Boxer shorts Part 2- our transgender teen

[DorynownotFloundering]

Thought I'd start the New Year (belatedly) with a new thread as I've changed my name a bit- for those who don't know Dory, she is one of my favourite characters in our all time favourite family film- Finding Nemo. Her motto is "just keep swimming" which seems apt for me.

Anyway to recap for anyone who want so know, I make no apologies about doing this as a sort of diary, & as ever MN-ers have been very kind & supportive.

Back in early 2014 my then daughter came out as trans and is now my son. Then 16 yrs old.

He was near suicidal back then but is now doing really well, after a rocky road, on testosterone therapy, voice has broken and is starting to shave-so weird having only had daughters!- and so much happier.
Who knew that a little bit of bum fluff on a face could cause such a grin?!!

I have struggled with each new change but a little less each time, I no longer cry every day/week ,maybe not once month which is amazing.

Seeing my child so happy and content (most of the time) has helped me more than I would have thought. He is obviously having hormonal days as any teen would & there have been "words" when he oversteps the mark but nothing we can't handle together thankfully.

He did really badly at his AS' last summer, partly due to the emotional strain of transitioning but also an estrangement from his dad who was struggling to accept it all and nearly fell apart.

But he picked himself up & we both went in to see his careers advisor at college (I wanted to know the options & the financial implications as well as to support him) who was brilliant and got him on an Access course which has suited him down to the ground. He is doing so much better academically and this has helped his self esteem and confidence and got him back on track to hopefully go to Uni in the autumn. He has sent off the dreaded UCAS form and is waiting to hear what offers he might get.

At his last appointment at his gender clinic he was signed off for reconstructive chest surgery & hopes to get that out of the way sometime during the summer break so he is healed and recovered before going off to Uni. Depends on the waiting lists.

[DorynownotFloundering]

Oops pressed post too soon!

Was going to finish my ramble by saying this experience has in no way made me any expert but if anyone is struggling with their own child in this way I'm glad to share what I can.

I have found a brilliant fledgling parents support group that has really given me some help through all this, but they are few & far between.

[bchvrs]

Just wanted to say your attitude towards your son is amazing + inspiring. Keep doing what you do being such a wonderfully supportive parent. Your son couldn't ask for any better than you!

[DorynownotFloundering]

awww thanks bchvrs not posting for pats on the back but as an indulgence as it really helps on bad days to look back at how far we have both come.

One thing I would say is it is OK and quite natural to NOT want to be supportive & feel totally negative about it all in the beginning, it was totally shit TBH as it is a situation you would never want or choose for your child but are thrust into.

Head in the sand reaction or total denial are quite common.

[bchvrs]

Maybe not for pats on the back but you definitely deserve plenty! I love reading stories such as yours, people really do need to hear them.

The important thing is you have helped your child overcome his struggles + showed him a positive future! I am glad things are looking up for all of you. What matters is the continued support despite possible initial reactions. Just wonderful to hear so thank you for sharing

[DorynownotFloundering]

sigh and yet again the anti-trans brigade are out in force.

Clarkson has really overstepped the mark this time comparing tran kids to prostitutes.

a synopsis of his vile article

[DorynownotFloundering]

sigh really struggling with it all at the moment.



Having 2 young adults with MH issues is really taking its toll. DS is doing so well but still has wobbly days and yesterday failed his driving test for the second time which pissed him off as he made a silly mistake. It also impacts on me as I am STILL mums bloody taxi which I was looking forward to getting away from. He does take the bus when he can but it isn't good being in the sticks & he needs lifts to his weekend job which breaks up my only 2 days off. I feel very selfish but I would love just one day without having to go out or do anything.

DD is still struggling with her depression and now she is (mostly) living away from home it is difficult to know how to support her but she comes back regularly. She finds it difficult dealing with officialdom so its a constant battle with DWP / housing people/doctors trying to get her some help while still encouraging her to do as much as possible for herself and not make choices for her.

They are both my darling children and I am so proud of how they are fighting for their own happy futures but sometimes its so draining doing it alone.

[KillashandraRee]

Dory I found you!

sorry took me a while.

How is DD has she stopped her studies completely now? Is she working at all or just trying to get herself in a better place to restart? She is still living where she was at uni isn't she? How is that working?

