Reassure me I am not out of touch, no parent would allow this right?

(91 Posts)
ChasingMars Tue 01-Mar-16 11:13:35

DD is 15. Steady boyfriend, also 15, lovely lad, joins in with the family and is kind and respectful to DD and ourselves. He's often round the house, joins in with family emails and movies etc. Fine by us.

They are having sex, for about a month or so. DD is open with me about it, she has visited the clinic with me and had an implant fitted, knows she must always use condoms as well and they seem sensible. Whilst I'm not thrilled I don't think sex with a steady boyfriend at 15 and a bit (she will be 16 in Autumn, he at Christmas) is anything to get my knickers in a twist about.

However....DD asked if the BF could stay over this weekend. I said of course, he's welcome on the sofa, or on a put up bed in my son's room (he's 8 and adores the BF). He lives far enough away to make it a not very safe walk if it's dark and it can be awkward with lifts if it's a Saturday and we're fancying a glass of wine late on, and his mum is on her own with a toddler so can't always pick him up. However, the sofa is NOT what DD meant! She thinks that I should allow them to share a bed! I nearly laughed my socks off and said no way, he was welcome to stay in another room as I agreed, and that once they were both 16 we could talk about it again.

Apparently I am prudish (I am not, far from it!) and of course every other parent on earth would allow this! So...would you? (I'm not going to by the way, just interested in opinions)

ChasingMars Tue 01-Mar-16 11:14:28

I meant family meals not emails btw!!!! Typos!

VimFuego101 Tue 01-Mar-16 11:16:18

I would say no too, especially with an 8 year old in the house.

Keeptrudging Tue 01-Mar-16 11:16:42

It's closing the stable door after the horse has bolted really if they're already having sex. If your permissive enough to be fine with that, I don't really understand you disapproving of them spending the night together?

Keeptrudging Tue 01-Mar-16 11:17:00

*you're

Gobbolino6 Tue 01-Mar-16 11:17:56

Meh, if they're already having sex why not?

ChasingMars Tue 01-Mar-16 11:19:12

I suppose Keep, it's that I think there's a difference between them having sex discreetly when I'm not around but to me openly allowing a 15 year old to share a bed with her boyfriend seems a step too far...and the issue that I do have two other children in the house aged 8 and 12.

Seeyounearertime Tue 01-Mar-16 11:21:20

Hmm?

INn your house, in her bed, in a safe and known environment or where?
Canal bridge? car park? graveyard?

If they're having sex, where are they having it?

I, personally, would allow him to stay in her room but i would also insist nothing so loud the 8yo could hear. etc.

LineyReborn Tue 01-Mar-16 11:21:28

Where are they having sex? Where are the other DCs then?

I think I'd choose what was safest and least disruptive all round, but for all of them.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Tue 01-Mar-16 11:22:00

We did did say no to Ds1, now 19. He was sexually active with his gf at 15. We said 18 for staying in the same room. I dont mind a bit of fairly well hidden corridor creeping, but not an official set up.

With my two younger DSes I will probably be more relaxed. But no younger than 16. And if the other parents were fine with the situation.

Hassled Tue 01-Mar-16 11:22:02

I think it's fair enough to say no - I certainly said no until mine were 16+ (and lots of parents won't allow it at all). But what you'll then have to do is pretend you can't hear the late night tiptoeing around the house that will certainly follow.

Shallishanti Tue 01-Mar-16 11:22:13

so where/when do you expect them to have sex?
it seems you think they're grown up enough to have sex but not grown up enough to do it in bed like normal adults
I don't really see what the other children have to do with it really.

roundandroundthehouses Tue 01-Mar-16 11:23:25

(Dds aged 17 and 14...) This hasn't cropped up yet in our family, but I think my reaction, both to the fact they were having sex and to the notion of them sharing a bed, would be very similar to yours.

