dd and abusive bf - now ex bf

(110 Posts)
worriedmum64 Thu 17-Dec-15 09:57:20

I have NC for this as my dd knows my login name and I really don’t want her to read this.
DD17 has had a bf, in the same year at sixth form, for over a year now. They started off as friends but over the last few months have begun a bf/gf relationship. He has been to our house a lot, seemed very quiet but nice, obviously adored dd who I always thought ran circles round him a bit.
At school yesterday, dd went to the library with another boy. To revise. Her bf found out about this, phoned the other boy, asked if they were together, boy said yes, we are sitting together in public in the library. Bf phoned dd, was vile to her. They then had to attend a class together, he sat behind dd whispering things such as “I hope you fucking die”, “you slag, you whore” etc. Dd had a panic attack, felt as though she couldn’t breath, was sweating, felt faint etc, left class, was looked after by a teacher.
Bf then contacts her after school (he had also been texting her all day long) and asked that they meet up. Dd said yes. Verbal abuse continues for 2 hours, he is hysterical and threatening suicide at some points, telling her he will have to get tested for STD at others. Dd spent much of the time in panic attack mode again. Eventually her friend comes by and brings her home.
Dd is very, very upset. She knows what bf (now ex) has done is abuse and there is no way she will forgive. She has blocked him from her phone and social media. She says she is most worried that he told her he will turn all their friends against her and has already phoned a few who immediately contacted her and said, he’s bonkers, don’t worry. I have also told her not to worry about this as this young man is unstable and will simply come across as an idiot. I have advised she ignores him as much as possible today at school but that if he is abusive again to her she must tell a teacher. Term ends tomorrow thank goodness.
I’m worried about her though. She has never been treated like this before. She was so scared yesterday she couldn’t actually get up and walk away from this boy, she did try a couple of times but he stood in her way. I also think looking back that he has tried to really control her and neither she nor I have noticed. When she has gone out with friends and without him he has come to pick her up and bring her home. I thought that was nice of him now I wonder whether he was actually checking up on her. I feel awful that I welcomed him into my home, talked to him, laughed with him, and all the time he was leading up to this.
I’m not sure what else I can do to help dd, any thoughts please?

tuilamum Thu 17-Dec-15 10:41:18

That's awful! flowers for you and your DD
I think all you can do is what you're already doing - supporting her and making sure she know its wrong and not her fault
Does she have some close friends? Maybe ask if she wants to invite one or two to stay the night, watch movies, eat ice cream, etc. Just to generally take her mind off it and make her feel normal again. This has clearly come as a shock to her so doing something familiar, normal and comforting
Hope everything turns out for the best and someone else may have better advice about how to keep him away from her

ParochialE9 Thu 17-Dec-15 15:48:24

My DD was in an abusive relationship for almost a year. Right from the start bf was always jealous and a little controlling.If she was invited to a party without him he'd always find a reason to get himself invited or turn up outside saying he wanted to walk her home. He'd get angry if he ever saw a picture of her with another boy in it to the point where she stopped putting pictures up on social media. It came to a head when they were out Christmas shopping in London and he started screaming and swearing in her face at the tube station cos she had led them to the wrong platform! She finished with him but he begged her to take him back, he was crying on our doorstep and I actually felt sorry for him. She tried to break up three more times but he'd always convince her to take him back, buy her expensive gifts and swear he would change. Please support your daughter not to get back with him, he will not change and it will only get worse. I feel so stupid now for not seeing all the tell tale signs until afterwards but he was so manipulative and clever. She's been with another bf for 6 months now and to this day ex bf still has a problem with dd - he's slammed her current bf into a wall, groped dd at a party and bad mouthed her all round college. Good luck and I hope your dd has got out before too much damage has been done.

Peebles1 Fri 18-Dec-15 00:15:05

My DD has been in a 'rebound' relationship for five months now. She's 17 he's 19. She's at sixth form, he has his own flat and she stays round a lot. We don't approve of him and haven't let him in our house because he has a criminal record and we're pretty sure he's still involved in bad stuff. I'm posting because she's revealed tonight that it's an abusive relationship. He's very jealous of her friends and other boys. He shouts and screams at her and punches walls/doors around her. He wants her to spend all her time with him and tries to control her. We've stood back up to now because she's old enough to leave home, get a job and live with him. We don't want to lose her and want to maintain a close relationship so stepped back. Now she's told me this I've told her enough is enough and she has to finish it. She agrees but is very upset, says she loves him and he's really nice most of the time. All the usual excuses. I really want to play this right. parochial - what made your DD finally end it and not take him back? DD did try and end it once before (at this stage I just thought he was 'clingy'), but he promised to change so she didn't go through with it. I'm scared she'll do that again. worriedmum - I'm glad your daughter has at least had the sense to end it. I feel for you and hope she's ok.

