13 yr old ds has just deliberately destroyed his guitar

[Orange1969]

I'm devastated - ds's guitar is his favourite possession. He plays with it all the time and takes it to school as he is learning to play it.

He got into a mood because a string broke and just smashed it up.

It was his birthday present and cost me a lot of money.

Obviously, I am not going to buy him a replacement and it can't be repaired.

He's currently sulking in his room, having had his computer, mobile and tablets confiscated.

The worst thing is that he is going to be so angry at himself once he calms down.

He is prone to the occasional meltdown, but nothing like this.

[Jinglebells99]

Oh gosh , I'd be devastated too and furious tbh. Is there something going on that caused him to react like this? Tough lesson to learn, but I wouldn't replace it.

[gamerchick]

It's a good lesson to learn about things staying broken when you've calmed down. No way would I replace it.

Is there something else going on with him maybe? It's quite an extreme way to react.

[SoWhite]

Yep, do not replace it. He can out of money he acquires in the future - he needs to learn about the relationship between earning/spending/possessions and why smashing it was so abhorrent.

[Whathaveilost]

I would be more bothered by what has caused such a strong aggressive action against an item he loves. It's not unusual for a string to break. I would think that was the final straw that has pushed him over the edge.

Once things are calmer I do think you under to have a very gentle chat to find out what went on beforehand.

Yes, I would be upset about the guitar and no I wouldn't be buying him a new one anytime soon but look at the bigger picture.

Of course I could be waffling bullshit but people don't usually damage their own things for a relatively minor reason.

[Pipistrella]

Has the school got one he can borrow? He will need something to practise on.

[Orange1969]

Thanks all.

I don't think there is anything going on. He seems to enjoy school, although he obviously finds it very tiring. He was a summer baby and was born three weeks early. Had he been born two weeks late, he would be in the year below the one he is in now.

The school does seem to exert pressure on the children - lots of tests etc.

He did have some problems with refusing to go to school. Dh and I were very concerned. The school have written to us saying they will not allow any more unauthorised absences. Last week, he was off school for two days with a bug. We supplied the school with Dr's note.

Dh and ds have both had meetings with the head of year to reiterate the importance of regular attendance.

We have established that he is not being bullied or experiencing anything else that is causing stress.

[Orange1969]

Pip - he has another guitar, which has been removed from his room.

I wonder if some of the music he listens to - the likes of Marilyn Manson - is having a bad influence on him?

[PacificDogwod]

Oh, I'd be livid with him too!

So wait until you both have calmed down and then talk to him about anger and how to manage it.
Don't replace the guitar but use what happened to try and figure out what skills he can learn to stop him from following angry impulses he then regrets. Stuff like counting to 3 10, punching a pillow or throwing something else soft that won't do any harm.
We all get angry from time to time, no shame in that; it's what we do with that anger that matters.

[SoWhite]

Music doesn't have a bad influence on people, no.

Marilyn Manson is inspiring him to pursue a hobby he loves. Never a bad thing.

[timelytess]

Put it out of your mind. Don't bother being angry with him. He's smashed up his guitar and now he doesn't have it - valuable life-lesson there. If he mentions it, say 'Yes, you were a prat, weren't you?' Do not listen to his pleas for a new guitar or a loan to buy one, when they come. Give him his stuff back. He's a grown-up now. Start giving him adult responsibility for contributing to the chores and to the family.

[Pipistrella]

Ok, with the school refusal there has to be something deeper than a bit of music going on.

You really do need to completely ease off on any disciplinarian strategies - I don't mean you are Victorian parents but don't try and emphasise anything top-down, about attendance and stuff.

That will drive it underground, whatever is bothering him.

He needs to feel he can relly confide in you. One of you will do. Don't try and make him behave like he should without listening very carefully to what is making him feel unable to comply.

I hope you can manage to have a conversation with him - reassure him that you are interested in how he feels more than whether he is in school or not. If he feels alright he'll be there anyway iyswim.

