My 13 year old daughter has an older boyfriend

(28 Posts)
St4cey32 Mon 02-Nov-15 13:20:27

Hi all, I'm new here but I need someone to talk to I'm going out of my mind here. I found out on Tuesday my 13 year old dd has been seeing a boy who is 17! I couldn't believe it I was devastated. First of all when I confronted her about it she said they had only been talking but after I kept on at her she told me they had met up twice in town, she swears to me they haven't done anything (sexual) but I don't know if I believe her. Since I found out I've not let her out of my sight wherever I've gone she has had to go. I don't know what to do. Should I chat in depth to her and tell her under no circumstances is she to go meet him again as she is a teenager and will probably see him behind my back anyway. I just don't know what to do she's not a very talkative teenager but it just breaks my heart that she could go behind my back like this and I've had to find out off her friends about this boy sad

BasinHaircut Mon 02-Nov-15 13:27:59

I'm afraid I don't think you can stop them seeing each other, like you say she will find a way.

Have a chat with her though, maybe explain that boys that much older have very different expectations to boys her own age of what a relationship consists of and she needs to think about the implications of that. Including that it is illegal for him to have sex with her.

I can only imagine how you feel though, I have no experience, that's just what I'd do I think.

PhilPhilConnors Mon 02-Nov-15 13:31:38

I have a 13 year old dd, and I'm afraid I would be putting a stop to this.
At 13 the age difference is too much, they are at different stages <waits for someone to come along saying boys are more immature than girls>
If she was 15 I would be more understanding, but 13? Nope. No way.

I do know a few 17 year old boys, none of them would be interested in a 13 yr old, so I would feel uneasy about it.

chicaguapa Mon 02-Nov-15 13:35:29

Goodness! What kind of 17 yo would want a 13 yo girlfriend? hmm

I'd definitely make it very clear that it's illegal for him to have sex with her. And that you will prosecute if needs be and it will affect him getting a job in the future.

Whilst you can hope you've brought her up to make sensible decisions on her own, I'd go down the fear factor route myself.

This would worry me. That is a big age difference at that age, and you have to question why a 17 year old would be interested in someone so much younger. Obviously you know your dd and the situation, but to me that doesn't sound innocent and I would worry that he would take advantage of her.

customercare Mon 02-Nov-15 13:39:57

How can a 13year old see a 17 year old boy behind your back? How much freedom do you give her?

St4cey32 Mon 02-Nov-15 13:42:51

She actually told him she was 17 I've since found out and he believed her and when she puts make up on she looks older but doesn't look 17. How I found out was she told me she was going to meet a friend in town(a girl) so I told her to be home for 5:30 as it would be dark then and she didn't come back o couldn't get hold of her on her phone it was just going straight to voicemail so I sent her friend the one she was supposed to meet a text to ask her to get my dd to call me asap and it was her friend that said she's not with me I've not seen her today. Later her friend sent me a message saying I think she is with a boy and told me his age etc

Whoknewitcouldbeso Mon 02-Nov-15 13:45:50

I know this sounds awful but I would consider trying to get her to take the pill or consider an implant. Perhaps it's a defeatist attitude but I just think the likelihood of her starting a sexual relationship soon is very high and I would rather accept and prepare for that than I would try and lock her up.

St4cey32 Mon 02-Nov-15 13:48:43

She hasn't been out of the house since that Tuesday I don't know how long I can stop her from going out. I'm not going to know if she is genuinely going to meet up with her friends or going to meet him

PhilPhilConnors Mon 02-Nov-15 13:50:48

I think the deceit in itself needs punishing - loss of privileges maybe.
The boyfriend needs to know her real age, as any sex leaves him open to criminal charges.
Hopefully her age and lies will be enough to put him off.

titchy Mon 02-Nov-15 13:54:58

Hmm it's a shame you've already confronted her. Given that she's told him she's 17 I'd suggest going down the route of meeting him, with or without her, and telling him in no uncertain terms her actual age and the consequences of continuing the relationship.

Then explore with her, calmly (!) exactly why she wanted to pursue a relationship with a much older boy.

