How to deal with passive aggressive behaviour in 14 year old dd?

[Dancergirl]

Dd1 is 14 (15 next month) and is generally has been a very easy teen, the odd bout of moodiness/tears etc but nothing like I was expecting.

However there is one aspect of her behaviour which I find difficult to deal with - she becomes quite passive aggressive over certain issues, i.e. quiet, un-communicative, sullen, refuses to engage or answer questions.

She has a long standing dental phobia which she refuses to discuss. We have been to countless different dentists (specialising in phobic patients), a dental hospital where she saw a play therapist, a psychotherapist (dh and I went initially, she refused to come along to the subsequent appointment).

She doesn't like the appearance of her teeth and recently, out of the blue, she said she would like to see an orthodontist (we already had a referral for when she was ready). So I took her along for the appointment, she refused to sit in the chair or open her mouth and just sat and sobbed. The orthodontist explained that braces need a huge amount of co-operation and lots of appointments and didn't think dd would be suitable for treatment at the moment.

My own dentist's view is that I should leave her and she needs to decide for herself to get some help. Probably good advice as this has cost me a lot of worry over the years.

There are other issues which also cause her to clam up - she refuses to wear bras of the right size and doesn't want to be fitted. She only likes very plain and non underwired bras, I buy online and she returns them to me. I imagine she is about a 30F or FF, she is squeezing herself in a DD cup. Again, won't communicate, completely head in the sand.

Any advice please?

[specialsubject]

Wearing the wrong size bra doesn't matter. Stop buying bras.

Teeth do matter but she's old enough to understand consequences of refusing help.

[t875]

A lot if what your describing sounds very much normal behaviour as in the moods after my dd going through this.

Is she down in her mood?
Is she showing signs of over worrying?
Lines of communication do drop a lot at this age. But keep up structure with her. Go out as a family / maybe together time with you guys.
Don't have her stay in her room a the time. Maybe get her to some fitness as this will release stress that builds up.
Is she doing ok at school ?
X

[t875]

Also don't let her be rude. Let her know she needs to speak to you with respect. When my dd is in this mood I generally avoid too much chat and text. :-D

[Dancergirl]

t875 she is generally a happy girl, has good friends at school and is doing well academically. She doesn't spend huge amounts of time upstairs in her room, she actually prefers sitting in the kitchen while I potter around or watches tv downstairs. She does loads of exercise (dance), that's what she thrives on and enjoys it immensely so no worries there.

special I know the bra thing isn't that important but I suspect she's wearing the same one for days on end as I can tell by the washing. So I don't think she's got enough.

[whattodoforthebest2]

DD16 will categorically not discuss her bra size, having a fitting or anything remotely to do with her breasts. She's bought bras and tried them on on her own, once with me seeing them on and commenting on fit etc. but generally sorts the whole buying thing out herself. That's ok, I realise it's a sensitive topic for her. Everything else is fine and I let this one thing go. IIWY I'd take her to M&S or Debenhams and tell her she can buy herself a few bras and you don't need to see them unless she wants your opinion. (Perhaps adding that they're so much more comfortable when they fit properly.)

Re the dentist, one day she'll decide she's up to sorting out her teeth, she'll see her peers with braces and decide to go for it. Until then, it's a waiting game.

[Dancergirl]

Thanks what glad to hear she's not the only one. I know the bra thing is a sensitive subject for her and ultimately it's her decision but when it becomes a hygiene issue I feel I need to intervene.