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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Teenage Dd - hard cold advice needed please

33 replies

Sonnet · 02/05/2016 10:44

DD (15). No background supplied as need short sharp advice on how to handle.
Just been very rude and entities. Threw my washing basket and turned over chair. Pushed me twice. I asked her what her plans are as she said yesterday she needed flowers for her art project. Cannot go out her self due to isolated house.
History of explosive behaviour

Here in my own at the moment but last night ended after she was rude to DH and refused to get off her phone when eating.

We have no control and I don't know how to get it back.

What would you do now if me?
Thank you x

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Sonnet · 02/05/2016 10:56

Bump please

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wibblewobble8 · 02/05/2016 10:58

start by taking away her phone? we have a nearly 16ds who sounds exactly like your dd. But his behaviour had been like that for the last 2/3 years. Moody, sulky, cheeky, backchat, not doing anything he was told, pushing, etc etc. At one point he had no phone/xbox/tv/ grounded as we had taken it away as punishment. He said he didnt care but it obviously annoyed him as he was always trying to get them back (just not by means of good behaviour!). Thankfully his behaviour is starting to calm down now and he is acting more like the child i gave birth to. I think a lot of it is teenage hormones, some kids are just worse than others.

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Sonnet · 02/05/2016 11:04

I feel a pushover as have not taken stuff away - it just seems to explode if I do but I admit I need to!

Did he see the link between loosing his stuff and acceptable behaviour?

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Sonnet · 02/05/2016 11:05

The stupid thing is if a friend was asking my advice I would say remove her stuff she gets it back when her behaviour improves - but I'm scared she will trash the house

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CodyKing · 02/05/2016 11:07

Say No - to the next 3 requests

No I won't make tea
No I won't drop you to X place
No I can't have your friends hear

She need to understand you are on her side and you can make it difficult.

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momtothree · 02/05/2016 11:09

What would you do if another adult threw things at you?

Do that

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MrsLeighHalfpenny · 02/05/2016 11:18

Would the not being able to go out alone contribute to her explosive behaviour? It must be quite restrictive for a teenager. I don't really understand why she can't go out just because your isolated. She wouldn't come to much harm looking for flowers surely?

I think isolation is much safer than being in an inner city in many respects.

Perhaps if you backed off a bit she'd mature and her behaviour would improve.

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MrsLeighHalfpenny · 02/05/2016 11:18

*you're

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ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 02/05/2016 11:19

My advice would be very different from the previous posters. I have found what works best with my DD over the years is discussing things at great length rather than removing phones or anything else. Don't be shocked, don't blame, just listen and be calm and helpful. This approach did pay off for us and two years on from a very low low we have a very good relationship now.

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BeauGlacons · 02/05/2016 11:27

Actually as violence I involved I think it's very serious. I'd go to the GP and have her assessed to make sure there aren't any underlying mh issues going on. CAMHS will take forever so if I could, I'd pay.

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Sonnet · 02/05/2016 11:34

Thank you all.
Just started reading the Explosive Child again

She needed to buy some flowers for art which is why I had to take her - I won't be doing now.
Not sure how I should be backing off
Unfortunately we live where we live and moving to a more teenage friends place isn't on the cards.

I will not be doing anything for her as CodyKing suggested.

Like your advice Chopsticks too

Have a GP app on Wednesday for ongoing period issues so will mention the violence

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Sonnet · 02/05/2016 11:34

Thank you all

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Sonnet · 02/05/2016 11:35

MrsLeigh -she can go out alone just can't get to anywhere worth going to.

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Couchpotato3 · 02/05/2016 11:42

Surely she can go for a walk and find some flowers?

I second the talking it through approach - it shows her that you are prepared to listen and respect her views, even if you can't agree with them all. Removing devices as punishment for a 15 year old feels more like how you would approach a toddler tantrum. A more subtle approach would be to disable the internet or impose a new password daily that you only disclose if behaviour is acceptable up to that point. If you want more adult behaviour, I think you need to treat her more like an adult. You do also need to set some firm boundaries. Seems to me that living where you do provides quite a handy boundary - imagine what could be happening if you lived in the middle of a city. Work with what you've got - lifts etc have to be earned.

