MY DD hates me.

(41 Posts)
Nomore1 Mon 15-Feb-16 12:08:14

My dd will be 21 in 2 days time and hasn't spoken to us for almost 2 years now. She met her BF when she was a happy 17 1/2 year old and within weeks they were inseparable. He used to hang around with one of her friends at school although he had left to go to college and l think he was the reason she failed her 1st year of A Levels (she was an A* student) anyway they got together in the Sep 2012 and within weeks she had dropped her A Levels to do a college course she said would be better than A Levels as it was in the field she wanted to work, she applied without telling us and got a place. We agreed to let her swap but little did we know what lay ahead. This course meant she only had to go to college 3 days a week and the days she didn't go were the same day BF had off too - convenient.

If he wasn't our house she had to be at his to all hours. lf she went out with friends he always had to go or would just turn up. She was texting him upto 500 times a day even if she saw him.

By Christmas she had dropped all her friends, stopped going out and they just sat at home watching reruns on telly or baking cakes (our dd didn't like cooking and had never been interesting in learning even when she was little and told her cookery teacher cooking was not for her but now it was all she wanted to do because it was what he wanted to do).

The first time my OH met BF's mother she was so proud to tell my OH that she was going to be her eldest DD's birthing partner and that would be us soon. Christmas eve we had BF and his mother round for food and drink but would you believe she never invited us to her house when she invited our DD to spend Boxing Day with them and when my OH went to collect our DD they left him sitting in the car for almost an hour.

Things go more difficult after Christmas and the run up to her 18th birthday and it was like walking on eggshells we could not say or do anything right. But just after her 18th birthday we noticed that she was wearing a wedding ring on her left hand and when we asked about it she flow into a rage saying she had had it for ages and it was nothing to do with us.

By this time l thought it was time l spoke to his mother - big mistake- she told me she had asked our DD to move in with them and it was time she rebelled and she had run away from her parents when she was 16 with her BF who she later married and it was an abusive relationship and that wedding ring was her's and she had given it to her son (she has 2 older DD's neither married but both have children why didn't she give it to 1 of them?) and he didn't know what to do with it so he gave it to our DD. That was the day she never came home and we lost her for good.

We talked to her friends and they all said they don't like him and he has issues. This scares me.

He always used to say he had 3 mums, he has never had a dad around and his sisters had their BF's to stayover any time they liked and he shared his mum's bed until he was about 11 or 12, his sister's moved out within 6 weeks of each other and didn't speak to their mum for several years - do you see a pattern with this family or is it just me.

I think l have come to the end now and just feel it i.s time to go

VimFuego101 Mon 15-Feb-16 12:12:06

I think that at some point this is going to reach crisis point, and since you say she's already dropped her friends, if you stop contact she won't have anyone to turn to for help.

Nomore1 Mon 15-Feb-16 12:17:50

She loves this family and doesn't want anything to do with us, She says we never did anything for her or gave her anything but that just isn't true. We gave her so much.

l feel that it is now time to go because l can't go on like this anymore l want out.

Borninthe60s Mon 15-Feb-16 13:46:32

Do you mean time to go and see her? Maybe send a letter and card for her birthday? Tell her you love her but don't be judgemental. Try to be supportive and ask if you can meet her and bf.

PirateSmile Mon 15-Feb-16 13:49:00

Your dd doesn't hate you. She is being manipulated and controlled by other people. She will come back to you in time. Just keep telling her you love her.

Nomore1 Mon 15-Feb-16 18:58:24

We have tried to contact her, sent her cards for her birthday and Christmas. We have asked her to meet us but each time the reply is no that is if we get a reply.

l think that maybe it is too late and nothing will change. l think that maybe it is time to move away because the house reminds us of happier times and now it holds nothing but sadness and other days l just wish l could go to bed and never wake up. l feel so angry with these people for coming into our lives and destroying it.

PirateSmile Mon 15-Feb-16 23:02:08

it must be terrible for you Nomore1 Do you think you may need some professional help to talk through your feelings?

Nomore1 Tue 16-Feb-16 10:52:55

Talking to someone will not change the way l feel or the situation. Everything is gone/destroyed by people who don't know us or even wanted to get to know us and people who were part of our family who's main aim in life was to hurt anyone who came into contact with them.

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Feb-16 10:58:05

This is so sad. Please, though, don't let your daughter think you've given up on her. She's an intelligent young woman and one day she will wake up and wonder what the hell she's doing. When that happens she will remember your love for her and she will need you.

