How can I make him see?

(7 Posts)
Cheeseaddicted Fri 27-May-16 21:01:42

My son never comes to me and talks to me about his bothers yet he is always sharing with his girlfriend. This was never an issue as he is 18 and doesn't need to be telling his mummy everything. But today I found out that he has been feeling really low and depressed recently. He has a history of depression and anxiety and was taking medication that he came off of a year ago. When he decided he was going to stop taking his medication he didn't speak to anyone about this other than his girlfriend and one of his other friends but I didn't make a huge deal out of it as it was months before I found out and he seemed to be doing well.

Apparently he discussed with his girlfriend about going back on his tablets and she has encouraged him not to and to seek other ways to make him feel better as medication, in her words, "only works until you stop taking it".

She has suffered with depression too and never took tablets and she has been suffering with an eating disorder since she was 12 so she has dealt with all sorts of people and methods to beat her disorders so he sees her as some expert on all things mental health. Which obviously is not true.

It really pisses me off and she is only a child and should not be giving someone medical advice and my son won't listen when I tell him to go back to the doctor and start taking tablets again because of her.

How can I make him see that she doesn't know what is best for him and that he needs to seek help from the doctor?

Cheeseaddicted Fri 27-May-16 21:03:38

And just before someone says it, I'm not jelous about my son talking to her instead of me. That isn't my issue, the issue is my son wont listen to me and see a doctor because of what she said. I also don't have any other problems with the girlfriend, she is lovely and we have a good realtionship.

1stworldproblemss Fri 27-May-16 21:14:04

Well to start off with what she is saying is true. Anti depressants do only work while you are taking them, they are a temporary solution and only part of getting better. Many people take them and think they are happy and doing well so will stop taking them only to crash back down a few weeks later.

Also, she is a child but if she has been suffering with mental health problems for 6 years and still is she probably has a good idea on how things work and what does and doesn't help.

BUT... He shouldn't of come off any medication with out talking to his doctor first. His girlfriend may have a good idea on what's good and what's not but she is not a medical professional so he should make dessions solely based on what she is telling him.

I don't think you can make him see a doctor but tell him you really recommend it. I don't think saying to him he has a problem so go get tablets is a good idea though. There are other methods that work better long term so I would sit down with him and say he should see a doctor and talk about his options. Tell him he doesn't have to go back on medication but he should see what help he can get.

Hope that helped.

musicposy Fri 27-May-16 21:19:44

You can't, as such, I'm afraid. He's 18 and an adult. He can confide in who he wants to and take whoever's advice he wants to.

However, if he's willing to listen all you can do is put your point of view forward and the reasons why you think he should go back to the doctor. If he doesn't agree, you just have to be there for him if his decision turns out to be the wrong one.

Whatever you do, don't frame it as "getting him to see she doesn't know what's best for him", especially if you are implying that you do. It may well be true, but it's a sure fire route to him never listening to you again.

Jennyf68 Fri 27-May-16 21:19:51

People with eating disorders can be very poisonous people. Not saying she is but most are. They are hurting themselves so they want to see others suffer and will do what they can to control them when they can't control themselves.

Tell him going to the doctor isn't optional, he has too. If he refuses just treat him like you would if he was 10 years younger and book the appointment yourself and take him and sit in with him.

Make it known to him that his girlfriend, no matter how lovely she is, is suffering with a very mind altering disease so her advice isn't always the best advice.

If it comes to it then limit his involvement with the girl till he starts thinking for himself. His health is number 1 no matter what his girlfriend tells him.

Ineedanapasap Fri 27-May-16 21:33:38

People with eating disorders can be very poisonous people. Not saying she is but most are. They are hurting themselves so they want to see others suffer and will do what they can to control them when they can't control themselves.

That is very untrue and not a nice thing to say at all! That may be the case for a very small percentage of people suffering with EDs but it's not most They aren't monsters trying to control people.

Tell him going to the doctor isn't optional

I'm sorry but it is optional, he is 18. No one can make him see a doctor if that isn't what he wants. He knows what is best for him and you just have to support him, if that isn't what's best for him then he will work it out for himself soon enough. I'm pretty sure that now he's 18 no one else can make appointments for him and he has to do it himself, could be wrong though.

If it comes to it then limit his involvement with the girl till he starts thinking for himself.

That won't help, it will only make him resent you. Surely you can see by doing that it isn't thinking for himself It's you taking something away from him until he does what you want him to.

musicposy Sat 28-May-16 00:58:39

Jenny That's a really offensive thing to say about people with eating disorders. I've had an ED and at no time was I ever a poisonous person. I had help and during the course of that help mixed with lots of teens with EDs. They were, without exception, lovely people whose lives had gone out of their control and who needed help, no more no less. To take a whole group if people with a mental illness and brand them like that is utterly ignorant and extremely insulting. People in the throes of an ED can lie to cover up their illness - that's part of it. That does not make them poisonous people. No, they do not want to see others suffer. I never met a single one who was doing anything other than suffering themselves. That's like saying someone with depression wants everyone else to suffer. It's complete nonsense. If the girlfriend has been through such issues she will possibly be in a better place to help than others are.

To suggest you can tell an 18 year old that going to a doctor isn't optional or to suggest you can limit their involvement with a girlfriend is so utterly laughable I can only assume you've never had an 18 year old - or if you do, that they don't speak to you at all. 18 is an adult. Once a teen hits 16 you have no say in their medical issues. DD1 hated it because when she was first 16 she wasn't confident enough to speak to doctors over the phone/ make appointments etc. She had to get used to it fast because all I got when I phoned was "she's 16, she has to speak to us herself."

To try to limit a boyfriend/ girlfriend involvement with any teen - even a younger one, let alone an 18 year old - is a recipe for making them all the more determined to be with/ stay with/ only listen to said boyfriend/ girlfriend. Not a sensible move.

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