HELP!! I have no idea what to do about my daughter. This is a long one! I am a lone parent with a 15 year old daughter. She's never met her dad and has always said that that doesn't bother her at all. We've always been incredibly close, and over the last 2 years, as she's grown up, I've tried to be sensible about her pulling away from me, and allowed her a certain amount of freedom to learn life's lessons and make her own mistakes (within reason!!).
She's always been a great kid. Worked hard at school, been polite, well behaved etc etc, until this year.
Over the summer holidays she spent most of her time with a couple of friends who are also pretty good kids, from nice families. In the last week of the holidays I found out that the 3 of them had been taking drugs almost every day through out the holidays. Daughter had logged onto her facebook using my phone one day, and when I went to go on my facebook I didn't realise it was logged onto hers, and on checking messages there were lots about taking drugs, buying drugs etc. The 3 of them had become friends with a 16 year old at their school who was selling them ecstacy, cocaine, weed. I spoke with the other parents and we had a meeting at the school with the headmistress, the school got the police involved, but when all was said and done, there wasn't much support really other than us parents staying in contact and talking things through amongst ourselves. All three girls were grounded. Pocket money was stopped and any shopping that daughter wanted to do she was accompanied by me so I didn't have to give her money which could have been spent on drugs. We had long discussions, and although she was aware of the health risks and knows all the legal stuff, her reasons for taking drugs were that she enjoyed it and it made her feel good. I slowly lifted her restrictions until I felt I could trust her again, and we sat down together to make a set of "rules" which we both agreed on for things like help around the house, the time she was to be in each evening, pocket money etc.
All seemed to be going well until a couple of months ago when she asked to stay overnight at a friends. I said she could aslong as I had the phone number and address of the parents incase I needed to get hold of her. I said she was to be back by 12 the next day so we could go to her pony to feed, groom him etc. I didn't end up being given the parents details and got a text the following morning to say she'd be home late afternoon. I immediately smelt a rat, and after much discussion with her once she eventually got home I found out she'd stayed in a different town, with the older brother of the person who'd been selling the girls drugs over the summer. I was furious!! Anyway, she was grounded for a week, and we revisited the "rules" to see how we were getting on with them and if we both still agreed on them.
Our rules haven't really worked terribly well. She does very little to help around the house. I've only asked her to bring down her dirty washing and dishes from her room and tidy up after herself. I often come in from work to find biscuit and sweet wrappers lying all over the floor, cupboards open, mouldy, yes mould dishes in her bedroom, her stuff scattered around the house, wet towels in a heap in the corner of her bedroom. The usual teenage stuff I guess. She agreed she would try to stick to the rules from then on.
A while later I went in her bedroom to clear out the dirty clothes etc. In the pile on her floor there were a couple of tops still with shop labels on, and beside them a pile of jewellery still attached to the cardboard shop labels. Also several bottles of perfume and a load of underwear. Over £100 worth altogether. I just had a terrible feeling that she'd stolen these items and I was right. We had a discussion when she came home, and I did get pretty angry with her, but she eventually admitted to stealing the items. She said she did it because I didn't give her money to buy things. My daughter most often gets what she wants eventually. I never give in to her requests straight away as I want her to learn that she can't have everything she wants. If she asks for a pair of trainers, if she doesn't absolutely need them I'll buy them a month or 2 later. She wanted a new phone so she got the one she wanted 5 months later for Christmas. If there's something she really needs then we'll go shopping for it or I'll give her money to go shopping with her friends. I'm a bit more reluctant to give her money these days as I gave her £100 to buy some things for going back to school at the end of summer and it got spent on drugs.
So, we had a big discussion about the wrongs of stealing, criminal records and how they can affect your career prospects, how she would feel if everyone know she was a thief etc etc and she promised not to do it again. 2 weeks later we went on a nice shopping trip together to get her some essentials and head a nice meal out, and things looked like they were getting back on track.
Christmas came, and among her presents she had £120 so she could go shopping in the sales with her friends. She went on boxing day and spent £30, then went 2 days later to spend some more. She arrived home that evening and straight away I could see she had taken drugs of some kind. Her pupils were like saucers and her jaw was going back and forth, and she tried to tell me she hadn't taken anything. She eventually admitted she'd taken something but wouldn't say what. I asked her what she's bought at the shops and the answer was "nothing". On asking how much money she had left, I eventually got the answer "£10". She should have had about £70. To this day she still can't tell me where the money is, and swears blind she didn't spend it on drugs, that she was just given them by someone.
