Not the biggest problem in the world, but reassurance wanted...

(12 Posts)
CharlieA Mon 25-Jan-16 10:40:16

My son (nearly 12) is in Y7. He had a rough ride socially at primary school as there were no other quiet, studious, 'non-footbally' boys in his class. He really looked forward to going to secondary as he was excited about making new friends, something which he's never had a problem with outside of school.

All seemed to be going well, but the boys that he seemed (at least on the surface) to have made friends with are now being really abusive to him and are excluding him from their circle. Apparently he's 'not cool enough'. His dad and I have pointed out that we're all geeks in our family, and if being in with the 'cool kids' means being as horrid/arrogant as they are, then it's better to not be their friends. He does seem to have some lovely (more geeky) friends in his class. He seems reluctant to let go of wanting to be 'in' with them, though. I found him googling 'how to be cool' last night, which broke my heart.

Can someone who's gone through this just reassure me that this is all normal stuff? It feels like there's nothing his Dad and I can do to help him.

Madlizzy Mon 25-Jan-16 10:42:35

It's not normal and you can help him. He's being bullied and your first port of call is his head of year to get it dealt with.

CharlieA Mon 25-Jan-16 10:46:26

Thanks Madlizzy :-) The school have been great before when he's been physically bullied but I wasn't sure if you could go to them with name calling etc. He asked me what a "waste of sperm" meant the other day as that was what some kids had called him. It seems that so many kids just default to cruel :-(

Madlizzy Mon 25-Jan-16 10:54:15

Abusive language is horrible and yes, the school should sort it.

lljkk Mon 25-Jan-16 16:51:29

In meantime, he needs to find the true geeks.
My son struggled to make friends until he finally ditched chasing the cool sporty crowd & got together with the other gawky boys.
It's absolutely fine to like whatever your son likes* and to find similar people.
If people are making him feel bad then they are the ones with uncoolness problem, not your son.

*NB: I was like 20 before I learnt that, legacy of bullying can be so bad.

CharlieA Wed 27-Jan-16 17:27:05

lljkk, I totally agree. I told him that being a 'cool kid' can often mean having to do stuff that you don't like or agree with, just to stay 'in'. But, as you say, most of us learn that, it's just a painful lesson so early :-(

AChickenCalledKorma Thu 28-Jan-16 19:21:11

DD1 is a very geeky girl and went through a similar phase at exactly this stage of year 7. It seemed like there was a bit of a honeymoon period in the first term and then people started forming cliques and she didn't really fit in.

Definitely talk to the school about the abusive language - bullying can certainly be verbal and needs dealing with.

Help your son work out some strategies for meeting the other boys who are more on his wavelength. It's easier to let go of being in the "in crowd" if you've got your own crowd - even if it's a crowd of two or three! DD has found the more geeky lunchtime clubs are a good option (astronomy, anyone?!) and has given up on hanging out in the lunch hall because it's a magnet for bored teenagers who want to "banter", which she doesn't like.

PirateSmile Thu 28-Jan-16 19:28:17

Bless his heart. I know a lot of kids want to fit in with a cool crowd and never quite manage it but googling how to be cool is heartbreaking.

Inform the school about the bullying and ask them to keep an eye on that. I've told my ds1 and ds2 that all they need in life is one friend who will have their back. If your ds can find that one friend he'll be fine.

DionChappie Thu 28-Jan-16 19:35:14

I was just about to start a thread about the exact same thing. My beautiful boy told me today that he feels lonely. He's part of a friendship group but they exclude him at the weekends. It's heartbreaking and I don't know what to do to help. I'll be watching with interest.

Twowrongsdontmakearight Thu 28-Jan-16 19:36:54

My DS went through similar things early on too. The people he wanted to hang out with were probably cool kids and it was difficult. It took a while for him to want to be friends with less 'obvious' boys but he has now got a group of more like-minded friends. It takes time and some heartache but he'll get there in the end.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 28-Jan-16 19:58:45

I think your son is guilty of trying to breach the in crown. Otherwise known as the mean kids -
Y7 will make and break friendships at the drop of a hat - DS needs to be friendly with lots of them - so who's he over looking? Who else needs Friend he's not seeing? Who else has no one to sit by?

There will be plenty on non cool kids he just needs to open his eye and be open to other kids -

DD BF was the geekiest tallest girl in the school - not some one she saw as friendship material - yes judgy - but she stopped trying and found a friend

BabyGanoush Thu 28-Jan-16 22:46:46

That is probably a good way to look at it Sally

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