What on Earth am I meant to do, I really need some help with DS :(

(76 Posts)
thatcoldfeeling Fri 08-Apr-16 19:52:06

A few weeks ago DS (14) kicked a hole in the plasterboard wall of our house. He is having to sell some of his possessions to pay for the repairs.

Just now I came back from the local shop to find DD sobbing because he wouldn't get out of her room (trying to show her a magic trick of all bizarre things though, but she saw it once then was not interested!). So he punched her in the face. I have confiscated his Playstation controller for one week or until he respects people's boundaries.

He is accusing me of theft eg 'why do you have the right to take my controller just because you are an adult?', why is it not okay for me to go into my sister's room but you went in my room to take the controller?'.

He is now crashing about upstairs and threatening to put another hole in the wall.

He has become completely moody in recent months, rarely talks to me, all day in his room, not many friends, no out of school activities. I am a single parent and have no idea what to do anymore sad A few weeks ago I had a chat with the pastoral tutor at school as he was so reluctant to go to school (hence the hole in the plasterboard). Apparently there had been issues with his girlfriend - he had not even told me he had a girlfriend. How did my relationship with my adorable boy go so wrong? sad

stareatthetvscreen Fri 08-Apr-16 19:58:08

aww x boys change big time once the hormones kick in

and its often not nice to live with

nothing you've done - sigh

you have to withhold something he really wants, be clear and consistent.best of luck.

thatcoldfeeling Fri 08-Apr-16 20:06:37

SOOOOOOO hard in the face of constant persistent teenager logic 'why can you do X but I can't do Y'. And actually, I don't know how to respond. I told him he needs to treat the rest of the world with respect if he wants to be treated with respect, and he just immediately turns that argument back on me (eg that I confiscated his controller is not treating him with respect so why should he treat me with respect!). So very circular and depressing.

anorakgirl Fri 08-Apr-16 20:12:18

Punching his sister in the face needs dealing with pronto especially if as you say she did nothing wrong. I'd be phoning the police and reporting assault if he isn't remorseful towards her.

ArmfulOfRoses Fri 08-Apr-16 20:16:54

Ask him what he thinks would happen if he punched a girl in the face in town.
How old is your Dd?
Is she ok?

ZappDingbat Fri 08-Apr-16 20:17:00

I would argue back, (poss not the best thing) that I am taking his controller away to help him learn, that if you don't show respect to others then others won't show respect to you. I would remind him that I am an adult and parent it is my duty to teach him how to be an adult that will get along ok in life. Hitting people will lead to prison. Then ask him, does he want to accept his punishment or shall we do it the hard way? IE carrying on the argument/cheek/disrespect and end up with more punishments.

I feel for you OP, my DS is only ten and for years has been able to argue back as good as I can. On a good day, I have the maturity to ask him to calm down first then come to me and we can discuss the consequence. Usually the above would then be a calm conversation rather than a shouting match, which we have too often.

I have definitely found with DS that the more time on a screen the harder it is for him to come back into the real world. In your shoes, once his behaviour and attitude warrants the controller being given back, i would impose time limits which can be increased or decreased depending on behaviour.

In the meantime, eat cake/choc/ your hearts desire.

thatcoldfeeling Fri 08-Apr-16 20:18:18

Tempted to anorakgirl. Not sure that would be the best thing long term though?

Anyway, after crashing around upstairs for a bit, he came and sat on the stairs for and then just came and spoke to me normally, so I am not going to call the police as I think it would have to be straight away if at all, not after punishing him and then when he has seemingly calmed down. I certainly would not rule it out in the future though, but would obviously much rather it was just never something I would have to consider.

coffeeisnectar Fri 08-Apr-16 20:20:04

I think it might be worth investigating some sort of counselling /anger management for your DS. He seems very angry and violent outbursts cannot and will not be tolerated by anyone in his life.

Talk to your GP (go on your own) and talk to the school about pastoral care seeing him regularly.

It may be that CAMHS can help although I know waiting lists are long but the way he is reacting is not normal teenage boy behaviour at all.

wannabestressfree Fri 08-Apr-16 20:20:46

I would be telling him that though.... that to ensure they both feel protected in their own home a'no hands' approach for all is important.

thatcoldfeeling Fri 08-Apr-16 20:21:11

Armful - DD is fine, she is 11 and although she was upset she is quite capable of standing up to herself. No visible bruising or anything (yet).

