14 boy direspectful

[conway]

Fed up as my 14 year old boy always complaining about what I do and doesn't appreciate me. eg Moans about the food I give him.
I try really hard to give him good, wholesome food and and as a single mum working 4 days a week, time and money are in short supply. Have to also keep his younger brother fed to his liking.
He also doesn't appreciate the running around I do for him.
Last Saturday spent nearly a whole day in the car taking him to various matches.
Today spent 3 hours in the car trying to get to him as he had a bad cold.
Got lost, loads of traffic so stress levels high!
All he did was moan that I was late and driving so slow.
How do I keep it together as really loosing it. Their dad is often away so mostly down to me to do everything.

[BabyGanoush]

Then don't do it

Cancel next week's match due to poor attitude

He's old enough to help with cooking too

Time to stop running around after him so much

[Scatter]

Hi conway. I also have a 14 year old boy and recognise myself in your post. BabyGanoush is partly right, but I expect there are reasons why you can't cancel next week's match, if it's anything like at our house.

I think you do need to stop running around after him so much, but maybe you could do what I'm trying to do at the moment and make a tactical withdrawal rather than just get angry and refuse to do things for him.

I think many modern parents are guilty of doing too much for their children. I'm ashamed to admit that it's only this year that I have started to require my children (14 and 12) to tidy away their own things after meals, make their own breakfast, set an alarm clock and get themselves up in the morning, pick up their own dirty laundry from their bedroom floors, open their curtains in the morning.... I suddenly realised that they need to learn independence and do these things, and actually I find that asking them to do one thing at a time (and repeating it daily so that it soon becomes habit) is better than yelling at them about not doing anything. Also, I feel happier each day. Getting them to set their own alarm clocks/get up/make & clear away breakfast has given me an extra 20 mins in bed each morning!

With lifts, it's not so possible, but you could explain to your DS that it is wearing you out doing all the driving around, as well as taking you away from other things that you need time to do, so it would be a help if he could talk to friends about sharing lifts maybe?

Let us know how you get on and if anything works!!

[conway]

Thanks for your help.
I know I need to get both my boys to help more and I will try.
I do however think it helps his moods if he carries on with his sports as he is even more moody when he is stuck in playing xbox.
I feel guilty as I am recently separated from his father in which we had an emotionally abusive relationship.
I worry my son blames me for our seperation and he seems to be acting like his dad. ( e.g always critisising me). I think I am also over sensitive as I have had to live in a bad relationship for 19 years.
I just want to be a good mum but seem to be struggling and lost my temper on Saturday when stuck in traffic for so long. Not a good example to set my son.

[Scatter]

We all try hard to set good examples but sometimes get it wrong! There's no shame in showing your son that you get it wrong sometimes, by apologising for losing your temper and saying that you wish you hadn't. You never know, that might teach him to apologise sometimes when he has done or said something that he wishes he hadn't.

Sorry to hear about your relationship and your separation. I hope that, from now on, your son will see you in a more positive light and, in time, will learn not to criticise you. But do rest assured that some of it is normal teenage behaviour. I am in a (mainly!) loving, stable marriage and my sons both criticise me and expect too much of me sometimes too.

[AcrossthePond55]

I don't mean to be over thinking things, but if you've come out of an EA relationship, is it possible that either your son is modeling some of his father's behaviour towards you or that you are 'appeasing' him because that's how you kept the peace with your EA spouse?

[conway]

I am sure you are right about my EA relationship.
I am just not sure how to deal with it.
I dealt with it with his dad by seeing a solicitor and getting a divorce. Can't really divorce my son!

[AcrossthePond55]

Most children that age can be a bit 'lippy' or 'eye roll-y' at times, but they usually stop after a few very stern words. It seems to me you're recognizing that your son's behaviour and/or your reaction to it is different than that.

I think you should see a counselor or child psychologist. A few sessions on your own where you can discuss your EA marriage and your son's behaviour and your reaction to it with an expert might give you the tools you need to deal with the situation.

It does need to be nipped in the bud before it becomes ingrained in him.

[BabyGanoush]

Scatter, I think you are right.

I think you can try to draw lines without anger/appeasing? I sometimes (often) tell the boys their behaviour is not ok, that it hurts my feelings. "Don't talk to me like that please!", typically they mumble "ok" or "sorry" and then I drop it.

So I pull them up on it before it becomes a big thing.

Helping out more is essential too.

But it's easy to fall in the trap of "quickly doing it myself" guilty

[wannabestressfree]

I am the same and sometimes I think it doesn't hurt to show them they have over stepped the mark and hurt you. Even if it doesn't get an immediate apology they get there in the end :)