Teenage son

[mels66]

Hello, This posting may be a long one, sorry.
My eldest son is a nightmare at the moment, he is stealing food(and alcohol) at every opportunity, despite being fed by us. We buy him stuff from the shops, ask him not to eat other stuff as its for other kids/our lunches too but it still all disappears. He swears blind(including on my life) that its not him or he hasnt taken it but I know he has!
He is also not doing so well at school, he is repeating his first year of Alevels after flunking his exams last year.
He had a job up until last september which he gave up as it was too far to travel but he shows absolutely no signs of finding another one despite me searching them out for him, and his girlfriend nagging at him.
I am at my wits end with him really, its starting to come between me and my husband(DS stepdad) and I really dont know what to do, other than threaten to send him to live with his dad.
In a lot of ways he seems a normal teen but the stealing is really getting to me
Any comments gratefully received

[Themodernuriahheep]

SoundS like mixture of hormones and depression to me.

Have you tried the long listen? Go on a long, I mean long, drive, or mammoth washing up session, or painting a fence together. Critical is length, no other people, no eye contact.

After about 30 mins ask how he's feeling ( you don't seem so happy to me at the moment, is Everything ok? ) if he asks why, don't mention the stealing, just say I don't get the feeling you are. And I love ŷou so I'm concerned . Is college going ok? What's up, doc?

He will stall for another 10 mins but then it might come out.

Avoid judgments, or comments, just reiterate you love him and are there to support but you will always love him no matter what. Ask him what would help. Send when he says something, say you will either try to do it or will consider it.

If you've done thus and there are more issues, Maryz's advice is fantastic, IME.

Hth. They are lovely but bloody nightmares.

[Borninthe60s]

Is he being bullied, doing drugs?

[Themodernuriahheep]

Those were the two I was thinking about, the first In conjunction either feeling a failure having to repeat a year esp if his siblings are doing well, but also they are all so worried about jobs and what happens if they don't do well...the second, Maryz can advise on brilliantly.

[FreezePeach]

I don't understand why using food from your own home is considered "stealing"? Okay so he shouldn't take alcohol without asking but I'm very uncomfortable with treating him as a thief for taking food.
I also think that if he is struggling with his A levels then maybe I would not be encouraging him to find a job but rather to spend more time on school work?