SlightF0x Mon 02-Nov-15 13:58:20

I have a 13 year old and I would at least TRY to put a stop to this. I would get the boy's number from her phone and ring him and ask him if he knew what statutory rape was. I wouldn't yell at him, or abuse him but I would set out to frighten him.

I think I'd also think about taking her phone after the phone call,a nd I might even contact the school to advise them that there was a boy FOUR years older trying to be her boyfriend.

I'm sorry but 'shrug' it'll happen you can't stop them,,,, Oh boy, well I 'd have to try.

customercare Mon 02-Nov-15 14:01:24

I agree with Tichy and SlightFOx

St4cey32 Mon 02-Nov-15 14:02:20

I was thinking of contacting his school and explain to them what has happened although like I said he thought she was 17 as she told him she was. I've not spoken to her since but I'm planning to have a chat with her find out if he is still in touch etc. But I might speak to his school and get them to explain to him how serious it is

AdoraBell Mon 02-Nov-15 14:05:02

I agree that you need to find a way to contact him and tell him her real age. Personally I would show him her birth certificate, but that's just me.

And labour the point of how much damage it could do to both their futures if they continue the relationship.

AdoraBell Mon 02-Nov-15 14:13:10

X post. Would his school not be obliged to act on the information?

Check her phone first, see if you can contact him without involving any authorities first.

specialsubject Mon 02-Nov-15 14:33:24

does boyfriend know her real age? He needs to find out quickly.

the gap is big enough for him to be done for child sex so he needs to know. If he's decent he will dump her for lying, and if he's not decent then you need to get her out of this quick.

I would also wonder what normal 17 year old would be interested in a kid of 13, which leads me to think that he's actually not that worried about what's between her ears....and means even more that this needs to be stopped.

Utterlyclueless Mon 02-Nov-15 14:36:13

Why on earth would a 17 year old want to be with a 13 year old? That's really strange.

I don't think he knows her age, does she appear older? Either way I'd put a stop to it.

St4cey32 Mon 02-Nov-15 14:38:50

He didn't know her age I said that before she told him when they were just talking before they met she was 17 but I'd of thought when they met up he would have realised she isn't 17 and he does know her age now. She hasn't met him since as I haven't allowed her out of the house unless she has been with me

AcrossthePond55 Mon 02-Nov-15 15:09:10

When I met my first husband I was 14, he was 21. My parents compromised by allowing him to see me at our house. We could sit in the house or yard or walk down the street, but never out of sight. I was not allowed to go on a date with him until I was 17. They also constantly encouraged me to see 'boys my own age'. I think they hoped the restrictions would have turned him off me. He turned out to be an abusive twat so I certainly wish it had!

Would something similar work for you?

AdoraBell Mon 02-Nov-15 16:00:45

Ah, I missed that he now knows her real age. Do you know if he is willing to end the relationship or does he want to carry on?

Nonnainglese Mon 02-Nov-15 16:10:18

As she's told him she's 17 how is he to know otherwise? I'd have thought he'd drop her pdq once he knows, then you need to decide how much freedom you give your daughter. Personally I'd have been horrified, but if that's what your dd is telling boys, that's a whole new ballgame.

St4cey32 Mon 02-Nov-15 16:13:51

She asked me if she could go into town to meet what she told me was her friend from school what was I supposed to do I trusted her that she was meeting her friend obviously I was wrong to trust her now

AdoraBell Mon 02-Nov-15 16:26:13

Most of us trust our DCs until they give us a reason not to. Now you have that reason you need to find out what is going on now. Simply restricting her movements will not work if both are determined and it could even make her more determined to find a way to meet up with him.

That's why it is important to contact him and find out what he intends to do. If he ends the relationship all well and good, but if he wants to continue in the relationship now that he knows she is a child then you need to do something about actively protecting your daughter.

fakenamefornow Mon 02-Nov-15 16:42:39

One good thing about this, it sounds like her friend realises this isn't right and volunteered the full story to you. Maybe try to use her as an allies? Agree with others though, if he doesn't end the relationship immediately now he knows her age, you need to spell out to him how much trouble he could get into.

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