Zapp - sounds like you and I say v similar things! He also does have a time limit on his console, but then spends every other waking moment attached to his phone watching utter shit on Youtube (we have a high filter though).

bigkidsdidit Fri 08-Apr-16 20:23:37

'Quite capable of standing up for herself'? She's 11 and she's just been punched in the face by a much older boy?

I think you need to think carefully about the impact of this violence on her and her mental health.

thatcoldfeeling Fri 08-Apr-16 20:24:15

Yes - think I need to have another chat with pastoral care at school and WRT anger management.

I have a load of issues that the GP is aware of atm, we are going to seem like a hugely fucked up family, so will see what school suggests first. At school, his teachers have described him as polite, friendly, well behaved, bright etc!

thatcoldfeeling Fri 08-Apr-16 20:24:51

Bigkid - what do you mean?

iMatter Fri 08-Apr-16 20:29:48

I suspect Bigkid means you need to keep an eye on your dd's mental health.

She's been punched in the face in her own home by her own brother and may not feel safe.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff Fri 08-Apr-16 20:32:02

I'm completly agog at stareat response.

He punched his sister in the face.

She is 11 years old.

If that was my son no way would he be sleeping under my roof tonight. I'd actually be more concerned about your dd op and that an older male has just be violent towards her. What safe guarding/protection are you giving her? If you phoned the police (which he deserves) he would be arrested for assualt.

By not coming down down on him like a ton of bricks your teaching your daughter that it's ok for her to be punched in the face or be attacted!

He sounds horrible and deserves the police calling on him. I feel sorry for your dd that no one is protecting her from this bully

bigkidsdidit Fri 08-Apr-16 20:32:18

I mean this is domestic violence, and may affect your daughter deeply, even if she does not show it immediately.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff Fri 08-Apr-16 20:33:12

*attacked

BrandNewAndImproved Fri 08-Apr-16 20:33:25

I think you should go over what could happen if you called the police but I wouldn't call them.

Siblings do fight and he has to know this isn't acceptable but he didn't break her nose or shatter a cheek bone. Calling the police is over reacting.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday Fri 08-Apr-16 20:36:59

He sounds just like my DS aged 11. Total nightmare. Referral to CAHMS rejected. Family counselling (private) has helped a bit. Sick of the violence. Sorry can't help but you are not alone.

iMatter Fri 08-Apr-16 20:37:13

BrandNew - it wasn't a fight. It was a punch in the face. Would you give that advice if it was a husband hitting his wife??

thatcoldfeeling Fri 08-Apr-16 20:37:27

Am going to bed, thanks to those who responded helpfully.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff Fri 08-Apr-16 20:39:15

Yep minimise it. Hopefully your dd hasn't been hurt too much

MiffleTheIntrovert Fri 08-Apr-16 20:42:12

Armful - DD is fine, she is 11 and although she was upset she is quite capable of standing up to herself. No visible bruising or anything (yet).

I also find this comment very minimising. Your poor DD.

I don't think taking away his PS controller for one week is anywhere near sufficient for assaulting someone else. I think I would be removing all screens/devices etc for a longer period as a punishment but equally important is talking to him and effectively getting him to understand that the only level of violence acceptable in the home is none. (If he needs a phone for safety reasons out and about I would be buying a £5 brick and giving him that).

I hope he has also apologised (properly) to his sister and that she has had the chance to tell him how he has made her feel. It really shouldn't be allowed to be just disregarded, it's very serious.

Does he have contact with his father, or another male role model type who he admires? I think as well as it coming from you, he needs to hear from
Someone like this how his behaviour has been appalling.

I have a DS who can be violent due to SN so a bit different, but his father sat him down and explained about domestic violence, you don't hit anyone but you certainly never even raise a hand to a female, or make them scared with violent behaviour.

If you think your ds needs some training or techniques on anger management, cpuld you ask the GP or your school to refer to CAMHs?

ArmfulOfRoses Fri 08-Apr-16 20:44:04

Please don't think that your Dd can stand up to him, really.
I'm not saying kick him out or anything but your dd being able to hold her own with him in an argument is very different.

Whatever she might say in bravado she will now be walking on eggshells not wanting to provoke him.

ssd Fri 08-Apr-16 20:48:13

cigarette, you say if this was your son no way would he be sleeping under your roof tonight

so where is he meant to go?

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