19 year old college student daughter pregnant

[Becii2612]

Bombshell dropped. Daughter pregnant to on off boyfriend (who apparently isn't completely sure he is not gay!). She says she is keeping the baby and wants to stay at home. She goes to night classes and works 9 hours a week end at bar in town. I feel I like I am in a flat spin. As I am only 40 I was thinking about having another baby myself but there is no way I can do it now. I am really struggling to cope with this. I dont know what to do.

[coffeeisnectar]

Not sure why you can't have a baby if you want one? It's not like you'd be the first woman to be pregnant at the same time as their daughter.

What does your dd want to do? If she thinks she can finish her studies and find childcare to work then it's up to her. I know it's a shock but at 19 it's not the end of the world, you must have been the same age when you had her or thereabouts.

[Want2bSupermum]

It could be worse. She could be addicted to drugs, lying dead in a gutter etc.

This isn't the news you wanted to hear but as a parent it's not my worst fear by a long stretch. Make sure she is getting the care she needs and has properly thought this through. At 19 she is more than old enough to have a child but my concern would be that she hasn't really thought through the consequences.

The important part is that she finishes her studies and gets qualified so she can provide for her child. As the grandmother I think the most important thing you can do is support her finishing her degree as this will enable her to support her child, your grandchild.

I know it must be a shock.

[futureme]

PResumably you were a similar age when you were pregnant with her? Many many mums in my current area have had kids at 20 and are great.

Is it more that you're facing becoming a grandma? I've certainly met several pairs of mum/daughters having children at the same time!

[HirplesWithHaggis]

I have sympathy with the OP. She'd like another baby of her own, but feels she can't have one because her adult daughter thinks it's just fine and dandy to have a baby when she can't possibly support it financially, by a man who sounds less than completely committed to the idea, and is plainly expecting OP to pick up any amount of slack. OP will still be working/paying the rent/mortgage/bills etc, and possibly doing no end of babysitting on top!

OP, there's very little you can do, other than make it very, very clear to your dd that if she has this baby, she will be responsible - solely responsible - for it. You might be ok with keeping a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, I don't know if you need digs money for her/them, but childcare is down to her. You won't be doing night feeds (if she ff), you won't be doing 5.30am starts when dc is 3, you won't be babysitting every weekend while she goes out with her pals...

[FattyNinjaOwl]

I agree with hirples
I was pregnant at 16 and had DS1 at 17. I was expected to pay board for me and him and I had sole responsibility. My mum didn't mind watching him while I popped for a shower etc, but he was my baby, I had to care for him.
I had only been with his dad 3 months when I got pregnant. 8 years later and two more DC we are still going strong. I have my own place and my mum still doesn't babysit often. (I rarely go anywhere without them)

She too was thinking of having another baby when I fell pregnant. I ruined that for her as she didn't feel she could have a child after she had a grandchild (well, I sort of did, her tubes were already tied, what I didn't know was she was planning on reversing it). She has embraced being nan though. She adores them. I know deep down she will have always wanted another, she loves children and would have had about 50 if she could (slight over exaggeration there).

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Just that, I sort of understand how you feel (as in, I know what my mum has told me), and that it may not be all bad for your DD. (It worked out for me)

[specialsubject]

BTW sperm donor also needs to get involved, financially if nothing else.

[mathanxiety]

Agree with Hirples, Fatty and SpecialSubject.

Being possibly gay doesn't mean you don't have to contribute financially and in as meaningful a way as you possibly can towards a child you have fathered.