At the moment it seems as though she's brainwashed by this family but it won't last forever.

Nomore1 Tue 16-Feb-16 11:27:21

It has been almost 3 long years since she went to live with her wonderful BF and his even more perfect mother who she now calls Mum. The only reason l saw her almost 2 years ago is because my Dad died and they both came to the funeral and although it was a tough day OH and l made every effort to talk to her but BF as always never left her side and held onto her giving everyone the impression 'don't come near us' and as soon as the service was over they left. We tried to get them to join us for a drink but they just walked away - what could l do?

We tried going to BF's home to see her but wonderful mother always answered the door saying "She's out, she doesn't want to see you, give her time she'll come round" and even had the cheek to say she was scared of her Dad - we have never raised our hand or threatened our DD ever. But then this is the woman who said that my OH had told her son he hated him - we never used the word hate because it is so final and l have for the first time in my life used it in this post because it is final.

I too feel that she has in his life so my OH was a threat to him. He held onto our DD one arm in front holding a hand and the other around her back so that when they walked it was like they were glued together and even the wind couldn't get between them.

It was the same at her 18th birthday party he was the first to arrive last to leave and she never left his side all evening to speak to her other friends (well the ones that had made an effort to come as she hardly spoke to them by that time). This worried me and l tried to get her to spend a little less time with him, she had a great part time job she loved so l tried to encourage her to take more shifts as she was saving to go to Uni another Big Mistake on our part.

I don't thing there is anymore we can do she has a great family now and doesn't need or want us around.

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Feb-16 11:32:13

It seems more as though she's not allowed or permitted to have you around. One day she'll break through that.

Do either of them work? It seems odd that they don't spend any time apart.

Nomore1 Tue 16-Feb-16 11:45:19

No idea about work. BF's mother has so many disabislities she can only work a few hours (she is a little deaf), oldest sister has 2 children (different Dad's - not that l am judging) and mother says will never get a job, other sister also has a baby so am guessing not much work ethic there.

We have always worked and tried to teach our DD you have to work to get by, lot of use that was. Our DD always wanted to go to Uni and arranged lots of open day visits which we were happy to take her to then she throw that back in our face saying we were making her go to Uni which is just not true - we just wanted a better life for her. BF was going into the army but kept putting it off - he go asthma (never had it before and didn't see the doctor), he went on camping trip with college and found the few miles a day work too hard (our DD had done her Gold DofE a few weeks before and walked twice as far).

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Feb-16 11:55:04

He won't go in the army; he sounds far too flaky for that. You have to have a sense of independence and be willing to work hard - not qualities he seems to have.

She still seems very immature. Soon she will grow up and she will notice the difference between your families. She will return to you, you know. It must be a terrible worry. It's true, isn't it, that it's who they mix with that matters? It's so frustrating.

SiriusGoLieDown Tue 16-Feb-16 12:07:16

I could have written this. I have a nearly 20 year old. She hasn't spoken to me for best part of 2 years. Moved out when 16/17. Lives with her boyfriend and dropped her studies.

My heart breaks with missing her. We arrange meet ups and she doesn't turn up. I tag her in photos on Facebook but she doesn't reply. Won't respond to my texts. Her little brother is cute. Will babble on the phone to her. And she gets all mushy and wants to come play.

I suspect it's her boyfriend. But I can't force her to come down.

I can't even organise a meet up as she won't turn up and won't give her address. Fb and Instagram is my only means of contact.

When ready. Your daughter will come back. I wish I could offer more advice.

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Feb-16 12:16:29

Years ago there used to be groups who would stage interventions when someone was caught up in a cult. They would literally swoop in, take the person and debrief them. The stories of mind-programming were horrific. This seems to be what's happening here and it must be awful to witness your daughters going through this.

flowers

Nomore1 Tue 16-Feb-16 12:17:50

Thank you SiriusGoLieDown l too am sorry that you are going through this too. We have no contact with our DD she deleted us from her facebook days after she left along with all her friends. We paid for her phone for the 1st year/15 months but as she never replied to our calls or texts and the only person she contacted was him about 500 times a day if she went to college and the bill was going up and up as she was sending things there not included in her contract (l guess we were wrong but at the time emotions were high).

She is our only child so now we have nothing.

MsMims Tue 16-Feb-16 12:47:49

Nomore you poor thing. This situation is just beyond horrific. I really hope at some point your DD has a wake up call and makes a break from this family who have clearly brainwashed her and continue to manipulate her. The mother is appalling - how would she feel if she hadn't had any contact with one of her children. She should be welcoming you in with open arms in an attempt to resolve this.