specialsubject Fri 18-Dec-15 09:58:49

term may be nearly over, but is this kind of attack tolerated at the school? Relationship or not, it is bullying. The boy should be punished.

worriedmum64 Fri 18-Dec-15 12:48:12

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am so sad to read about other young women being abused.

tuilamum - thank you for the flowers. Dd and I went out with friends last night (a treat planned well in advance) . Coming home on the bus she received a phone call from ex bf (she'd forgotten to block him actually phoning her) - it was of him having sex with another girl (apparently). She came close to another panic attack and we had to get off the bus. Prior to that he had ignored her at school but continued to be vile about her.

specialsubject - the school do know some of what has gone on in the school itself. The head of sixth form told dd yesterday she had to make a statement about what had happened in the classroom.

ParochialE9, so glad your dd managed to escape such an awful relationship - but scary that her ex bf is still harbouring such nastiness towards her.

Peebles1 - I am sorry your dd has not yet been able to leave her bf. I think you are doing everything right, personally, but it must be so hard.

I am very worried that dd's ex bf's behaviour is going to escalate. I had hoped he would calm down after Wednesday and perhaps even realise how appalling his behaviour had been, but instead he is finding other ways to hurt her. She is adamant she doesn't want the school involved any more than it is and to be honest as we are at the end of term, me contacting the school won't achieve anything in the short term.

If this continues should we be thinking of involving the police? She has kept all his vile texts. But in them he hasn't actually threatened her, just been awful.

I don't know what else to do.

tuilamum Fri 18-Dec-15 13:09:18

The texts don't have to be threatening to be classed as harassment, you may be able to get a restraining order on him which means if he calls, texts, comes near her or contacts her in any way he would be subject to arrest

worriedmum64 Fri 18-Dec-15 13:21:03

tuilamum - that is really useful info, thank you.

specialsubject Fri 18-Dec-15 17:23:56

please do that. This kid is a trainee abuser already getting A* in the subject and it needs to be stopped to keep your daughter and others safe.

worriedmum64 Fri 18-Dec-15 20:52:41

dd says all was fine at school today. She has gone out with some girlfriends who all know the situation and are looking after her. She very much keeps her feelings hidden a lot of the time so I can't really tell if she is okay, she seems to be but I think she is putting on a front.

I am getting advice from a friend's husband who is a police officer. I want to know what our options are for certain and what he would suggest to do. Dd will hate this but it is something we need to do. I am hoping very much that this won't be necessary and that the bullying abusive behaviour has stopped.

Thank you to everyone who has replied on this thread. I will update with advice from police, as it might be useful for other people.

I am genuinely shocked at the fact that this type of behaviour is so common.

Mince314 Fri 18-Dec-15 20:58:27

Yes, it's good for now and for the future that this behaviour is labelled "abusive". I went through this in my 30s and it was tough. Your daughter doesn't have to answer to him.

worriedmum64 Sun 20-Dec-15 20:11:26

She is bringing him home to "chat". She has obviously unblocked him and is talking to him. I don't know what to do. She is out at a gf's birthday celebration and has texted us asking if he can come back to "sort things out". have said yes but stay downstairs so we can hear if things start becoming heated.

She is quite obviously in love with him and I think is going to take him back. I am gobsmacked.

I am at a loss. Know that if dh and I say / do the wrong thing, we will become the enemy.

Any advice, please?

Peebles1 Sun 20-Dec-15 23:18:56

Same here - she's 'giving him one more chance'. Happy bloody Christmas eh?? And yes, I've given her a lengthy talk. Argggghhhhhhh! Feeling for you xx

specialsubject Mon 21-Dec-15 09:45:46

perhaps time for the sticky post at the top of the relationships board, headed 'listen up'. It explains what a normal relationship is and to expect no less.

I know they aren't living together but she needs to have some self-esteem. In the long run, we need to breed this kind of thing out and it starts right here.

worriedmum64 Mon 21-Dec-15 10:11:05

Well dd has said they met up just to discuss the statements they both have to make to the school in January. He is obviously worried. After I told her she could bring him home to talk but that we would be in the next room they decided to meet up elsewhere instead. He asked dd if she really wanted him to leave her alone, she said yes, he said okay. Apparently. She has said she isn't taking him back. I am not so sure. I am treading carefully as do not want dh and I to become the enemy here.

She is still very miserable about it all. She knows how he has treated her is completely and utterly wrong. I am hoping this is enough to keep her away from him. My fear is he is going to worm his way back into her affections. They have the same circle of friends, and share some lessons together.