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MrsLeighHalfpenny · 02/05/2016 12:38

I still think the lack of freedom is probably a big contributing factor. Has she got a bike? Can she walk or get a bus? Can she just go out and pick some wild flowers or flowers from the garden? Or just go for a walk now and then to be alone with her thoughts?

I think I'd explode now and again if I was miles from civilisation and completely reliant on others if I wanted to go out of the house.

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CodyKing · 02/05/2016 12:54

Nothing suggests OP hasn't or doesn't talk to her teen -

You can talk for hours and they can still be explosive -

I have a very bright similar DD - they want control - but aren't ready for it and think parents aren't doing enough - lack appreciation -

We are in a very child friendly place - it makes no difference . that said I'm sure OP knows that where they live will mean her going beyond what most of do - and make an effort for the teen to socialise - pick ups and drop offs etc -

I am reluctant to go to CAMHS - as I know it will effect her choice of career - she will grow out of it and become a lovely adult - I have no doubt - she just needs to appreciate her life and what her parents do for her - like most teens

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NoahVale · 02/05/2016 12:58

what would i do?
take to her buy her flowers, is art important for her?
dont talk at her.
listen to her.
assume she will calm down
she will get through it, as will you

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NoahVale · 02/05/2016 13:00

you have no control?
she is 15 so it is an age where some control has to be passed to her, she feels dependent on you, it must be frustrating.

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KindDogsTail · 02/05/2016 13:08

I think Couch NoahVale & Chopsticks may have a helpful approach.

She does need boundaries, and she has behaved badly but you don't know what may be on her mind. So it would a a shame if you end up in a sort of battle with her.

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SouthWestmom · 02/05/2016 13:11

How would going to CAMHS affect her choice of career?

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Sonnet · 02/05/2016 13:22

Thank you all - it is the rudeness I struggle with.

We do talk - a lot!

I came back and she had put the washing back in the basket and righted the chair she upturned.

We had a chat - she feels I am always on her back about stuff (she is dyslexic and struggles with school). I explained about her rudeness. She has agreed to be politer and I have agreed to step back about school work. I have told her she has to earn her lifts etc.

I am very concerned about too much screen time - phone is glued to her hand.

She is currently baking a cake

It possibly does contribute MrsLeighHalfPenny but not much I can do about it. She could, in theory, get a bus although very infrequent (2 per day) but to get down to the bus stop she has to walk along a road without a pavement with a speed limit of 40 where the average speed is 57mph. 2 deaths in the last three years.
I don't think if we moved it would transform her - she has always had a short fuse. I have also managed to bring up 2 other teenagers in this same house without these problems

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NoahVale · 02/05/2016 13:24

baking a cake is such a good cure all , win win op

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BeauGlacons · 02/05/2016 13:30

I am reluctant to go to CAMHS - as I know it will effect her choice of career - she will grow out of it and become a lovely adult - I have no doubt - she just needs to appreciate her life and what her parents do for her - like most teens

Not getting a child who may have underlying mental health problems is more likely to affect their choice of career. You know, when the depression kicks in and they stop going to school, when the self harm with a razor blade is replaced with an overdose, when the surging bi-polar disorder drives them to drink and to do foolish things, when the Oppositional Defiance Disorder gets them into trouble with the police, when the anxiety of being a teenager combines with the mild autistic spectrum disorder.

A supported child with mh problems has a far better chance of a good future with maximum choice than the young person whose parent ignores their problems. Not saying the OP's daughter has MH problems but the violence is a concern and I would want it looked at. And believe me, mine weren't easy, and I had to deal last year with a depressed teen. Diagnostic help was essential.

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CodyKing · 02/05/2016 13:40

I'm not ignoring it!

She's perfect at school others homes etc -

Just a jealous madam at home -

What she wants is full attention from me - which I can't give with other children - any sniff at a chat with the others results in a tantrum - that's what it is a tantrum - not MH not self harm - just not getting her own way when she wants it how she wants it.

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KindDogsTail · 02/05/2016 13:42

You seem to have done very well already in de-escalating the situation OP. Its good
she put those things back.

Could you go out together to get the flowers and maybe do a small nice thing together?

Is art important for her? If she is dyslexic maybe this is her natural outlet for expression.most

I am very concerned about too much screen time - phone is glued to her hand.

Could you explain to her/tell her the brain needs to rest from that and agree that it is put away from a certain time onwards everyday?

Do you think she is getting upsetting messages or pressures from screen activities?