Daughter seeking opinions from mums

(24 Posts)
MarlseeMarls Tue 07-Jun-16 11:02:12

As a teenager I would like to ask for some advice from mums before asking my own mum again.

As a nearly 19 year old girl who has been in a relationship for nearly 6 months I would love for my mum to trust me enough to stay at my boyfriends house a few times over the summer before going to University. She has already said that as a personal preference she would not allow sleepovers at home which I respect but when I asked about staying at his after an argument she reached the conclusion of "whatever, just do what you want". I'm not the sort of teenager who would ever sneak about behind my mums back unlike my friends so I want her to be 100% OK with it before actually doing so and so haven't slept over yet.
Whenever we have had conversations about this topic her argument is that she does trust us and that her only issue is that she "doesn't want people to judge me and think I'm a slut" (and I'm assuming she doesn't want the judgement of other parents).
She has also acknowledged that when I am at university he will visit me there but I wonder if I'm fighting a lost cause here or if there is a way to persuade her about this.

Frustrated but understanding teenager.

Querty12345 Tue 07-Jun-16 11:05:52

You're 19, she can't tell you what to do when you're not under her roof. Do what you want. Is she going to control you when you go to uni aswell?

SwearyGodmother Tue 07-Jun-16 11:06:55

Her issue is that she's judgmental. Did she really say the word slut? At that point I'd have lost all respect for her to be honest. No advice really, except that you're an adult, you're about to leave home and your mother uses horrible, misogynistic words to describe a sexually active woman thus creating/attempting to create a feeling of shame around something that isn't shameful. I'd ignore her tbh.

I may be projecting - my father called me a slut for being sexually active (with a long term boyfriend) when I was 17. I will never forgive him for it.

usual Tue 07-Jun-16 11:08:36

You are an adult. Don't ask her, tell her that you are staying at your BFs.

ChoudeBruxelles Tue 07-Jun-16 11:13:23

You're an adult. If you want to stay with your boyfriend go ahead. Tbh I don't think people will think that you're a slut - you mum sounds like she has very conservative views

SleepyRoo Tue 07-Jun-16 11:17:50

Perhaps your mum has complex issues regarding her own sexuality. She may not be able to discuss it rationally with you. Hence her unpleasant and hurtful language. You sound sensible and caring. You are also an adult as pp have said. So let her know you will be staying over with him, but don't feel you have to give her details or indeed ask her permission. Her little daughter is about to fly the nest -forgive her a bit of sadness about that...

1stworldproblemss Tue 07-Jun-16 11:18:50

If you want your mums say so then you're probably not going to get it. I allowed sleepovers between girlfriends and boyfriends after they turned 16 and left school so I have a very different veiw to your mums. You are an adult, you don't need her permission. Just do it if you want to. smile

LurcioAgain Tue 07-Jun-16 11:20:31

I remember this so well from my teens/early adulthood. The trick is somehow to get your head around the fact that it is okay for you to have different beliefs about what counts as acceptable moral behaviour from those of your mother (because she is expressing her moral views when she uses the word "slut" - and I personally think she is wrong to do so).

You are having a normal, healthy relationship, and being very responsible and mature about it. Statistically it's overwhelmingly likely that he will not be your boyfriend for ever - most people these days do not marry their first sexual partner (and I would say long term, in many instances, their eventual choice is all the healthier for that!) That doesn't mean that it isn't a loving, valuable and worthwhile relationship - from the sound of it, it almost certainly isn't. Relationships don't have to be "forever" to be worthwhile (and I have relationships which didn't last the distance which I still look back on fondly as very positive ones).

Most people will not view you as a "slut" for having more than one partner in your lifetime, and those that do... well, think of it as a useful wanker filter, you've discovered which people are the ones you don't want in your life.

Regarding your mum, of course, this becomes more complicated. Don't rush to the conclusion that she sees you as a slut. She may well have internalised a whole load of crap from her own upbringing (I am probably her age if not a bit older, believe me, I remember all too well the hideous hangover of earlier times and "you're a slut if you don't save yourself till marriage". Even though my parents were pretty liberal for the time, it took me years, decades even, to shed the overall social pressure about the sexual double standard, and the whole "good girls don't" nonsense). It may be that she doesn't think this herself, but was subjected to so much of this crap while growing up that she genuinely thinks and worries that other people will judge you.