My thinking would be that in reality you're very unlikely to stop a pair of determined 15 yr olds from having sex, that going off the deep end about it would therefore be pointless and would cause a rift between you so that she wouldn't confide potentially more serious things. And that, since in real life they're having sex, I should encourage them to be responsible about it, as you have done. However, for me it would be a step too far to let them stay overnight in the same bed. To me that would seem a little too much encouragement to do something that they are still legally too young to do. In fact, I would confirm with the boy's mother that he was staying overnight and specify that it would be a different room.

I imagine that other people think that since they're having sex at all, they might as well do it in a warm bed at home, but that's just what I think I would do.

ImperialBlether Tue 01-Mar-16 11:23:45

You can set the rules in your house. Both are technically children. I wouldn't have been happy with her having sex with him at 15, but I know there's not a lot you can do about that. I wouldn't let him stay in her room - I didn't let my children do that until they left home at 18. I'd say if he wants to stay, he stays where you tell him to, otherwise he doesn't stay. His choice.

ChasingMars Tue 01-Mar-16 11:23:59

I assume they are having sex in her room, and at his house, when we are out, he's often here on an evening and I'm often out taking the other DC's to footie, swimming etc. I don't know why I feel weird about it, but I do. DD shares a room with her sister too, it wouldn't be fair to kick her out to enable them, I suppose they could have an airbed downstairs, I can't see DH agreeing to it!!!!!!

KyloRenNeedsTherapy Tue 01-Mar-16 11:24:45

I'm in my 40s and I remember a friend of mine having her bf to stay the night in her house when she was 15. I remember thinking she had the coolest mum ever!

My boys are way younger so not sure what I would do but think if they were discreet then it's safe.

KyloRenNeedsTherapy Tue 01-Mar-16 11:25:15

Oh if she shares a room then no way!

AnthonyPandy Tue 01-Mar-16 11:28:41

I'm shocked! You cannot publically condone something that is illegal surely?

I'm a proud prude.

Seeyounearertime Tue 01-Mar-16 11:29:00

DD shares a room with her sister too

This is a bit important and wasn't in the OP.
In this situation, no, it's not fair and neither would the late night corridor creeping.

BlimeyCrikey Tue 01-Mar-16 11:30:16

My children are still so young. I'm aware my view may change, but I think that I'd rather either of them spend this time with their partners at home in a safe place than anywhere else.

I certainly won't be saying 'yes have sex, you're mature enough to now' in one breath, then 'oh no, you can't both share a bed here' in the next. It's mixed signals.

roundandroundthehouses Tue 01-Mar-16 11:30:28

As she has a (younger?) sister sharing her room, that for me would be another reason not to allow it. Also, if you have a younger one, remember that anything you do is setting a precedent!

Giving it a bit of thought, I think that either 16 or 17 would be where I drew the line. I'd probably allow my 17 yr old, but I remember dh and I being 19 and at uni, but having to sleep in the spare room when we visited our parents. They only changed it once we were living together, and I had friends whose parents didn't allow it even then!

BlimeyCrikey Tue 01-Mar-16 11:31:40

Oh hang on, she shares a room? Why didn't you mention that previously as that's a massive game changer! I wouldn't want to be in a room where anyone was having sex, so no I wouldn't want that.

timelytess Tue 01-Mar-16 11:32:12

OP, sorry, I think you need clarity.
You've supported your fifteen year old in having underage sex. Well, if she was going to do it anyway, better that she has contraception.
But now you want her not to cuddle up with her sex partner in bed? Even though you facilitated her sex life? Bizarre.
Having read that she shares a bedroom with her sister, though, I think possibly your dd needs some clarity, too. You can't shag in front of your sister, its not on. So as mum says, bf sleeps elsewhere.
Let her sleep with him on the sofa or in a guest room.

PennyHasNoSurname Tue 01-Mar-16 11:34:09

Theres a difference to knowing it is happening and condoning it. Allowing him to stay overnight is facilitating it. Imo.

I wouldnt allow overnights until over 16, qnd I certai ly wouldnt allow him overnight in the room when the sister is home too.

Dellarobia Tue 01-Mar-16 11:35:10

Agree that sharing a room with her sister makes a big difference here. I was going to say 'meh' before I read that bit.

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