DD is breaking my heart

[Lifestoohard]

My DD is 14.
She's had a bad few months.
In December last year she told me she had lost her virginity and thought she was pregnant. There followed a huge bust up with her and the boy's mother and ultimately the police were involved due to them threatening to kill her.
Turns out she wasn't pregnant.
Months of bullying at school followed and in March this year we took her out of school for a month, (with the heads agreement).
She was so depressed due to the bullying that she attempted suicide and was self harming in a huge way.
We got her into counselling and have tried to support her the best we can.
Recently she has been happier, made new friends and been doing really well back at school.

This evening her Dad told her (at 11.45pm) that she needed to get to bed as it was late.
Suddenly we are the worst parents in the world, we hate her, we are never there for her. This, she says, is the reason she refuses to talk to us about anything, why she's so unhappy and that we don't like her never mind love her. We never show her affection or do anything with or for her.
This is all untrue.
Deep down she knows it's rubbish because she admitted as much to her older sister.

She says that her Dad and I have changed towards her.
We haven't.
I asked her how we had changed and she refused to answer. All she would say was that she wants to go and live with her big sister. This isn't possible.
I told her and she started screaming at me that she hates me and wishes I was dead.
Her sister then told her the same and was accused of taking my side.
All this because we said she had to go to bed.
I recently found out that she's smoking, drinking, having unprotected sex with 4 different boys and god knows what else. She admitted to everything with a smirk on her face.

I'm at the end of my tether, I'm devastated and heartbroken and don't know what to do.
I've tried grounding her, she climbs out of her upstairs bedroom window, so we locked it.
We took her tv away, she didn't care.
We took her laptop off her, she didn't care.
we took her phone off her, she told school we hit her. (We don't and never have).
I don't know what to do anymore. I love her so much, she's my youngest, my baby, my last one and she's breaking my heart.
She couldn't care less.
Please can anyone help me? I just feel broken.

[phoolani]

I doubt she couldn't care less. She's screaming out for your attention, love and care. You have to keep her safe, but this isn't the time for punitive measures. She seems to have been completely knocked for six by the virginity/pregnancy/bullying episode and is having severe problems processing it. I'm no expert on teenagers but I know when I was behaving like this, I just wanted to be shown that I counted and that I was loved.

[Lifestoohard]

She won't let us give her love!
I try to hug her she tells me to get off her. I try to chat with her, she tells me to "leave me the hell alone".
I took her shopping the other day, just the two of us. She refused to talk to me. Not one word all day. I ignored it and chatted to her anyway, acted like everything was ok and all I got when we got home was that she would've preferred to have been in bed.
The shopping trip was her idea!
I don't shout at her or rant at her instead I try to talk and be there for her and listen but she just shuts me out.
She says we're not interested in her but we are! Everyday we ask her to spend time with us but she won't and then she says we ignore her and it's our fault she is the way she is.
Her older sister has tried to talk to her about everything and she tells her that she enjoys my pain, she likes to see me cry.
She was so loving, so affectionate and open up to November last year. Then she met that boy and changed over night. We were nothing but nice to him, even when we found out that they had had sex. We supported them, took him in when his mum threw him out, then they broke up and she hated him and all his mates started bullying her. We supported her through all that, fought her corner and loved her but she rejected our efforts.
I asked her once if she was angry at me for helping him when his mum threw him out and she said she thought I was the best mum in the world for being there for her when all that happened. Now just a few months later, it's all my fault!

She's always had rules and boundaries and had always respected them but now she respects nobody in this house.
She's an angel at school but at home she's like a different person.
Her friends are horrified at how she treats me and tell her so and all she does is laugh.
I've spoken to her favourite teacher about everything and she's spoken to her about it. She told the teacher it amuses her when I cry.
The teacher said to give her time, that it's just teenage rebellion but I'm worried for her. I mean she's having unprotected sex!
When I try to tell her the dangers of it she tells me shut the F up and storms off.
I'm just so lost and frightened for her.
I give her so much love as does her dad and her brother and sister but she just pushes us away constantly.
I'm not ever going to give up on her, I just don't know what else to do

[MyFriendsCallMeOh]

You sound like a very caring parent who has been through an awful lot but despite appearances, your dd still needs you badly. Keep at it. Keep trying to hug, to listen, to be there for her. If she won't speak or listen, write her a letter. Keep writing letters. If you can't do letters, leave her post its on her bathroom mirror, copy a poem, gift her a song through iTunes. Tell her you love her and are there for her no matter what. You need to pull this back before she drifts further away. Don't judge, don't assume, don't tell her you understand or give her advice. It's a long road but you have to keep at it.

I did a parenting course this year and the psychologist leading the course said that you need to hold your most challenging child the closest, it's good advice.

[phoolani]

I'm with Myfriends. She is pushing you away as much as she can to see if she can break you, make you stop loving her so that she can confirm her current view of herself which seems to be incredibly low. It must be incredibly hard and my heart goes out to you, but you just have to keep showing you love her no matter what she does. Literally throw buckets of love and care her way and keep doing it no matter how much she rejects it. Her life has suddenly spun out of control and she needs you to help stop the spinning.
I'd be incredibly worried about the sleeping with four boys thing; acting out is one thing, but is she being coerced? Was she bullied for sleeping with the boy? If she was, she's possibly now trying to take some control back by being the thing she was bullied for, as in someone who sleeps around. I would do everything I could to stop her from seeing them and explain why, and yes, she'll 'hate' you for it, but no mentally healthy 14 year old sleeps with multiple partners, and my guess is she needs you to rescue her no matter how much she resists.

[minifingerz]

What would you think about having some professional input, starting with you going to see your GP? My daughter was also having underage unprotected sex and presenting with very challenging behaviours - self harm, school refusing, aggression towards us and her siblings. We were referred to CAMHS and I myself phoned social services and the NSPCC because I felt she was at risk of sexual exploitation - she was going out with adult men. I don't know if they would intervene in a situation where a 14 year old is having sex with children the same age or marginally older than her but I reckon it would be worth ringing the NSPCC or Parentline and having a talk to their advisers.

My dd has been traumatised by her experiences and at 16 is undergoing therapy for PTSD and a personality disorder (this was the underlying problem it seems, though it took months of ineffectual family therapy and CBT before we were referred to a specialist centre and she got a proper diagnosis).

Personally I would ignore the smoking and focus on the other things - she really is at risk physically and emotionally if she is drinking and is having sex with multiple partners. Try not to be angry and punitive - I know it's hard not to be. I was furious with dd and very very upset when she was at her most difficult. I bitterly regret not controlling those emotions in myself more rigorously because it compounded the problems.

Oh, and so sorry you are having such a difficult time. It's unimaginably distressing. Don't let it break you.

[Lifestoohard]

She is already under the local ELCAS team. Like camhs.
She sees a counsellor every week but refuses to engage and just grunts replies.
I love her so very much and try to pick my battles but it's getting harder.