Sounds like DS has taken some big steps forward in his transition. How is his course going is he working hard? Is it working better for him?

What a shame about the driving test I think it's understandable you feel fed up. Does he get too nervous in the exams? Third time lucky hopefully does he have to wait a long time before he can try again?

How is exH behaving these days has he started to call DS by his name/ use he or his? Surely with such visible physical changes he has to come to terms with who DS is now?

And how is the new year treating you? ( by the way) have you been able to get time for you to do things with friends / have a bit of me time?

Is the new house all sorted? Do you like it?

Is there any chance of meeting someone for you? Might be nice to have a few dates and get spoiled?

Glad I found you, you are doing amazingly as always

[DorynownotFloundering]

Hi Killash good to "see" you

Sorry I kept meaning to reply but it was going to be a long one so thought I'd wait till I had more than 5 minutes!!

Yes DD has finished Uni for now. She's been seeing a lovely new psychiatrist who gently told her that it was her choice but he thought she had struggled on long enough and would not start getting better until she took away the stressors in her life. It was like he gave her permission to step back & concentrate on getting better, which we had all tried to suggest in different ways. She is still living in her house share, which I think is better for her with her fab housemates, they feed her tea & chocolate on bad days & she can offload on them when she wants & they leave her alone when she can't face talking. She is up& down but is starting CBT soon so am hoping that will help. She is home for a few days this weekend as it is DS/my birthdays so that will be nice.

DS is doing so well it is amazing, doing well at college, getting fab grades & starting to sort out Uni has had 3 offers already just waiitng to see what the other two are so he can decide. He's going to look at one with DD next week as I have work & they can have a fun trip together. He is booking his next driving test this week when he gets paid & his Dad has added him to his insurance so he can just drive everywhere with him and get his confidence up. They have smoothed over the cracks in the relationship, it will sadly never be the same again but DS & he are talking & he is being much more supportive, DS spends more time with him & is happier now he is less antagonistic, he (ex) is trying hard to accept it all.Even Granny has started calling him Newname or darling if she forgets

I am settled in the not-so new house & have just renewed the tenancy for another year so feel more settled. Still lots to sort out but hoping as things calm down I should have time for doing that.

DS is due to have top surgery in the summer & that will involve time off work to go away to the specialist centre in Brighton so am working as much as I can now to store up a cushion of money for a few weeks off.

Not much chance of meeting anyone but am making new friends in the area & getting out a bit more which is always good, see what happens on the dating front

[ConfusedMumma]

Just want to say you've been a real inspiration to me, as a mum just about to start this journey; reading your posts has given me hope in what feels at the moment, like a desperately dark situation. Thank you from the bottom of my heart x

[DorynownotFloundering]

How are you Confused ?
Did answer your PM xx

[KillashandraRee]

Hey Dory how are you? Sorry I forgot my password so haven't been able to post for ages.

How is DD? Is she feeling any better? How is DS getting on? Are you keeping on swimming Dory? Hope all is well with you all. Killa xxx

[DorynownotFloundering]

hiya Killa !

Just checked in for the first time in ages, sorry I missed your last message!

DD is home now (temporarily ) & slowly getting better- have just had a nice long w/e away with her & she was really chilled & happy, only one small anxiety attack so all good.

DS is spinning like a top getting ready to go away to Uni next weekend- he is so excited & happy it's lovely to watch, I shall be sad when he goes after all we've been through but he is SO ready to leave home. :D :D

He has his top surgery booked for late Nov so will finish term early so he can recover over Christmas, he just had to take the first date that would mean him missing the least study time.

I am feeling very calm, looking forward to getting into a new routine & hopefully getting DD back to some sort of work, probably volunteering at first to get her confidence up- she is applying for council housing for next year locally so that would be good for her confidence.

Not sure what this next year will bring but hopefully just more of the same, slowly moving forward and getting my life back on track & having more me time!!

hows things with you?