LurcioAgain Tue 07-Jun-16 11:21:20

Argh why doesn't MN have an edit function, - "from the sound of it, it most certainly is ."

timelytess Tue 07-Jun-16 11:40:42

What on earth are you on about?
You are 18, your sex life is your own business, not your mum's. You don't need her permission. Make your own decisions. If you need Mummy's permission, you aren't ready. But that would make you startlingly immature. Some people are, though, so go with what you are comfortable with. Just don't ask your mum to say "Its ok, dear, you have sex with him, I approve." That's a decision you have to make for yourself.

Trust you? To 'sleep over'? You mean, trust you to sleep in the same house as your six-month boyfriend without having sex? When you ask that you are asking your mother to rule over another adult's sexual activity - it isn't healthy and it isn't fair to her.

Your mum is free to rule that you will not bring a sexual partner into her home. That's fine. Keep to her rule.

If you are living with your mum and sleeping at your boyfriend's house will shame her in front of her community, don't do it. Both go elsewhere and keep your sex life private. No-one, not even me, will believe you if you say you spent the night with him and nothing happened.

Are you a Christian Fundamentalist? Or from another religion which is firmly against sex before marriage? If you are, keep to the rules of your faith, you'll feel better long-term. And get married. If you're not, do what you want and keep your personal life to yourself.

Ultimately, its your life, your body, your sex life. You have to do what you think is best. I prefer the 'fewer-lovers-the-better' route, but I've known perfectly nice women whom I have a lot of respect for who have taken an entirely different approach and don't seem to have suffered by it.

Your opening post seems to be saying 'How do I get my mum to tell me I can have sex?' Or worse, 'How can I pressurise my mum into being OK with me and my boyfriend having sex?' She doesn't have to do those things. You have to get on with your life and let her get on with hers.

MarlseeMarls Tue 07-Jun-16 12:01:58

Thanks for the comments everyone. As far as I know she is ok with the aspects of being sexually active, it's just the idea of actually sleeping over which she's not on with, probably the fact that I'm the eldest so it's all new to her. I'll keep persisting though as it seems maybe I'm not fighting a losing battle smile

timelytess Tue 07-Jun-16 12:24:41

I'll keep persisting though
For goodness sake. Give the woman a break.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Tue 07-Jun-16 12:55:29

I think your mother's struggling with the realization that you're a young adult and on the verge of being fully independent. Up to now she's had parental responsibility for decision making and keeping you safe and happy and it's a tricky time to let that go and be confident that your child's going to be OK. She's being protective, albeit in a misguided way.

She needs bringing up to date that a woman of your age won't be judged or have her reputation ruined wink and that your BF is the kind of man that she should be happy to see you with.

It's a period of adjustment for her and she's not handling it in the best way, but that's not at all unusual, it's the first time she's met this situation and you don't know if events in her past have set her opinions. Keep talking to her, she'll be fine and start to relax soon.

scarlets Tue 07-Jun-16 20:55:50

Stay at your boyfriend's place. Don't be drawn into further discussions or slanging matches with her (I hope that your younger siblings didn't hear her use the vile word "slut" by the way). You seem hung up on getting her permission .... you won't succeed, but it doesn't matter because you don't require it.

OhTheRoses Tue 07-Jun-16 21:12:11

I think it's difficult. I'm 56 and my children, son, (21) and daughter (18).

DS brought his girlfriend home when they were 17. We talked at length and it was on the basis her parents were happy about the arrangement. DD hasn't yet.

It is hard to accept your dc are growing up, sexually active and independent. DH and I are pretty traditional nut your mother is behaving how mine did in the late 70's.

I think it is important to remember and ds and I have had words about this, that when you are still financially dependent, boyfriends/girlfriends are guests in your parents' home.

