DD said she hates me

(14 Posts)
suzanski Thu 21-Apr-16 21:11:17

in front of her friend, her brother and a couple of strangers who couldn't help but overhear. I ignored this statement, as didn't want to give her a row in front of one of her only friends and be even more humiliated. She said it was a "joke" but the truth is she probably does hate me, and so that's why it hurt. What would you have done in this situation?

She has now been roundly told off by me and by her father., no TV for the rest of the evening. She is just saying it was a joke and continuing to talk back. This is not the first time.

Any views? She's 12

Leavemealone2015 Thu 21-Apr-16 21:15:10

I think I would explain how you feel hurt and disrespected by this and then let her have a think about it.

YouMakeMyDreams Thu 21-Apr-16 21:20:19

I know some may disagree but I think you kind of have to get used to it. There is a whole heap of I hate you's to come.
I do tell dd it's not an acceptable way to behave once she has calmed down but at the time I vary between good I'm doing my job properly to parenting isn't a popularity contest to completely ignoring it.
We all hated our parents at some point and really didn't mean it. This age and the coming years are tough. It's the transition from small child to a grown up. They are going through so many emotional and physical changes right now and think they know everything. My dad always said if you need and answer as a teenager.
They fight against us to try and gain their independence. You are in for a long slog if you punish so hard every time this happens because it will again.

Muskey Thu 21-Apr-16 21:28:25

I agree with youmakemydreams dd is 12 she is very sensitive and regularly screams at me that she hates me and often says that we hate her. We are at our wits end but we know that some days we try to accommodate her very demanding behaviour without arguing and other days we fail miserably. Can any one tell when it might end or least calm down a bit

Leavemealone2015 Thu 21-Apr-16 21:36:16

I don't agree that it's age related really. Try to ask if she is unhappy, if she was embarrassed or anxious and tell her how it made you feel.

YouMakeMyDreams Thu 21-Apr-16 21:36:22

Tbh dd is coming up 13 and although it is showing no sign of disappearing anytime soon it is changing. She's tends to save it for what she sees as huge injustices now. And is beginning to be more open to rational discussion about things. Periods starting made a difference too. It is more linked to her cycle now. She is far more likely to be irrational and emotional in the few days before she starts. But that's just it children that age are emotional and irrational and guiding them through this is a pretty tough but important job. It's our job to let them find out who they are and letting them express that while making sure we don't turn arseholes out into the adult world.

I actually find this stage a bit easier than the toddler stage for example. Because I can remember being a teenage girl and stomping off to my room hating my mum. And I'm mighty impressed at the good humour my parents showed at times when I did.

wanderings Thu 21-Apr-16 21:38:37

My mum never said "I'm your parent, not your friend", but she probably meant it.

She once encouraged me to copy another teen's example, and say "I 'ate yer, mum! I 'ate everything about yer!" She said it might do me good to say it (rather than sulking and being subtly disobedient). I couldn't take this seriously at the time, but perhaps she had a point.

Spandexpants007 Thu 21-Apr-16 21:40:11

Why is she unhappy?

suzanski Thu 21-Apr-16 22:40:13

thanks for your comments. This was during a calm and happy time when we were outside in the sunshine waiting for her hobby class to begin. She was enjoying time with her friend, and I was waiting with them with her brother. There were no disagreements, she merely turned to me and said "when are you going?", I said why and that we would be going in ten minutes, and then she used those horrible words.

YouMakeMyDreams Thu 21-Apr-16 22:58:50

It sounds like an unfortunate showing off type thing rather than malicious. She probably feels very silly and rather embarrassed now hence the insistence that it was a joke.
It's not pleasant and it can hurt but I honestly do believe you need to learn to be a bit less emotional about it. She screwed up, she was showing off. She's been punished I'd let it go.

SallyVating Thu 21-Apr-16 23:06:48

What others have said.. get used to it. My DD wished AIDS and cancer on me more times than I can remember, as well as various other horrible deaths.

They grow out of it eventually. Stock up on wine to get through it.

bringbacksideburns Thu 21-Apr-16 23:09:45

I 'm actually finding it harder now then when they were Toddlers!
I'm learning to pick my battles or I would be exhausted.

We have had a lot of friendship problems with my daughter, who is 13,and one period - then not a period since which doesn't make it easier.
More recently she's been more like her lovely old self but I don't know how long that will last.
I would have told her not to speak to me like that. Then when we got home I'd ban her off everything for a day.

corythatwas Fri 22-Apr-16 11:41:21

I think you are giving too much power to those words. By all means, tell her off, punish her if you must, make it clear you do not wish to hear those words again.

But don't let them get to you: that is too much power for a 12yo to have.

gingerhobo48 Fri 22-Apr-16 11:53:19

I remember when DD (17) was about that age.We were in the car and I think I had refused to get her some 'must have' overpriced piece of fashion tat (I really couldn't afford it) . She turned to me and said with such venom I still remember it "what do you ACTUALLY do?" , meaning what was my role. At the time I was a SAHM looking into retraining to get back into teaching as I hadn't worked for a while. She found the transition from junior to senior school difficult, she got into the wrong crowd, got into a lot of school based trouble and was excluded for a week in Yr 8! Difficult times but now she is in Yr 12 and we are really close (most of the time) .She has grown out of her brattiness, is no longer into her labels or influenced by others and has grown up a lot.

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