We had a similar situation with my DSis last year. The mother of her newly acquired boyfriend asked her to move into their family home, 2 hours away from her family, job and friends. My DSis who had always been so home sick at uni that she came home every weekend disappeared for weeks. On the one occasion she met us, the boyfriend was bombarding her with text messages about when she would be back. We continued to make contact with my DSis, although fortunately that was because she usually replied to texts and calls. A few weeks later, I received a phone call from her absolutely distraught. By the time I got to her she was minimising it into just an argument with her boyfriend and went back to him. A couple of days later it transpired she had tried to leave that night, but he had taken her phone and car keys, then pinned her to the bed with his knees on her chest. He is a rugby player!

I'm grateful her first instinct was to call me, even if the truth didn't immediately out. For that reason, if the ongoing situation is too traumatic (which I'm sure it is) I would do anything possible to get the message to your DD that you love her unconditionally and are there for her whenever needed, then stop persuing contact. You are in limbo at the moment and need to look after yourselves too.

I hope she sees sense soon, no matter how great she makes out life is with these people, the controlling nature and intensity of the r/ship can't be nice to live with. flowers

Nomore1 Tue 16-Feb-16 13:26:38

MsMims l am so glad everything worked out for you and your Dsis but l don't see this ever ending she is in too deep and the sun shines out of each of their bums after all they are perfect so she keep telling us after every visit. I couldn't see it myself they never collected BF from our home we always had to drop him home, they never gave our DD a lift home mother was always too busy for that. BF even had the cheek to ask our DD to ask her Dad to take him to work one evening as his sister had his mother's car (sister only lives around the corner from mother) and when Dad said no she went ballistic (it was a 20 mile round trip, he lived 3 miles from us in the opposite direction of work) and expect he would have needed picking up at near midnight when he finished because l am sure his mother wouldn't have gone out at the time of night to collect her own DS he had yet another bump on his motorbike.

SiriusGoLieDown Tue 16-Feb-16 15:00:40

My daughter deleted me too. She added me a few weeks ago. We had a few minutes conversation on the phone and asked to come down. I got all excited and cancelled my friend coming around. Sadly she didn't ever arrive. But I had a few minutes conversation with her.

PirateSmile Tue 16-Feb-16 16:12:12

I can imagine your dd is very useful to have around the home if there is an adult with disabilities and young children around. It certainly would appear she is being brainwashed against you and you DH. It's telling that she not only cut off you and your DH but all of her friends too. It is akin to a cult but sadly I don't think anybody would take that comparison seriously.

Nomore1 Wed 17-Feb-16 19:20:29

PirateSmile we too think she has been brainwashed. BF had access to her phone and am sure he checked all her texts. The reason l think this is because our DD went to India to do some work experience for her 17th birthday and she met some really nice people there some of them boys and all her age and she kept in touch with them or at least she did until around the time she moved in with them. The boy was a friend on my DH's facebook and he told my DH they were no longer friends but would not say why except things had been said and l have always wondered if BF sent him a keep away message. Her friends have all said they don't like him but will not say why. One did say that he bullied her at school but she says everyone bullied her so can't believe everything she says but deep down l have never really trusted him - you know when you get that gut feeling?

PirateSmile Wed 17-Feb-16 19:52:16

You're in a terrible position because it's hard to know what you can do. My only advice is to persevere with trying to bring her round. Things can't get any worse that they already are so I would go full throttle and let her know by all possible means that she is being used and manipulated.

Nomore1 Mon 22-Feb-16 16:18:09

I wish we could get through to her but she has completely turned against us. We sent her a card for her birthday with yet another note asking her to contact us or meet us for a drink and to please get in touch but as yet nothing. We feel that she no longer cares and is too happy with this family and doesn't want us around. The BF never tried to get on with us even though we tried to include him if we were going out he was invited to come along no l sometimes wish we hadn't bothered. l did the same when his mother came to our DD's party, l spend the whole evening with her so she wouldn't feel out of place not knowing anyone - her son never even came over to speak to her the whole time she was there he just kept hold of our DD at the back of the hall away from everyone.

She had made her mind up and only wants them.

Nomore1 Mon 29-Feb-16 15:56:09

Well managed to get through another birthday with no word or reply to our note. l know think it is time to stop sending cards or asking her to meet us, she must be so happy with her new life that we no longer figure in it so we have to accept this and walk away.

NoahVale Mon 29-Feb-16 16:01:25

no you shouldn't accept it.
please be there for her return

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