It amazes me how parents will send 16 olds to a party with alcohol and then offer no way of them getting home. I think they may be lying as their parents don't actually know where they are.

[clarrrp]

I would put the boys in one room and the girls in another personally - only because I was 16 once myself

But I agree, if the other girls mother isn't happy with her staying over then it's up to her to collect her and if she can't collect her then arrange for a taxi.

[bloodyteenagers]

The mother can arrange to collect her dd.
Having a group of mixed teens doesn't automatically mean they will be having sex. If that's what she is worried about, tbph Her dd could have sex at any point.

And yes I would allow the sleep over to go ahead as planned. I have done so. More than once.

[1stworldproblemss]

Only 2 out of 9 people are a couple and at 16 surely they dont have random hook ups? The friends who's mum doesn't want to stay has a boyfriend who will not be at the party so nothing sexual will be happening with her.

I can't say that nothing sexual will happen at the party, I can hope it won't but who knows. But I'm pretty sure nothing will happen at the sleepover. Who knows though. I could be completely wrong.

[Cheeseaddicted]

I'm not sure why sexual activity is gurenteed. Call me naive but 9 people all in a room, are they having an orgy or something?

[MrsRonBurgundy]

There definitely would have been sexual activity with that sort of situation when I was 16! absolutely without a doubt.

However, if you're happy worth the set up and she's not, it's her responsibility to get her daughter home

[knitknack]

I'm a pastoral worker with teens - there WILL be sex! I've had to deal with the fall out of more people than that in a (small) room and more than one couple....

[Mumof2lovelys]

My 19 year old and my 17 year old have both just said to me that it's ridiculous to just expect sex to happen because they are a group of 16 year olds. They aren't all sex crazed! 9 times out of 10 people won't be disrespectful enough to have sex in someone else's home at a party and certainly will respect themselves more than to have sex in a room with 9 people.

My 19 year old doesn't attend many parties but my 17 year old does so he is pretty clued up on what happens at these things.

IMHO 15 people each is a small party and for there to possibley not even be that many it really doesn't sound like a night mare. You seem to have it all planned, you've got 4 people there to supervise and you're only down the street should be fine.

If her mum doesn't want her staying she can tell her daughter and not expect you to make the decision, that isn't fair.

[knitknack]

and please please please have condoms available - you don't need to make a big deal of it but they will be needed and alcohol makes all good intentions go out the window... Just have them somewhere visible...

[MrsRonBurgundy]

Random hook ups was pretty much our weekend activity at 16. And we were a group of good girls with excellent grades and never got a detention
Not all the way I'd hasten to add, but far from cuddling

[LemonBreeland]

So she won't stop her dd sleeping over but will be upset if you still allow boys to stay over. She wants you to be the bad guy so she doesn't have to be.

Like you already told her it has been organised for ages and she knew about it. If she is uncomfortable with it then she needs to ensure her daughter goes home and she can take the flak for being a party pooper.

[Abraiid1]

We have had mixed sleepovers and have never had any indication that there's been sex. The advance of lots of people sharing the same room is that they tend to self-police.

[1stworldproblemss]

I trust them to make the right decisions and be safe if they are having sex. I surely hope they don't all do in front of each other, that wouldn't be ideal My 19 year old has just told me that it's unlikely too but who knows.

I am happy about it all and I feel like it's been planned pretty well. I would never have any doubts about anything if the mother hadn't text me.

[MrsRonBurgundy]

She's definitely trying to make you the bad guy though, regardless of what may or may not happen. If she's not comfortable it's really her responsibility. You've made your decision and your plans so she's being a bit unfair asking you to change things to accommodate her preference

[1stworldproblemss]

I will have condoms available, I would of anyway as I can't predict what will happen.

[houseeveryweekend]

i was at tonnes of partys like that when i was 16! and yes there was sexual activity if by sexual activity you mean a bit of kissing and confused groping but to be fair that is just par for the course when you are 16 and like you say at least they are going to be safe in your house! Its not going to randomly develop into some sort of orgy these are 16 year olds and i know times have moved on and they grow up quicker now days etc but still not to the point where they are going to have some sort of eyes wide shut scenario just because youve left them unattended for the night with a few bottles of WKD! I actually remember going to a party like this when i was 13 where everyone slept on the floor of my friends parents living room. I drank a bottle of wine, kissed a boy, threw up on the grass, ate a pipe of pringles and fell asleep watching American Pie. I look back on it with lots of affection! These partys are what your teenage years are partially about.... when you think you are being well grown up and risky but actually are completely safe in someones parents house. Before actual adulthood kicks in and youre out there on your own in your student halls terrified because actually your mum isnt going to come back from her friends at 1am to check you are ok this time!