[PacificDogwod]

Do not blame whatever music he is listening to.

I agree that there is likely something else going on.

Are you normally able to get him to open up to you? Really listen to him??

[Pipistrella]

What I mean is, children don't refuse school for no reason. They really don't do that.

He hasn't told you what it is, yet, but that doesn't mean the reason isn't there.

This is where you have to search and where you have to work on getting him to trust you enough to share his worries.

Maybe there is another family member or friend he could confide in instead?

Whoever it is, he needs someone to know what's going on.

[Pipistrella]

Also make sure he knows he is your priority, not compliance with school - obvs you need to keep them happy, but try and stand between him and these rules. He needs your support right now. His feelings matter far more than all that. And it's very possible it's bullying, IME - sorry

[SpaceDinosaur]

Trust me, it won't be the music. If anything, what he listens to will be inspiring him to learn and play.

Do not throw the smashed up guitar away.

Don't clean or clear it up. It's his responsibility. Seeing it once he calms down will hopefully show him in the cold light of calm what he has done.

The school etc sounds like he's pushing it with you.

At 14, he's caught up. His early delivery, his birthday, they're no longer relevant. If he wasn't coping or if you are genuinely worried for him then ask the school to hold him back a year. If it's not that serious then stop presenting it as an excuse.

[NerrSnerr]

It won't be the music he's listening to. Music is a good thing that is encouraging his hobby. I wonder if there is something going on that you don't know about yet.

[ImperialBlether]

Blimey, a string can break in the middle of a huge gig - I wouldn't think much of a musician who just smashed his guitar as a result! I used to hate that at the end of gigs years back, though, when guitars got smashed. I think it's really disrespectful to do that.

[Pipistrella]

The school etc sounds like he's pushing it with you

Respectfully, I disagree.

You need to establish what caused him to act like this - it's odd, we all agree on that. I have a 12.5yo, and if he did something like this it would freak me right out - it would indicate something was very, very wrong.

[Orange1969]

Thanks, Pacific - good idea re anger management.

He's now sobbing loudly and shouting at dh

This is awful. I can't believe it.

He's an only child, born after multiple miscarriages. Dh and I very PFB about him and do indulge him rather. We both had difficult childhoods and probably spoil him...

[Pipistrella]

Which of you does he open up to more? Whoever it is - go and sit with him and listen. Don't get angry about the instrument. Just listen.

[Orange1969]

Thanks all - I quite like fancy Marilyn Manson myself. I agree - it isn't the music that is the problem, just grasping at straws.

Yes, there must be something behind this - I just hope I can get to the bottom of it as it very hard to get him to open up at the best of times.

[PacificDogwod]

Get your DH to back off just now - thinks are too fraught by the sounds of it for opening up.

[Pipistrella]

All I can suggest is to tell him very firmly that you put him and his feelings above anything the school might require, and that you love him, and that you want him to be OK.

He needs to know that you will support him whatever has happened, whatever he needs, and whatever he feels.

You might think he knows this already, but it can't hurt to reassure him.

[Whathaveilost]

Seriously, a broken guitar string has not cause this!

My teenis the easiest kid in the world with hobbies, all the clothes he wants, loads of friendsand is usually chatty and funny.
However now and then I see him building up like a pressure cooker and I know it's time to get away from everything ( a drive somewhere, tea out, just the two of us, anything) and let him speak in his own time.

He has described all pressure from 'everywhere'. What it boils down to is he is bothered whether he had made the right exam choices, he doesn't know if he wants uni or try for an apprenticeship, he doesn't know if he will will do well enough because all the teachers tell him he is 'clever'
Everybody often he needs to get it out.

First time I saw the build up he was 14 and sat on the settee and cried his heart out. I learned vey quickly not to assume everything is ok with a teenage boy just because everything seems fine.

[Whathaveilost]

By the way Marilyn Manon is fab. Me and DH went to see him at Manchester in November on the last night of the tour.