Passive refusal to do stuff

[Ledkr]

Dd 13 is a normsl teenager. Loves the internet, fashion , make up, music, boys etc.
she's pretty good at school and is comited to her hobby of ballet, tap and modern.
She's kind, funny and polite.
The problem recently is an absolute out and out refusal to clear up after herself.
She doesn't say no but just doesn't do it. It's as if I havemt spoken.
So her room is now so hideous that there is a smell like shit coming from it.
We have chatted about it, ive written her texts and notes, ive tokd her she cannot bring friends up there.
She is literally ignoring me and simply not doing it.
Now I'm all for letting them have their own space (ive raised 3 teen boys) but the smell is horrendous and I think it's time to get tough.
She cannot find anything and we are running out of cups.
I've tokd her if it's not tidied and cleaned by the end if the weekend I will get her phone cut off.
Any suggestions?
She also cannot turn off lights or put anything away after she uses it eg. Milk butter cheese jam cereal. Help'

[Wolfiefan]

Call her everytime a light is left on or cereal is left out.
Refuse to take her to her hobby until the room is sorted

[KatharineClifton]

Has she been able to tidy her room in the past? Or is this all new behaviour?

[KatharineClifton]

I mean to ask, does she actually know how to clear her room? My DC have dyspraxia and many frustrating years have taught me neither of them are actually capable of doing the tasks I ask of them, unless I stand over them and list tasks. Which isn't worth the hassle most of the time.

[Ledkr]

Thankyou for replying.
I helped her clean her room a few months ago and she kept it nice for ages then suddenly it got bad again recently.
I do call her on everything left out but I just feel that life is s battle and I don't want to spend my lifd nagging at her and forget what a good girl she is too.
I dont think she has dispraxia but I have considered she may have some kind of disorder which causes her total lack of "doing stuff"

[sillygiraffe]

Don't let her go dancing until she sorts her room out?

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Nah. I have a 15yo whose room is a pigsty and who constantly leaves cupboard doors open, butter on the counter, bags in the hall.

Oddly, she has no problem at all being completely ready for her dance classes various, with all the correct, clothing, shoes, and hair requirements sorted, on time.

It is entirely normal. (Along with the other teen habits, music, Internet, fashion etc.) If irritating.

We occasionally impose a 'no you can't go to x until you pick up your laundry, out the garbage in the bin, and bring all of the food plates, glasses and Tupperware containers downstairs'.

It's pretty endless, but not linked to anything other than being a teenager.

[Sadik]

With my dd, once her room gets past a certain stage, I think it's just overwhelming, and then we often get to the stage you've described. I would tend to offer to help and do it together, usually - unless I'm feeling exceptionally kindhearted - in return for her assisting me with another task (ie, 'we'll sort out your room together, then you can help me stack this trailer of wood').

So you're not rewarding her for failing to keep up with her jobs, but it makes it more achieveable, IYKWIM.

Then once it's back to 'normal' you can discuss the need to keep it functionally clean, and maybe at that stage impose consequences if she doesn't maintain a basic standard?

[gamerchick]

You've already threatened and you need to follow through with that threat.

If you don't then this will continue because she doesn't believe there is consequences.

[Ledkr]

I'm wondering of shes on mumsnet. She has actually had a pretty good go at it in the last half an hour.
Cups and washing down, smell reducing.
I may pop in and give it a clean tomorrow to be sure, make the most of the surfaces
I don't use dance as a punishment as A it's expensive and paid up front
And B shes likely to be seeking a career in it so can't really miss it often or she falls behind.

[TuTru]

Sometimes they're nice & sometimes they're not. Sometimes they do intend to do it and just forget within seconds, other times they're just deliberately being arses.

I don't have the answer, but I know you're not alone.
Personally I just keep saying it.

[OccamsLadyshaveToo]

My DD is exactly the same. Same age.

I had to get mean. I cancelled her monthly standing order for her pocket money and told her I would pay in a quarter of it every Friday evening if her room was hygienic and safe. Not setting the bar too high - all food, rubbish and washing up out of the room, floor mainly visible and laundry in the wash basket.

It's only week two, but she did it last week. I'm hoping that only a week's worth of mess won't be too daunting.

I have in the past refused to go in to collect washing, so if she's missed the washer going on she's had to do it herself.

I'm not particularly tidy myself so I don't really mind about the odd pair of shoes or a bag in the hall or living room floor, but I do mind about mouldy yoghurt pots. I once found half a bagel in her bed!

[HormonalHeap]

Depends how much energy you've got. I was like your dd till I grew up and got my own place and now you can't come in before taking your shoes off..

[madwomanbackintheattic]

I have only used dance as leverage once, and that was school grades, not room cleanliness... And that was a threat to cancel all dance classes, not 'you can't go tonight'...

[specialsubject]

it is actually quite disgusting to do this, in a world where so many don't have a roof or a toilet. If she's got a social conscience this might be worth mentioning.

if matters aren't improving, start removing and binning/selling things. Also time to show her how to use a washing machine.

[SoupDragon]

I changed the password on the WiFi router and didn't tell DS2 what it was until he had tidied his room.

[SoupDragon]

Oh, and with DS1 I removed the XBox power lead one Friday and he stayed up until 2am tidying his room :)

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Lol special, that would backfire spectacularly here - they all do a tonne of volunteering and would just take on more projects to raise money for children with no roof or toilet, or start an awareness campaign. The very last thing it would do would be to trigger a room cleaning session, as practical support would be so much more valuable in social conscience terms. We're talking about teenagers, not four year olds. They are old enough to realize that picking up their clothes is not linked in any way to a humanitarian issue elsewhere.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

My 12yo spent three days in tears because she didn't know which charity to start, as there was so much need in the world. There was no room tidying during that particular phase...

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Just keep an eye OP; for my DD2 room neglect turned into self neglect and then self harm. Sometimes it can be a sign of depression.

[Ledkr]

Good point tinkly it did cross my mind because of her apparent lack of concern but she's cleared up for now and I hoovered and washed the floors for her so it smelled nice.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

You would have more worrying signs of depression than a messy room, tbh, especially in a kid who takes triple threat dance with a view to a career.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

That sounded abrupt - apols - I just meant that there would be bigger signs, like losing interest in those passions, if depression were suspected.

[anklebitersmum]

I find wi-fi and electrical kit a very useful tool to enforce a lack of 'smells-and-looks-like-we-have-a-squatter bedroom.

Failing that the whole bedroom gets bagged up and in the garage. Done. (I started doing this once when DS was due back home in half an hour out and the flurry of tidying activity when he returned was akin to Superman's speed when he turned back time)