I think you sound lovely and that your mum needs a bit of a hand hold. It is hard, especially if your own parents were staid for their generation.

Sorry if that was a stream of consciousness but I don't think it's as simple as doing what you want because you are 18. Although at uni you can, of course. My mum put me and dh in separate rooms at 30 when I owned a property if my own and we were engaged!

Haffdonga Tue 07-Jun-16 21:23:55

Are you perhaps asking a bit much?

I think you probably got the best answer you can with your mum's "whatever, just do what you want" . She's obviously uncomfortable with the idea but still said OK do it to you. She's not going to hang out the banners and crack open the champagne for you but she is accepting enough for you to be open with her and tell her where you're spending the night.

usual Tue 07-Jun-16 21:26:36

Being financially dependent on your parents doesn't mean they get to control every aspect of your life.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf Tue 07-Jun-16 21:29:37

It doesn't sound as though you are going to get your mum's permission so I would stop trying.

That being said, you are an adult and you do not require her permission. It sounds as though you genuinely respect your mum and are concerned about the potential fall-out. Why can't you just tell her that, while you respect that it is her house and she is not comfortable with your boyfriend spending the night, you are an adult and the choice to spend the night at his house is your decision.

Ticktacktock Tue 07-Jun-16 21:33:45

Well I just want to give you a big hug. You are lovely for taking your mums opinion so seriously, and caring enough to post here.

Your mum will come round, she's probably talking to her friends about her eldest daughter and how she is growing up so fast. Its easy to give advice, but harder to take it.

You will always be her little girl, she's just finding your transition into adulthood a little tricky.

I'm with the others anyway. Just say you have decided to stay at his, she will get used to it.

Best wishes for uni xxx

PerspicaciaTick Tue 07-Jun-16 21:48:51

As an adult woman, it is fine for you to sleepover at your boyfriend's if you want to.
But it is unfair of you to expect your DM to give her blessing to your choice. It sounds like you want to back her into a corner where she either has to back down or risk escalating the situation to the point where your relationship is irretrievably damaged.
Respect her opinion, ask her to respect yours and agree to disagree.

corythatwas Wed 08-Jun-16 11:03:21

Like other posters, I think you have reached the stage where asking for your mother's validation might not be the most helpful thing for your future relations.

You have the right to do what you think best as an adult, but as an adult you have to own your decisions.

So do precisely that: tell her what you intend to do in a brisk and friendly fashion. Don't hang around waiting for her to feel the way you do. If she tried to stop her (which by the sounds of it she isn't) that would be unfair on you. Trying to force her to feel the way you do because you don't want to own your own decisions would be unfair to her. The time has come to learn to agree to differ.

Very hard and it may just have taken me a few decades but an absolutely necessary part of growing up. The more casual and friendly you can be about, the less risk of hurting each other.

corythatwas Wed 08-Jun-16 11:04:39

Should add: of course you have to accept her house her rules. But this is about what you do outside of her house.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 09-Jun-16 15:57:17

Part of the trouble is when you're the firstborn, parents are learning as they go! Other posters have said so already but sometimes our parents are still enmeshed in their own parents' way of thinking. Sometimes I know it gave my mum a kick to be more relaxed about something, when I was expecting a battle. I would just say give her a hug, say to her that you would prefer to be open with her but if she finds it hard accepting what is happening in your life, it is going to be simple. You won't tell and she needn't ask.

I remember my mum saying to me about halfway through my end of 1st year summer holidays, "I suppose there's no point worrying, you probably get up to all sorts when you're living away from us".
Great, she'd cottoned on!

As you're the eldest, you are the trailblazer and don't be surprised if Mum seems a lot more tolerant towards your younger siblings regarding the same issue well before they reach your age.

chocolateworshipper Thu 09-Jun-16 20:39:48

I agree with those that have said that you have to follow your mum's rules in her house, you are absolutely old enough to make up your own mind about sleeping at your boyfriend's house. When she said about "trusting you" - could part of that have been about contraception? May be worth just mentioning to her that you have that side of things covered (without turning into a question of "so is it ok now then?"). Best of luck to you x

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