Peebles1 - really hope your dd finds the strength to finish her awful relationship. 17 is so young and yet they think they know everything.

specialsubject Mon 21-Dec-15 11:16:24

he's worried? Good. Serve him right.

any sign of an apology or a promise not to be such an arse in future, given that they have to share a class? Or does he just want to make his life easier, perhaps in the hope of sex?

worriedmum64 Mon 21-Dec-15 11:31:52

specialsubject - not sure he has said sorry. I think he is hoping to worm his way back into her affections.

specialsubject Mon 21-Dec-15 16:33:04

why am I not surprised?

let's hope the school throws the book at him.

Peebles1 Mon 21-Dec-15 18:14:38

Thanks *worriedmum I'm hoping it'll fizzle out after Christmas. It's hard to break up at Christmas when you've made plans, bought each other presents etc. Not that I'd have any trouble getting rid of that idiot! I'll just keep plodding on, keeping up the lines of communication. My only other hope is to get her away to uni - but I can echo all the 'she won't do any work' threads unfortunately so there's only a slim chance of that working out. Your daughter is sounding a bit more sensible than mine. Hopefully she is telling you the truth, and will stick to her guns even though it's hard. Her friends' opinions will be important too so hopefully they're giving her good advice. I think your playing it right. It's so hard.

ParochialE9 Mon 21-Dec-15 18:28:00

DD finally made up her own mind to finish with bf for good, no amount of me or anyone else telling her would have made her. Once she'd made that decision she got a lot of support from family and friends who didn't like him which kept her strong. She said she realised they didn't even have fun together any more and on the occasion at the tube station I mentioned above and another incident she said she felt actually frightened for her own safety. New bf is lovely and dd said you don't realise how badly someone treated you until someone else treats you right.

Peebles1 Tue 22-Dec-15 14:47:58

Thanks, that's useful information. Kind of what I suspected.

HesNotAMessiah Wed 23-Dec-15 22:31:21

Sounds very like our DD's previous relationship.

Eventually it ended because bf just couldn't hide the fact he wanted her under his control and to enjoy himself when he felt like it.

We asked her to write two lists, one of the good things, ones of the bad. She very quickly realised she was in an abusive relationship.

Looking at it, the parents were to blame. They had created the monster of a child who could do no wrong, only when he failed to meet their expectations of his future did that come crashing down. Until then he was god.

She's in another relationship now, and to be honest the intensity is the same. Lad seems nice, grounded if a but spoilt, but the same behaviours are surfacing.

She will spend ages getting ready to go out and then sit waiting for him to text he is outside. Why it's so hard to ring the door bell I don't know but I'm not 17, personally I feel this is where the mutual respect thing has already broken down.

And she will ever anxious if he doesn't reply to a text within seconds or be on the door step when she expects.

I think we know this is a compulsive thing in her part, it's not him. She desperatley wants to be loved and will do anything to make herself feel that way.

The down side is when she doesn't feel like that, it's bad!

Not sure if it's just her, or if it's this whole appearance anxiety thing and social media that's causing it. She certainly can't be without her phone for more than a second in case she misses something

worriedmum64 Tue 29-Dec-15 12:52:18

hello all. Came back to update thread. Dd is back with abusive bf. He has apologised so that makes everything okay she says. I saw a card she wrote to him for Xmas, saying how much she loves him, how amazing he is, how she hopes they spend 2016 together. I

I am worried and disappointed. DH is angry, which is not going to help matters, and I am trying to calm him down.

I told dd that whilst it was her decision, she had to accept that her bf has very clearly shown who he is, and how he will treat her in the future. She has minimised his behaviour. Said that some people (so assuming her friends have suggested the same) have made it out to be a worse situation than it is. I am having to tread very carefully here, it would be so easy for me to become the enemy. At the moment at least dd is telling me the truth, about them being back together and seeing each other.

They also visited a University together earlier this year, dd has an interview there next month and he has been offered a place. I am hoping against hope that this is not them planning some sort of future together.

Peebles1 Thu 31-Dec-15 20:24:37

Sorry to hear that worriedmum. It's so hard. You seem to be taking the same approach as me: let her know your feelings on the matter but maintain a good relationship so that she'll keep talking to you about what's going on, and she'll have you to turn to if (when) things go wrong again. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I don't think that alternatives would work. I also have an angry DH to calm down. It really gets us down sometimes. But you aren't alone in this. I just hope and pray it all ends soon. Keep us updatedwinethanks

Goingtobeawesome Thu 31-Dec-15 20:32:21

I felt how wonderful that your daughter values herself enough to know she doesn't deserve this crap then your update sad. They really should not have been discussing the statements they will have to give but I suppose that's irrelevant now she's taking him back.

Don't try and make her leave him but I wouldn't be pushing him out of the house either if you can bare it. Keep an eye on him is easier if they are at your place.

I just don't know what to say. Your poor daughter. Remind her that actions mean more than words as they are cheap.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now