Daughter was grounded again. I told her the most hurtful thing was that I work hard for our money, and it was a big deal for me to give her £120 on top of the presents I'd bought, and that it really hurt me that she'd come home high as a kite on drugs with no money left.
I went out to work this week and asked her to do the few dishes in the sink before I got home and hoover the lounge which she did, and I thought she had perhaps learnt her lesson. Day 2 and I asked her to tidy out her underwear/nightwear drawer while I was out and I would bring her home a McDonalds for her tea (she LOVES McDonalds!!). She didn't tidy out her drawer and was back to being a grumpy teenager. Day 3 and we went riding on our horses and she was great. Although still grounded I said she could stay at a friends on New Years Eve. The friends mum rang me to reassure me of their plans for the evening, and I picked her up early afternoon today from the friends. All was well until she started getting grumpy and horrible in the car on the way home. For the last couple of months she's been smoking cigarettes, and spending lunch money and any other money she gets on tobacco and rolling her own cigarettes. She was demanding that I buy her cigarettes and got very angry and nasty when I said no. She went on and on at me and I got quite annoyed with her, and by the time we'd got back to the house she was doing her usual of saying she wouldn't listen to me, would go out if she wanted to even thought she's grounded and I annoyed her all the time.
So, I have no idea what to do!! Sometimes we get along brilliantly, but often she turns into this horrible monster who shows absolutely no respect for me. She thinks she rules the roost and can order me about and make all the decisions. I sometimes get quite angry at her, but try to remain calm and suggest we talk things through. We usually end up having a discussion about what we can both do to make things better, and setting some ground rules which 9 times out of ten she breaks. I know I'm not blame free and the way I react sometimes doesn't help. I can get frustrated and shout at her. I've started walking away now when I feel the anger rise. I sit down and have a cup of tea then go back to try to talk to her in a calm way. We sort everything out but then it's only a matter of time until she does something again. I've tried being understanding and reasonable and talking things through and that doesn't seem to work. I've tried being a bit stricter and that doesn't work.
I remember when I was a teenager and yes, I lied to my parents sometimes, and did things sometimes that they would have probably been horrified at if they'd known. I know I have to let her find her own way in life to a certain degree, but I can't carry on with the way things are. When at home she spends most of her time in her room chatting to friends on one of the social media sites. We agreed to have a few hours once a week to do something together, going out for lunch or tea, shopping, going to the local Sunday market, a trip somewhere. It's never really happened as she can't be bothered or she'd rather be with friends. I work full time and leave the house around 8 in the morning. She leaves for school at 8.25. I always make her breakfast and take it to her in bed so I know she's awake and fed before I leave. 2 or 3 times EVERY week I have the school contact me because she's turned up late, sometimes not until mid-morning. Surprisingly at school she's otherwise not doing too badly. She's in her 4th year of high school and in the top streams for all her subjects. Her homework is sometimes not handed in on time, but other than that her work is generally good. After school I arrive home about half an hour after her, and most days she's gone back out with friends so I don't see her until she's back late evening. We set a rule that she was to be back for tea at 6pm every day, and she could go back out again after tea if she had done her homework. She very rarely comes back in at 6pm, and so food is ruined and has to get thrown out. She never answers her phone when I ring her. We set a rule that I could ring her once when she's out, just to check in and find out where she was and what her plans are. She stuck to this I think for 2 days, then refuses to answer her phone or texts when she's out which she knows infuriates me. It's so frustrating not being able to get in touch with her when I know that she knows I'm trying to reach her.
I just have no idea how to enforce the standards I expect her to stick to. I just want her to come in for her tea, go where she says she's going to go, stick to what's legal and safe and show me just a tiny bit of respect. Sorry this is so long, but I'm at a loss as to what to do to make our relationship better and have come to the end with all of this. It's really affecting me and I'm not sleeping very well. I worry about her when she's out as I have no idea sometimes where she, who she's with or what she's doing. She lies sometimes about these things and doesn't seem to understand why that worries me. I love my daughter hugely, and I know she loves me, but right now I don't like her one bit and I think the feeling's mutual :(
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Teenage troubles - long one!
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becks00 · 01/01/2016 17:50
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