[marvelousdcomics]

Hi Dory. I have read both of your threads concerning your DS, and you sound like a fab, supportive, amazing mum! I think I am beginning this journey now. Dd14 is very unhappy, and is certain that she is a boy. Its so hard to understand and we're both struggling. Any advice would be appreciated

[PixieMiss]

Fantastic to see an update Dory I often think of you and your family

[DorynownotFloundering]

Hi all
Have been really busy with work & bloody real life so no MN time

Anyhoo just popped on here for a handhold if anyone is around. DS has his top surgery next week & he had his pre op assessment last week. Lovely surgeon & staff, nice hospital so all my concerns answered. He is ecstatic & I'm so glad for him but since then I've fallen apart & I can't stop crying at random moments totally bizzare. It's like I was 2 years ago which I expected but I've been ok with it all got my head round it & accept it's what he needs to do for his future.
I think it's because this is really it the first cross over the point of no return, & I'm finally having to say goodbye to my daughter for good. My child is still the gorgeous funny sassy person just in a different from and for him it is the realignment of his inner & outer self & he is so happy I cannot let him see me like this, so must get my big girl knickers hoiked up to my chin & stop the chin wobbles. He is home on Friday & we go to Brighton on Sunday to stay with a friend for a few days while he has the op & gets well enough to travel ( we are 5 hours away from the specialist)

Just when I thought I was doing so well bugger it. Think I'm still wobbly from all the post election crap & uncertainty & THAT doesn't help.

Off to drink more tea until it's time for home & a glass of vino xx

[Timetogetup0630]

Welcome back Dory.
No experience of this at all but not surprised you feel wobbly.
What a huge thing to deal with!
You are probably mourning the loss of your daughter.....
Hugs

[KillashandraRee]

Dory are you still here? I've been locked out of Mumsnet for ages. Hope you're ok x

[DorynownotFloundering]

Back after a self imposed break. I was ok after that last post but just wanted to update.

My darling old mum knew I was having a wobble & on the day of my DS surgery drove 2 hours in the most awful weather to keep me company when he went down. As he went off on his trolley, nicely woozy from his premed, I waited for a moment & had a good roar on mums shoulder, that was it,she was gone.
I was fine after that,he recovered well, healed brilliantly & was SO pleased & happy after surgery it really helped me move on.
He is now immersed in life at University doing a science degree and has moved out, when home to live with his sister who is in a nearby town. I see them both often.

Thanks for all the kind support on here. As a result of my experiences I now run a parent support group for trans parents. Not that I am an expert but to share experiences & for others to know they are not alone.

[Leeds2]

Glad your DS is doing well!
And well done for setting up/running the parent support group - it will be an invaluable resource to those using it.

[DorynownotFloundering]

Thanks Leeds, we have some amazing families & kids. It's just such a shame they can't get more help at the beginning, with family counselling, but like everything else in the NHS, over stretched budgets sadly.

[Timetogetup0630]

Nice to hear from you Dory thanks for sharing and updating and pleased that all seems to be going well.

[Italiangreyhound]

@DorynownotFloundering I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum.

We have someone in our wider family, and family friends whose daughters are presenting as gender fluid.

I think different people react in different ways, and just don't know initially how to deal with this, what to say when asked things like "Can you call me 'he'?" "Can I get a binder?" "Can I change my name?"

I've read loads of things from a feminist perspective and I really do believe girls can be anything, they don't need to be boys to dress or act a certain way.

However, not sure how to face questions from young people on some of these issues. I am trying to sit on the fence because I am not really at one extreme or the other, and am aware how very sensitive this topic is.

Talking to young people today they are quite wrapped up in 'gender identity' and every other kind of identity, sexual identity. Many are gay or bisexual and it feels like these topics are being discussed much younger than they ever were for my generation (I'm in my 50s.)

It's so hard to know what to say to questions like the ones above.

Please don't feel you need to say anything here, but if you are able to give your perspective from the past, or link to your previous thread, please do.

Bless you and I hope things are well for both your children. My dd has mental health issues so you totally have my empathy on that.

You are a great mum.

[Italiangreyhound]

@therealposieparker the OP has another daughter with mental health issues. That is who I was referring to.

Your post is hugely judgemental of a parent who has tried to support her, now adult child.

Like many I am very much opposed to this route for young women but it is sometimes the case that people make choices we as parents do not wish to see, and if they are legal choices there may be nothing parents can do. I do understand your outrage but I think it is really ill placed on this thread,.